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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I just being a jealous bitter bitch?

50 replies

doremimimi · 14/01/2020 17:59

So, long story short, I had tried to call my Dad earlier today - no answer - all good.
So he calls me to tell me that he was in court today for the nephew of his new partner who had been assaulted 2 years ago.
All good?

NO IT'S NOT!!!!

I had to stand alone and isolated in a court on two occasions opposite my bastard of a boyfriend who used to beat me up. In any case, on one occasion, I went through the whole police statement, court etc. Not ONE SINGLE SOLITARY PERSON FROM MY FAMILY OR FRIENDS EVEN OFFERED TO BE THERE WITH ME.
Meanwhile - my now ex was sat flanked by his two parents.
I then had to go to court the next week to request a non mol order and asked my father to come in case the arsehole showed up to respond to it.
My father - who wears a shirt and jacket whenever he's not in his work clothes rocks up in a Lonsdale hoodie! At the age of fucking 62.

So I saw red.

My father then told me that he couldn't be dealing with my stupid attitude, implied that I was drunk and that I was 'stupid anyway - sure you'd kick him out and go back to him'.

AIBU to be a little bit FUCKING APOPLECTIC WITH RAGE?

OP posts:

Marlena1 · 14/01/2020 18:05

Just remember you got through it all without him. Much as support would have been nice, you didn't need it and can always be proud of that.

Tokenismjest · 14/01/2020 18:06

Sometimes they just don’t get it do they? I don’t think you are unreasonable BUT try not to hold onto the rage. It’s like holding on to a hot piece of coal - it’s you that will get burnt.

My mother has pulled stunts like this throughout my life. It’s incredibly painful to be treated like this by the people that should give a damn.

I had two choices - to rage and hate her or just treat her like an older woman I happen to know - lower my expectations of what she should do. It’s a shame but that’s the only way to save sanity!

Good luck

Original poster

doremimimi · 14/01/2020 18:09

I wouldn't mind but my father stayed 20 years in a marriage to my mother who not only beat the shit out of us children, but out of him too. And he has the sheer gall to declare me stupid for not being able to get free!!!???????
Gah! I'll calm down. I just have a fiery temper.
I'm officially declaring myself an orphan. I am for all intents and purposes anyway.

OP posts:

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/01/2020 18:10

I think you’re right to be jealous. He should have supported you better. Maybe his new partner is a good influence on him?

Singlenotsingle · 14/01/2020 18:12

Just tell him you identify as an orphan.

Original poster

doremimimi · 14/01/2020 18:13

Maybe I don't give a shit about his new partner's fucking nephew? Who might I add is about 45!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

doremimimi · 14/01/2020 18:15

I'm already LC (pretty much NC) with my mother - so now I can add him to the blacklist.

I can't describe how sickening it is to hear of him supporting everyone else - Tom, Dick and Harry - anyone but his own.

OP posts:

slipperywhensparticus · 14/01/2020 18:16

Your angry but it wont change him I'm sorry

Original poster

doremimimi · 14/01/2020 18:21

At this stage I know I can't change him. FFS.

Now the tears are coming. I'm just so sad that he's such a shit father.

OP posts:

Original poster

doremimimi · 14/01/2020 18:23

Who the fuck goes to the court case of a 45 year old man who was assaulted 2 years ago and won't go to court with his own dd who has a distorted face, 2 black eyes and a split lip?

OP posts:

Elindab · 14/01/2020 18:25

These are two completely separate issues.

It really mattered that he didn't come to court with you.
It doesn't matter at all about the nephew.

Maybe you should tell him how you felt about being alone in court?

Frenchw1fe · 14/01/2020 18:27

Sorry I can't offer any advise.

Parents can be strange.
I remember us visiting my pil's one weekend , they lived 2 hours away. Fil pointed to the calendar and declared proudly that certain dates were when his nephew worked away so they always rang nephew's wife as she was on her own.
Their own son, my dh, was also working away mon-fri and it never occurred to them to ring me. I had 2 very young dc at the time.

