Feeling like an awful parent for thinking about a residential school for Sen child

[DICarter1]

Ive got three kids (11, 10 and 7). Our 10 and 7 year old have autism and adhd. The youngest is also non verbal and has an autoimmune disease.

I’ve been a carer for 10 years as we realised the kids wouldn’t cope in nursery ft or even pt. I’m exhausted. My parents are elderly so do help by taking the older two out but the youngest is incredibly hyperactivity. He climbs on Windows, jumps on beds, runs off, throws stuff, screams if things aren’t as he wants them. I’ve carried the mental load coping with the kids and the house and doing therapies with my dh essentially parenting our oldest son. I’m trying to step back but every decision my dh wants to run past me. Should we do this, should we do that. Yet hasn’t been emotionally supportive or available as they’ve grown up. He doesn’t see it this way.

My mum has mentioned residential school for my youngest. I’ve realised that the moment he gets home from his specialist school at 4pm all my attention has to go on him as he can’t be left alone. I feel like a dreadful parent as I can’t give my other two children (including the other one with special needs) enough attention. I feel burnt out and exhausted. We don’t get respite and 4 hours a month wouldn’t be enough as my son would have extreme anxiety if he didn’t know the person enough and four hours a month wouldn’t allow for this. I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired of life. My husband wanted us to go out today but I couldn’t face how much effort it would take and god forbid if it wasn’t right in anyway the youngest would lose it (he can’t talk). We try and tailor everything to suit him. Especially if he’s been awake in the night which he frequently is.

I’ve just started a new job in school hours as I want to reclaim what is left of my shattered identify.

I feel awful for even considering residential school. I can’t imagine others caring for my young child. It breaks my heart the thought of sending him away like I’m rejecting him. But on the other hand I’m not sure how longer I can deal with him. Today he had an hour long meltdown as I wouldn’t let him upstairs as he’d already trashed it. Even the simple joy of trying to read him a story he screams, moves around and hits me.

He’s currently on his window sill whilst I’m sat on his floor where I will spend the next few hours getting him into bed.

That sounds like fucking hell on earth, OP. Consider your hand well and truly held!

Thank you everyone. You’ve all made me cry a little as even the thought of him leaving us makes me feel so guilty. He’s happy at his specialist school as it is very structured. We’ve tried to keep things similar at home but we can’t lock everything away. We’re looking at locking his siblings doors as he goes in jumps on beds, breaks things. We also have to lock our food away.

@yomellamoHelly, I know the LA would fight us. We’ve been to court before over discrimination against our middle child so we’re very used to battles including ones that are outside of home.

I just want him to be happy. When he laughs it is pure joy but I feel like I’m only just meeting his basic needs and my other children get very little from me. Our 11 year old is on the cusp of becoming a teenager and they’re not getting enough from me. My youngest son responds much better to me than my husband so the load tends to fall to me.

It is definitely something to think about. My 11 year old said to his grandma that he feels trapped at home and can’t invite people over due to our youngest which was hard to hear.

Yanbu.
I have a challenging and destructive 11yr old and all I can think about at the moment is her school residential coming up this spring. Me and her brother will have four days of peace and no violence.
I truly understand where you are coming from .

Nobody would judge you. Getting the funding (as you acknowledge) will be an uphill battle

You absolutely are NOT being unreasonable.

Not sure where you are op but check out Priors Court.

My SS started at residential school about 4yrs ago when he was13. He has literally thrived in that time beyond what we could have achieved at home. For a time he came home fri-mon then became 52wk placement. He has started to come home for the occasional night as his behaviour is so different now. We visit every other weekend for a day and that works for him well. What sticks in my mind was DH on the way home following a visit about 6wks after he started there saying to me “I feel like I have a relationship with him now rather than feeling that knot in my tummy”

How much is residential school? Could you use that money to hire help instead, someone he could get to know to help you out after school so you can get a better balance? Hope things are better soon op

YANBU.

Have you been into school to speak to the head or SENCO/teacher. If it's a good school they should be able to help you get the support you need. They tend to know all the right people. Go in and explain things at home are at breaking point. Its effecting all the family etc. Is there any reason youd only get 4 hours a month respite? That doesnt seem right.

Local authorities fund specialist provision including residential placements (well, that’s the theory anyway - getting them to do it is another matter).

Sending hugs OP. My twins are both autistic and non verbal - they’re only 3 and I’m absolutely exhausted. I hope you can find a good solution for you all.

In a lot of LA,s the Op.would be lucky to.get four hours a month Clacky my severely autistic son,get ,s one day a week in the school holidays excluding Xmas in a special needs,play scheme and I have to pay its a small amount though and that's it ,he's nine ,non verbal goes to a special school.etc getting respite can be very hard .

