Feeling like an awful parent for thinking about a residential school for Sen child

[DICarter1]

Ive got three kids (11, 10 and 7). Our 10 and 7 year old have autism and adhd. The youngest is also non verbal and has an autoimmune disease.

I’ve been a carer for 10 years as we realised the kids wouldn’t cope in nursery ft or even pt. I’m exhausted. My parents are elderly so do help by taking the older two out but the youngest is incredibly hyperactivity. He climbs on Windows, jumps on beds, runs off, throws stuff, screams if things aren’t as he wants them. I’ve carried the mental load coping with the kids and the house and doing therapies with my dh essentially parenting our oldest son. I’m trying to step back but every decision my dh wants to run past me. Should we do this, should we do that. Yet hasn’t been emotionally supportive or available as they’ve grown up. He doesn’t see it this way.

My mum has mentioned residential school for my youngest. I’ve realised that the moment he gets home from his specialist school at 4pm all my attention has to go on him as he can’t be left alone. I feel like a dreadful parent as I can’t give my other two children (including the other one with special needs) enough attention. I feel burnt out and exhausted. We don’t get respite and 4 hours a month wouldn’t be enough as my son would have extreme anxiety if he didn’t know the person enough and four hours a month wouldn’t allow for this. I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired of life. My husband wanted us to go out today but I couldn’t face how much effort it would take and god forbid if it wasn’t right in anyway the youngest would lose it (he can’t talk). We try and tailor everything to suit him. Especially if he’s been awake in the night which he frequently is.

I’ve just started a new job in school hours as I want to reclaim what is left of my shattered identify.

I feel awful for even considering residential school. I can’t imagine others caring for my young child. It breaks my heart the thought of sending him away like I’m rejecting him. But on the other hand I’m not sure how longer I can deal with him. Today he had an hour long meltdown as I wouldn’t let him upstairs as he’d already trashed it. Even the simple joy of trying to read him a story he screams, moves around and hits me.

He’s currently on his window sill whilst I’m sat on his floor where I will spend the next few hours getting him into bed.

I found my old thread when I was searching about whether to send my son to a residential so I thought I would update. My son is now 13. He’s still at home and attends the same complex needs school. His behaviour has gotten harder. He’s now aggressive everyday. Hits and punches his siblings (they could simply walk past him or break one of his internal rules such as not having a cushion near you), he spits in my face multiple times a day, grabs my boobs and often hits me. We’ve made adaptations to our home such as locks on the door to bedrooms, door closers to stop him slamming doors, he has his own room and a large space downstairs in the house with yoga ball, weighted blanket, he has a swing and trampoline outside. He is unable to access the community regularly (he occasionally manages an hour in a country park) and taking him out needs both of us as he’s kicked a member of the public before. Inclusive swimming is becoming harder as twice now he’s kicked a child and he usually tries to go for someone. I’ve managed to hold onto my job, just. And still do two days a week but I’m exhausted. DS also received an epilepsy diagnosis last year after having a series of fits.

Social work have given us direct payments but we’re struggling to find carers and he is due to get 4 stays a month at a respite centre. He has only managed 50 minutes and an hour at the two sessions he’s had.

Although I don’t want to think about it as I love him to bits, I think residential is a real option now. We’ve emailed our behaviour log to our social worker, told them that the safety of our children feels under threat. Does anyone know about the process? Is this the wrong thing to do? I still feel incredibly guilty at the thought of sending our son to a residential school but my other children are really struggling including the middle one who has autism and adhd as well.

My son is severly autistic with severe learning disabillities , extremtly challenging behvior etc
So i have some undrrstsnding of what your going through
A friend of mine did msnsge to secure a place at a residential school for her son
After things reached crisis and they could no longer keep him safe
B
But it was by no means a quick or easy process
From what i understand first of all all the professionals had to agree it was in his best interests
And then they had to find a residential that could meet his needs
And this can be anywhwere in the UK .
The whole process took about a year and hes thriving but hes at a place 300 miles away from home
Its a difficult decision whoch only you can decide

This is going to be heartbreaking but you must do what keeps him and the family safe. It doesn't sound like he is safe at home.

At 13 he is only going to get bigger and stronger. It is possible he could seriously hurt or kill one of you. He may get seriously hurt himself or may harm the public like the recent case of the toddler at the zoo.

It won't be his fault but that doesn't stop the harm from affecting him and others.

He will likely have a better quality of live in a specialist provision where the day can be tailored to his routine and needs.

Read this as it could be the future: https://www.cleveland.com/metro/2009/12/kent_state_professor_trudy_ste.html

Im.not sure guilt tripping the Op is helpful
By all accounts the man at the zoo was with two carers so may well have been in residential care anyway

@x2boys, how do you manage your own well-being? I’m finding mine has taken a huge hit and I think I’m fairly resilient.

I figured that if we did think a residential was in his and his siblings best interest it could be a long and difficult process and he could end up in any part of the country which isn’t ideal but we do understand.

I do fear with my DS that as he’s unpredictable and not watched properly he could end up hurting a younger child like that man and the child at the farm. He regularly hurts me and I do worry long term he could really hurt us as he’s punched both me and his older sister in the head. And I wonder if he needs somewhere where life would be highly predictable. We’ve kept home as predictable as possible - we don’t really have people in apart from his grandparents and we rarely take him out as he doesn’t want to go. House is also very low demand.

We do get respite ( although staff shortsges have hindred this )
He has overnigh respute 4 nights a month
But it took ages for him to settle
And a special needs holiday club ( one day a week every school holiday )
And every other saturday club
Hes going through puberty which is hsving an sffect on his
Have you spoke to school and other professionsls about resdentisl ?

@x2boys, it’s really hard isn’t it. He’s done two transition sessions to respite and I think it’s probably going to take ages. He can’t access any holiday clubs as they’re just not suited to him.

We haven’t mentioned residential to school or any other professionals at the moment. For me it makes me feel like I’ve failed but we’re really struggling with him. His dad and sibling went to pick him up from school (no taxi driver will bring him home) and he hit his sibling numerous times. We’ve only started talking about it properly at home. We’ve just kept making adaptions but have reached a point where we feel we can’t do anymore.