AIBU to be angry at my husband?

[AnnaSparks]

I want to start this by saying my husband is a good man. He’s loving, hard working and does a lot to make me and my daughter happy.

BUT he has zero common sense and is so critically unorganised that it’s becoming a huge problem.

He was fine looking after DD when she was tiny, but now that she’s 10 months old he seems to forget everything. It’s making it hard for me to trust him with her on his own. Today for example, I went to lunch with friends (having put DD down for a nap). I told DH to give her a bottle when she woke up. I text him her schedule and sent him a message saying give her a bottle when she wakes up. I came home to find that she hasn’t had milk all day. Luckily she’s a big girl so it’s not a huge deal, but it’s a symptom of a wider problem.

How do I get him to meet her needs? It’s so frustrating because he loves her, plays with her, baths her etc. but he’s completely incapable of remembering to feed her or put her down for a nap. He doesn’t seem to see it as important and TBH I’m about to snap with him.

[sweeneytoddsrazor]

But DD was happy? OP said DD was happy and when she started crying her DH started to sort her out. He didn't leave her unhappy he just didn't do things in the same order as OP would have. That is a world of difference to not doing anything or being a bad Dad. He wasn't ignoring her or not feeding her and he doesn't need alarms to remind him. He had taken her out they have come home he was changing her then he would have presumably fed her but OP arrived then. There is no right or wrong way.

[Amys136]

Bit of a temporary fix but could you set alarms on his phone for when he’s meant to do things? Then maybe when he sees that DD is happier sticking to the schedule he’ll be more on board?

My DH used to not really pay attention to the schedule when we first had DD then she’d end up over tired, the weekend wouldn’t be as much fun and now he’s on board with it

[TheSheepofWallSt]

@Cam77

It is a generalisation- but I would also say that “in general” it holds true for more men that I know than not (and I’ve had a strange, itinerant life, so I’ve met men from all kinds of backgrounds, in all kinds of domestic circumstances, and in some form or another...) Id say that the majority exhibit behaviour like this. Not all.

And re: altruism- there is no such thing as a purely altruistic act. But I think that in parenting, perhaps for mothers more often, we come closer to it than anywhere else.

Example- I’m not hungry at lunch time. Child is hungry. I can’t be bothered cooking; I’m unwell and I feel tired. I could give him a sandwich and crudités and he won’t complain. Or I could make him his favourite pasta- more hassle, and he’s not old enough to know about effusive thanks for small acts of love- so there is literally no pint whatsoever to doing it- except I know it will make his lunch more pleasurable for him.

Where do I benefit? And do you think that as many fathers think that way as mothers?

[Jomarchsburntskirt]

Stop defending him. A good father isn’t about the fluffy stuff, it’s about doing the boring stuff. If he was a good father he would feed his child. How can he have a ten month old child and not know her schedule. It’s pathetic quite frankly.

[TheMustressMhor]

When our DC were babies I worked every weekend.

With the first DC I can remember DH asking me to write down the routine I had figured out worked best.

It wasn't followed slavishly, as far as I know, but it gave him guidelines, and he did not resent it.

By the time we'd got to the fourth baby, DH didn't need a routine written down.

Maybe, as you say your DH is a good man and a good father, you need to leave him and the baby alone together for much longer periods of time. I think he'll figure out what works best for your baby if you do.

[howabout]

By 10 months none of my 3 were bothering much with milk during the day - their choice not mine. They were also getting very unreliable at bothering with naps.

If you are struggling to cope with your DP adding some flexibility to your schedule you are really going to struggle once the baby starts to do it. In the case of my DD1 she hit the "terrible 2s" ahead of schedule at about 13 months.

The sooner you start treating your DP and your baby as partners in crime rather than cogs in a well run machine the happier you will be in the long run.

[GirlOnIt]

I was a bit like you @AnnaSparks when my Ds was little. Me and Dp actually split for a while though and so he had to take care of Ds alone and find his own way of doing things. I realised he was perfectly capable of caring for him just maybe a bit differently to me. We’re back together now and have a second dc, he’s so much more confident this time round and I’ve left Dd alone with him much sooner. He might do things a bit differently to me, but their needs are always met and he has a really good bond with both of them now.

[Cam77]

@TheSheepofWallSt
actually think this is symptomatic of the overwhelmingly male inability to put others’ needs first where they don’t directly impact on themselves.

Uh oh I think we are getting into massive overgeneralization territory here. And in as far as parenting goes, any action a parent performs for a child obviously has an impact on their own mental state, therefore it does “impact on themselves”. Parenting isn’t some wonderful act of altruism.

[NormaSnorks]

I do think some men have a childish, rebellious attitude to being given instructions/ timetables etc by women and deliberatelt DON'T do them to assert some sort of weird authority.

