DS has a boyfriend

[Boysbeforeflowers]

I have recently found out that one the friends of my DS (14), is now their boyfriend. I'm struggling with this a bit, because I'm not sure what boundaries to put in place. DS has a twin brother and both of them frequently have their mates stay overnight in their rooms. I'd probably say no to DS having girls stay over at their age, so how do I handle this situation?

I'm quite confident my DS is not trying to have sex with this boy, but the situation is still a bit of a headache for me. I need thoughts on future arrangements. I texted his dad, but he just replied 'oh dear' and was no help. AIBU to struggle with this?

I'd try to keep it simple and non-confrontational. Its great he told you about his boyfriend, thats a real positive and you want to keep lines of communication open. I would just say his boyfriend is always welcome in your home but he'd need to sleep in the lounge.
I'd not mention other male friends at this point as I'd want to tread carefully.

@BillHadersNewWife

Im not talking about having sex, of course 14 is too young, im just talking about the logistics of it. Think i was pretty clear tbh.

How long has your DS been open about his sexuality?

Just be wary of implying that he shouldn't have different, straight individual boys sleeping over either, just because he's gay and they're a boy, because that might be read as implying you thought he was a danger to his straight friends (or might try to 'turn' them). That's possibly a trope he's already having to fight.

This is a bit of a minefield really - would one solution be just to say the door has to stay open now during sleepovers? He could always then roll his eyes to his friends and blame it on you - "since I've come out my mum can't assume it's only girls I might be secretly shagging, so I have to leave the door open for boys too" - implying all you've done is extended a policy you've always had for individual girls staying, to boys too?

You could then make known partners sleep on the sofa, for both twins, but not worry about groups.

Hmm, I'd definitely have a "no partners" rule, which should work for now because you know who is boyfriend is at the moment, right? Then you might have to trust him not to sneak any future partners in under the guise of "friends" if (when) he splits up with his current BF.

Please don't ban him from having friends sleep over - it will feel like a punishment and may make him less likely to be honest with you in future.

The no partners sleeping over in bedrooms is fine at his age. I would then have a conversation with him about sex, and also trusting him to be honest with you about the nature of his relationship with anyone who is sleeping over

Just be wary of implying that he shouldn't have different, straight individual boys sleeping over either, just because he's gay and they're a boy

Doesn’t make sense.
Straight firm and straight boy. 14. But not in a relationship, just friends. Would you allow them to sleep in same room together?

Firm should read girl

You've said that your DTs share a room at their dad's so presumably they have their own rooms at your house? I would change the rule that they share a room and the guest gets the other bedroom. That way they are free to have friends of the other sex stay, girlfriends and boyfriends. I would tell them that now they are all young adults, guests need privacy so they get a room to themselves. That is fair to both boys, whatever their sexuality and also true.

I agree discussing it with them is important, but - while it might be counterproductive to how things have been, I'd move sleepovers out of the bedrooms, if possible.

I've always done sleepovers - same or mixed - in the living room, sometimes with all my other kids upstairs at bedtime if the child having it wants that. It's been best for us for space & and to maintain the attitude that a sleepover continues to be supervised. It's been important for us early on as my kids do share rooms (it's also the main reason doors have to be open when any friends are over, blocking a sibling getting in or out was an issue) and with two boys and two girls (one of which came out as gay last year), it's been a balancing act for everyone's needs.

My daughter is gay do we have had this conversation- I've asked her to be honest and explained that having a friend to stay is fine but someone that she wants a relationship with it isn't appropriate yet - she totally understood and respected this x

When you say "I have recently found out" do you mean that your DS has told you this? Or is it in fact still supposed to be a secret from you that your DS is gay?

Makes a difference on how to approach, I'd think.

I'm quite confident my DS is not trying to have sex with this boy
Hmm. Well, at 14 you might not want to be confident! It is not at all unknown.

Just be wary of implying that he shouldn't have different, straight individual boys sleeping over either, just because he's gay and they're a boy

^Doesn’t make sense.
Straight firm and straight boy. 14. But not in a relationship, just friends. Would you allow them to sleep in same room together?^

Straight boy and straight girl - you can assume they might both in theory be interested, so them not being openly in a relationship is less of a protection.

Both gay and of the same sex - again, you can assume they might both be interested.

Straight boy and lesbian, or gay boy and straight boy, or any other combination where one is in theory not the other's type - you can ban sleepovers of course for better safe than sorry, but it's harder to explain without implying either that one or other of them might be not as gay/straight as they are saying, OR that eg the gay boy might try something on with the straight boy even though that boy is straight. That latter situation is exactly what gay people sometimes face straight people worrying about, so it's probably best not to imply you think that might happen. I would still do the door open thing, at the very least, but I would be careful how I presented it.

Mixed sex would be trickier though... even if the risk of secret shagging between a mixed sex couple with seemingly nonmatching orientations is theoretically low, the consequences are potentially much worse.

Basically I wouldn't rely on any pair of teenagers orientations not matching as protection against secret shagging, or their relationship status, but I would be very careful about accidentally implying my gay teen might make a move on a straight friend if sleepovers in their room are allowed.

Kids aren't daft. They know the situation, and know that you'll need to put boundaries in place at some point. Ask them.

Sit down all three of you and ask, 'now you're dating, what are we going to do about sleepovers, boyfriends and girlfriends?'

They'll feel safer, and more adult, for being part of the conversation. Obviously you know and they know that they can get round all the rules you put in place, this is just a structure to support everyone being as safe and supported as possible.