The local authority would be funding the residential school @DontFundHate if they agreed it was the only school that could meet the Op,s son,s needs( getting them to agree that is a whole different matter) they would ,nt give the Op money to hire a carer , the Op could apply for direct payments for a PA for her son but realistically she would only get a few hrs a month

Admitting you need help is the first step of a difficult decision process but in that will probably enhance all of your lives as you will have the energy to make your time together extra special rather than it turning into a daily mountain to be climbed. Be open minded and go and see some... hopefully that will put your mind at ease. Good luck

The residential side of the placement will probably be funded by social care (section 20 placement) possibly with some funding from health if the child qualifies for continuing care.
Some children will qualify for full funding by education but this is more difficult to get. Some children will be given residential placements in a care home but will attend their current local authority school if this remains suitable.
About half the children at my son's school have a residential placement for various reasons.
You are certainly not being unreasonable in looking into it for your son.
To those who have mentioned respite - there is limited availability of this and often nothing suitable for children with severe needs who need more specialist care than many direct payment workers can provide although asking for a residential placement because you are struggling to cope with your child's needs can mean they miraculously find something/ someone.

Unfortunately we did have to put our hands up and say we were not prepared to manage the holidays and weekends anymore before anyone took us seriously re SS and his needs. All the time we muddled through and did what we did they were happy to let us get on with it

YANBU. You have a family of five and - not only may he flourish at a residential school but - you need to think of all your needs. Everyone’s happiness is important, including adults and kids with no SEN.

I just want to give you a big non mumsnetty hug!

My children were brought up living in residential special schools. The children were usually happy and certainly well cared for. They had opportunities that they couldn’t be afforded in mainstream.
We are in contact with a few of the parents still.
Some of the children did very well indeed - integrated far better into adulthood than they perhaps would otherwise have done.
Most had improved family relationships because the pressure of caring was no longer constant.

There is still funding and some county run schools but places are not easy to get. You’d need advice.
Go and look with an open mind.

It does sound like a residential placement would be good for your DS as he likes the structure of school. Really agree with PP about not underestimating the difference a trained, rested team of staff makes. Don't feel guilty considering increasing his time in an environment specially adapted for him- you just can't make your home be that.

As PP have said, it could be a long road to get a residential placement and you County may want to try other things first. Your first step would be to ask your school to call an Emergency Annual Review so you can bring all the issues at home up, and take it from there. Insist that your DS's Caseworker attends.

I did work with a family who used weekly placements at a state boarding school for their other DC, to give them some respite, while they battled for a residential placement. They did get the residential placement for their DS, but by then the other DC didn't want to leave their state boarding school, so all the children boarded during the week and there was a patchwork of who was home/ at school at weekends.

My friend’s son goes to weekly boarding for his son. His education has flourished with the correct support and he is calmer at weekends and in the holidays. Mum has been able to go back to work for the first time in years. Dad is able to get on with his job without constant call backs. And siblings are flourishing getting their parents back. All in all it’s worked perfectly.

You need to place your children in the school that is best for them, if this is residential then no need to feel bad. Start investigating and request a meeting with social services too, it's most likely to be for September so a good time to start the process. I considered it myself, it's really hard to cope especially when their other parent doesn't stick to the same rules (consistency is everything)

Thank you for everyone who’ve offered support and stories. I really appreciate it. I’m going to contact social services next week and ask for an assessment. When I’ve brought it up with my dh he’s not keen and when I look at his face I feel like I’m completely betraying him. But I don’t feel as a family we can offer the consistency he really needs. Maybe if it was just him but my other children (especially the one who also has asd) finds him very very hard as he’s also very loud.

All the best with the assessment. Yanbu to consider a residential school at all. I have 4 DC, the youngest has ASD, non verbal and attends a complex needs school that doesn't offer any wrap around care/holiday clubs due to ratios and cost. I can totally see why you would consider it when you have other DC.

My DP has ASD and went to a residential special school hours from home from 10 onwards (he is now 30). It was the best thing for him. He was taught in small groups with specialists who could show him how to manage his condition. He now has a degree, a good job and is fully independant. The relationship with his family is good. He is the only one with ASD and both his siblings stayed home. Only noticible difference is his accent is far less strong than the rest of the family and he lives an hour and a half away by choice for work where the rest of the family stayed local. He has no issues and no regrets.

YANBU. Not a teeny tiny bit. You need to stop feeling guilty about things too. You have enough on your plate without making more things to feel bad about. Be pragmatic and sensible. It sounds like a sensible decision to consider residential school for him. Have a look at some and see how it goes.

Look at things from the point of view of what's best for your whole family as well
As what's best for each individual.

Good luck. You sound amazing. 💐💐💐

I’m trying to get my son into a residential school. He’s 8, I’m literally on a cliff’s edge. I either get ignored or social clamp down on me but both ways nothing gets done so I moved boroughs. I hope my son will get there soon but it will definitely be with a fight for it first. If you had the money, which many parents do without their children having a disability and still go to boarding so they can become a doctor or such, they don’t feel bad, why should you?