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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry at my husband?

57 replies

AnnaSparks · 17/01/2020 13:39

I want to start this by saying my husband is a good man. He’s loving, hard working and does a lot to make me and my daughter happy.

BUT he has zero common sense and is so critically unorganised that it’s becoming a huge problem.

He was fine looking after DD when she was tiny, but now that she’s 10 months old he seems to forget everything. It’s making it hard for me to trust him with her on his own. Today for example, I went to lunch with friends (having put DD down for a nap). I told DH to give her a bottle when she woke up. I text him her schedule and sent him a message saying give her a bottle when she wakes up. I came home to find that she hasn’t had milk all day. Luckily she’s a big girl so it’s not a huge deal, but it’s a symptom of a wider problem.

How do I get him to meet her needs? It’s so frustrating because he loves her, plays with her, baths her etc. but he’s completely incapable of remembering to feed her or put her down for a nap. He doesn’t seem to see it as important and TBH I’m about to snap with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnaSparks · 17/01/2020 13:47

Also, if anyone has faced a similar issue I’d really appreciate some guidance in how to resolve it

OP posts:
2monstermash · 17/01/2020 13:47

So snap! It's not ok that he can't look after his own daughter adequately. I wonder if the problem is that it was your schedule, your system and you were just handing over the rules to him - could he be made part of the decision and planning process?

skiptheskip · 17/01/2020 13:49

Hang on, you went out for lunch today and she hasn't had a bottle all day?

What time did you go out? It's only 1.45pm now. It's hardly been "all day".

Original poster
AnnaSparks · 17/01/2020 13:51

@2monstermash yes I agree. He works full time and I’m at home alone with her during the week. At weekends I’m usually always there so I end up doing the schedule as I know what works.

The problem is that the schedule works so well (she’s super content and sleeps all night) that I’m not open to changing it. Unfortunately he doesn’t seem to think naps, food or milk is important and completely ignores me when I try to talk about it. He’ll literally just walk away

OP posts:
Witchofzog · 17/01/2020 13:51

Did he feed her solid food and give her juice or water though?

Original poster
AnnaSparks · 17/01/2020 13:52

@skiptheskip we aren’t in the UK. It’s night time here

OP posts:
ChangeInTime · 17/01/2020 13:52

Unfortunately he doesn’t seem to think naps, food or milk is important and completely ignores me when I try to talk about it. He’ll literally just walk away

He isn't a good man. He's neglecting his daughter's basic needs and apparently doesn't give a shit.

Original poster
AnnaSparks · 17/01/2020 13:52

@Witchofzog she had already had lunch when I left. He gave her water

OP posts:
isitpossibleto · 17/01/2020 13:53

How does he manage to get anything done at work? I’m not buying that he just can’t organise himself.

voiceoverlady · 17/01/2020 13:53

Was she clearly upset and hungry when you got back? Surely if she had been beside herself with hunger, crying etc he would have realised that she needed the bottle and fed her..

I understand it's frustrating when your partner doesn't follow your routine but your treading a dangerous line of him being damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

DP and I parent mostly the same but he does things I wouldn't and I'm sure vice versa. Also don't forget if you are the primary carer you will have so much more experience than him. I think you need to give him a break and some more encouragement otherwise you're just going to push him away.

LakieLady · 17/01/2020 13:55

completely ignores me when I try to talk about it. He’ll literally just walk away

He plainly doesn't respect you as a person or as a mother.

What a shit.

Witchofzog · 17/01/2020 13:55

I bet he fed himself though. This is not a good man op sorry

pictish · 17/01/2020 13:56

Does he feel like you are being dictatorial over the schedule rather than just letting him parent under his own steam and instinct perhaps?

I never had a schedule for any of my three. When I left them with dh I let him get on with it in his own way knowing if they needed anything such as food or sleep they’d soon let him know.

I wonder if he simply has a different and more fluid approach to you.

Original poster
AnnaSparks · 17/01/2020 13:57

@voiceoverlady I appreciate that and agree with you, which is why I want to approach the conversation carefully and actually come up with a strategy to make things work better. I understand why some others just assume he’s a shit dad but he really isn’t - he works his arse off to create a good life for us and unfortunately it means he can’t be home as much as we’d all like.

He took her to soft play with a friend and she wasn’t crying, played happily. When she got home and wasn’t distracted she got very upset but I was home 20 mins later

OP posts:
ChangeInTime · 17/01/2020 13:58

DP and I parent mostly the same but he does things I wouldn't and I'm sure vice versa. Also don't forget if you are the primary carer you will have so much more experience than him. I think you need to give him a break and some more encouragement otherwise you're just going to push him away.

You don't have to be the primary carer to know that babies need to be fed! It never fails to amaze me the excuse that are made for men on this site.

Original poster
AnnaSparks · 17/01/2020 14:00

@pictish he definitely has a much more relaxed approach to parenting than me, which I’m ok with, as long as she’s not hungry.

OP posts:
ChangeInTime · 17/01/2020 14:00

understand why some others just assume he’s a shit dad but he really isn’t - he works his arse off to create a good life for us and unfortunately it means he can’t be home as much as we’d all like.

There's more to being a Father than that. Having a job and paying the bills is just standard adult stuff. Nothing to be lauded for. A Father who can't even be arsed to feed his child is not a good father.

ChangeInTime · 17/01/2020 14:01

And he just walks away from you when you try to discuss it. That's being a shit husband.

Original poster
AnnaSparks · 17/01/2020 14:02

@ChangeInTime I understand where you’re coming from, but I’m only giving that as one example. He also does the bath and bed routine every night. Gets up with her in the early morning before work to fit in some play time and give me a lie in. We really aren’t talking about a bad guy here

OP posts:
ChangeInTime · 17/01/2020 14:02

I don't think not sticking to an exact schedule matters btw but not feeding your baby does,and ignoring your wife when she tries to discuss it is pathetic.

Original poster
AnnaSparks · 17/01/2020 14:03

@ChangeInTime yes the walking away thing is being a shit husband, I agree with you there

OP posts:
ChangeInTime · 17/01/2020 14:04

If a Mother neglected to feed their baby and left it to the other parent I doubt many people would describe them as a good Mother. Yet a Father can neglect their most basic needs and people are saying he deserves a break. Fuck that.

isitpossibleto · 17/01/2020 14:05

Is walking away from you when you try to discuss an issue with him normal? How king have you been together? How long before you had your DD? When did the walking away start?

sillysmiles · 17/01/2020 14:06

Having a job and paying the bills is just standard adult stuff. Nothing to be lauded for
I disagree. It should be acknowledge as one person going to work often faciltates one parent staying at home. Both are parenting and looking after the childs needs.

TheSheepofWallSt · 17/01/2020 14:07

I actually think this is symptomatic of the overwhelmingly male inability to put others’ needs first where they don’t directly impact on themselves.

I.e. - he does bath and bed time - but if he didn’t, I imagine as he’s home, there would be an impact on him - so although that’s meeting the baby’s needs, it ultimately serves his own

Feeding the baby though- I imagine actually he probably didn’t eat/ didn’t feel hungry, so it didn’t even occur to him to feed the baby- as it wouldn’t meet a latent need of his own.

It’s shit and I’d be absolutely hitting the roof. He needs a proper talking to. Are you in a hot country? Was she properly hydrated?