DH used to pull shit like this and although in isolation it isn't really a big deal, the problem is that it has repercussions e.g. the baby ends up having milk/meals at the wrong time, then won't settle at bedtime, then wakes in the night, then everyone is too knackered to do what was planned the following day etc etc.
For many mums having a routine that has been developed and WORKS is the only thing that keeps them sane.

[isitpossibleto]

Well, if it is just over this one issue I’d say it isn’t that big of a deal.

[messolini9]

Yes he was going through the process of changing nappy etc to see what was making her upset when I came home. I’m sure he would have figured it out himself eventually, it’s just super annoying

OP, how much time has he actually had the baby on his own?
Bear in mind that you have had 10 months with DD, learning what works.
When you got home, did you just tale over & make sure DD got her bottle? - or leave him to work it out, as he surely would have done as he was "already going through the process."

I think you need to chill a little & let him find his own way, just as you did. The more time he spends in sole charge of DD, the quicker that will happen.

The not listening & walking away is a separate issue ... it might even improve, or you might find a better opportunity to talk calmly anbout it, once he feels more confident in a) his ability to look after his DD & b) his trust that you will let him get on with it without him feeling criticised or 'wrong'.

Good luck.

[pictish]

Sorry. I don’t mean to be harsh...though I know I sounded it there. I was aiming for flippant but came across as rude.

It’s exactly as you say, trial and error for him too. Good luck going forward.

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

I am struggling to see this as a problem . You parent differently. The more you get angry and nag at him and try to schedule him, the less responsible he will become. Tell him what you do and why, fine, but let him find his own way.

she’s a big girl so it’s not a huge deal,

Exactly.

it’s a symptom of a wider problem.

Not really, no, it's just a lot of little deals. Yes it may be inconvenient if it doesn't fit in perfectly with your plans, but life doesn't. If you don't give him enough space to parent his way then you'll end up having to do all of it yourself. Don't make a rod for your own back.

The problem is that I love spending time with both of them, so usually the three of us are together and I end up doing the feeding

Well let's turn this round... how would it be if he hardly ever gave you time alone with DD? Because he loved being with you both so much, and because didn't trust you to do it properly by yourself?

I think Confrontayshunme's MiL said it better than me though!

[AnnaSparks]

@pictish wow little bit harsh.

Appreciate and agree with the other comments though. Obviously I went through the trial and error stage with her and I need to let him do the same

[Drabarni]

I'm not surprised he fucks up tbh.
never had to give my dh a schedule neither has dil given ds one.
As a parent it's something you should know.
Stop with the daft schedule, who needs one, your child will find their own routine. That might not be the same as yours.

[pictish]

So...yabu. Wind your neck in and let him get on with it without texting him a bloody schedule.

[Aquilla]

Confrontayshunme
That really is wise advice. I wished someone had said that to me a long time ago.

[sweeneytoddsrazor]

So he had a happy DD, he took her out, he came home she started crying and he was changing her nappy. So he was proactively sorting her out, but not sticking to your rigid schedule. YABVU. Your way isn't the only way. He is her Dad he is not neglecting her or not looking after her at all. He is just doing it slightly differently to the way you do.

[Cheeseandwin5]

Agree with some of the comments here.
I think the real probably is your attitude.
You have a certain way of doing things and it looks like he has to do the same. You say he walks away when you want to talk but I supect you dont want to discuss it but rather tell him what to do and have a go at him when he doesn't do it.
You need to either give him space to bring up his child, or hire a servant who you can order about.

[AnnaSparks]

@Confrontayshunme I think that is very good advice. I think given more time alone with her he would absolutely learn. He’s just used to me doing it all. The problem is that I love spending time with both of them, so usually the three of us are together and I end up doing the feeding - partly because I want to and partly because he’ll be as lazy as he can get away with

[Aquilla]

Sounds like she's ready to drop that feed. Congratulations!

[Confrontayshunme]

My MIL gave me a very sage and wanted piece of advice which I didn't realise I needed until after my kids were born. "He will do things differently to you. Not entirely wrong, just different. If you let him get on with it, he will be an involved parent who figures thing out independently. If you nitpick, he will end up letting you do it all and his bond with them won't be as strong. You'll make mistakes and eventually work it out, so make sure he is allowed to do that."

As a result, I have a DH who can watch the kids for a week with no help or interference and has a beautiful parenting relationship. I wouldn't trade that for all the "perfect" routines and schedules in the world.

[pictish]

You say he’s a good man, loving husband, committed father. I expect walks away from you because you are overbearing about this issue.

[pictish]

Given he was going through the process of trying to figure it out, I think you ought to back off with the schedule. He’ll toil to gain confidence or knowledge if you insist on issuing a schedule and being nippy when it isn’t adhered to.

[AnnaSparks]

@TheSheepofWallSt I completely agree with you. Unfortunately I know quite a few who are the same.

And you’re right about his thought process. In his head, she had had lunch, he assumed she had milk earlier, and as he himself wasn’t hungry he would assume she wouldn’t be either