Original poster

doremimimi · 14/01/2020 18:27

It does matter - because it's the fucking comparison that makes his absence for me all the more stark!

He dismisses me entirely if I even try to tell him anything that he might deem critical of himself and lashes out - hence telling me that I was stupid for going back and that I was probably drunk now.

OP posts:

OzziePopPop · 14/01/2020 18:27

💐💐💐💐💐💐

Flowers and virtual hugs are all I can send, I’m so sorry you’re going through this but be proud of yourself, you’re a survivor.

💐💐💐💐💐💐

Nannewnannew · 14/01/2020 18:29

You have every right to be angry and upset. It is so galling isn’t it when people support others and not you? I just don’t understand why they do this but when I was complaining to a friend about the same sort of situation, she said that it was probably because they knew I was strong and could cope!
I don’t know if that is the case with your family but you really do have my sympathy. As a pp said, holding onto the rage only hurts you, but I do know how hard it is sometimes to let it go. You are not a jealous bitch, you are a human being who just needs some support and empathy sometimes. 💐

HyacynthBucket · 14/01/2020 18:33

It is so hard, but don't stay vested in your father or family - that way you will not have expectations and they will not be able to disappoint you further. The person who said that rage is like holding a hot coal is right - it is you who will get burned and they won't even know. Look after yourself OP - it sounds like you have got good at that so keep going. There are lots of us out here whose family members do not treat us right - try and let it go and be glad of what you have made for yourself. You will have a calmer, happier life if you stay free of them.

Original poster

doremimimi · 14/01/2020 18:33

Thanks everyone for the kind words. I'm aware this is AIBU and was prepared for a kicking. Thanks.

OP posts:

SummerPavillion · 14/01/2020 18:43

YANBU what a useless wanker, no wonder you "have a temper" you have every right in the world to be angry!

Dollymixture22 · 14/01/2020 18:45

You are right to be angry. I would be so angry I couldn’t contain it. That’s sort of temper tantrum angry when you have too much energy and you just need to kick to get it out (I totally get where toddlers are coming from😊).

You deserved support and most parents would have been there in a heartbeat.

He is being all fake and upstanding for this new woman. It’s not the real him - he doesn’t care about the man he just wants to look good.

Straycatstrut · 14/01/2020 18:46

Me & you could have a right rant together OP! Some men (and women but mostly men it seems) have little to NO emotional connection to their children. Or they block it out or they kill it because they don't want to deal with it. It's like it's too much effort, too much work, too much emotion to handle. I don't know.

My 3 year old needs a scary amount of surgery, but his dad - his OWN DAD (who lives about 10 minutes from the hospital --whereas I live 100 miles and have to do a huge amount of travelling and planning-bus/train/train/metro/walk) gets too hungover to come and support him.

Honestly OP I get your rage I really do. I really worry my poor boys will be where you are in 20 years. I don't know the answer, you can't MAKE them care. You just have to stop wasting your emotions on them the same way they do. Sending you support and and

TheMustressMhor · 14/01/2020 18:49

So sorry OP. No wonder you're angry and upset.

Comtesse · 14/01/2020 18:51

Stately Homes on Relationships is the place for you OP. Yanbu he sounds awful

QuillBill · 14/01/2020 18:51

I’m not surprised you are furious. I think you have every right. 💐

speakout · 14/01/2020 18:52

Lower your expectations OP.

My mother is really crap at any situation like this. Will engage if others whip up a drama, but doesn't have any independant emotional intelligence.

happinessischocolate · 14/01/2020 18:52

He is being all fake and upstanding for this new woman. It’s not the real him - he doesn’t care about the man he just wants to look good.

This is so true, the father of my 2 kids has never ever taken them clothes shopping, and yet he takes his latest girlfriends kids out and buys them trainers

My dd has the joy of bumping into him whilst she was out with her mates and he was shopping for some random woman's dd, and another time he dropped our ds off home early because of another random woman's dcs need for trainers.

They do it so they get a shag, not because they're being a normal supportive human being.

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