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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want a day off from my MIL who seems to be staying with us for ages.....

30 replies

Kitsilano · 23/08/2007 11:22

My MIL is staying with us while her new flat is being decorated. It was initially for a day or 2 but keeps being extended and extended - looks like she will be with us for at least 2 weeks after which we go away for a fortnight. I have a toddler (2.6) and am 6 months pregnant.

She is recognised by all to be "difficult" - to put it politely. She also doesn't help at all - would never cook a meal or empty the dishwasher, do my dd's bath or read a bed time story. I'm even doing her laundry - have drawn the line at ironing. DH works very long hours - usually not back til 8.30pm and I spend the early eveningsa rushing around tidying up, cooking dinner, getting dd to bed etc while she sits with her feet up on the sofa working her way through yet another bottle of our wine.
We had plans for the bank holiday Monday to visit friends but these have fallen through and I have told dh that I really want a day off anyway just us as a family. I can tell by his tone of voice that he thinks this is going to be difficult and he has suggested that we need to "make up" an excuse.

I know other people have much crazier inlaws but is it really so bad to say we just need a day as a family?

I really just want my house back and wish I knew when this was going to happen!

OP posts:
Scoobi6 · 23/08/2007 11:27

omg she sounds awful

But if it was me, I'd probably tell her a white lie about what we were up to, and have the day out without risking hurting her feelings. Just because life with a grumpy MIL would be even harder

RedFraggle · 23/08/2007 11:27

Not unreasonable at all - I can only cope with MIl for a maximum of 3 days before I want to slap her. Draw up a list of things she can do to help and make her do them. She could tidy downstairs and start dinner for you while you put your daughter to bed for instance. Stop providing the wine too. If you make her less comfortable she might not stay as long...

israel · 23/08/2007 11:28

yOUR NOT BEING UNREASONABLE...AT ALL...Just say that you and the kids will be visiting friends or something...dont say its a family day...or she will think she is included too

Weegle · 23/08/2007 11:30

YANBU but what harm is there in presenting a made up excuse if it gets you out with minimum hassle? Invent a BBQ at friends or something. Also can't you specifically ASK her to "chop the carrots" "empty the dishwasher" etc - it's mad anyone sat on the sofa whilst someone else is running around like a blue arsed fly.

Original poster
Kitsilano · 23/08/2007 11:34

Thanks for the replies. Re asking her to help - this is the woman who wanted to come and stay with us the day I got out of hospital after having my first dd my emergency c-section after long labour and when my husband suggested perhaps she might prepare the dinner that night if we sorted out the ingredients was OUTRAGED and said "I'm not doing THAT!".....

OP posts:
lizziemun · 23/08/2007 11:38

YANBU

Leave her lundry for her to do.

Tell her to empty/load the dishwasher/help with dinner.

As for your wine Hide it .

Or get your dh to explain that as she her stay has been extended that he expects her to help you out.

Why has she had to move while her flat is being decorated, why couldn't she stay there like most normal people would. Or is she using you as a free holiday.

israel · 23/08/2007 11:39

this woman sounds like my mil....be strong...set a date for you to have your life/home/family back... she moves out and into her place wether its finished or NOT...be strong and say what YOU want ...or she will walk all over you.

Hurlyburly · 23/08/2007 11:41

Am I missing part of the story here? Why does she think that this is a reasonable way to behave? No YANBU but do tell a social fib about your day out.

Dropdeadfred · 23/08/2007 11:42

what does your dh say when she refuses to help?

I would be sorely tempted to stop oing evening eals and just grab a sandwich yourself...then she will be outraged that she has no dinner cooked.

cornsilk · 23/08/2007 11:44

Cheeky mare sat drinking your wine! I am for you!

Original poster
Kitsilano · 23/08/2007 11:44

Thanks. My husband feels he can't say no to her as she is on her own and he feels responsible. But he is out at work all day so it impacts him much less. I find it so hard feeling like I have no control or say over my own home.

OP posts:
cornsilk · 23/08/2007 11:47

Can he have a few days holiday while she's there? I couldn't bear it for even one day, you sound like a saint to me!

Original poster
Kitsilano · 23/08/2007 11:47

You are not missing any part of the story Hurly Burly. I think she feels she has "done her bit" in raising DH and his brother and now she shouldn't be asked to help.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 23/08/2007 11:47

How old is she?

Dropdeadfred · 23/08/2007 11:49

I wouldn't lie about the day out I would say 'I'm exhausted after running around after everyone all week, so I am having a nice day out - see you later.'

Original poster
Kitsilano · 23/08/2007 11:59

Dropdeadfred - she is 70. So not young I know but very fit and well - jets off on holidays on her own all the time.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 23/08/2007 12:00

Then if she can go on holiday on her own she can certianly survive a bankholiday - just go..if she complins say she is your guest but that you had not realised she would still be thee this weekend and you have a social life planned

Michelle020774 · 23/08/2007 12:05

I agree with dropdeadfred - don't lie about what you are doing - it will only come back and haunt you!

I had my MIL stay with us for 6 months. At first she was really helpful, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc.. but that was short lived! When she started moving my ornaments, photo's and furniture about to suit her, I totally lost it! My husband couldn't see what the problem was and our relationship was definitely strained! Four years on, and I now only tolerate my MIL and try to cut short any visits, etc. It is hard though 'cos she is still my husbands mother at the end of the day! Be thankful you haven't got your MIL for 6 months!

andiem · 23/08/2007 12:05

yanbu the cheeky cow tell her you are going out and that is that I would also ask her to help or contribute to the cost of the wine she is drinking

Original poster
Kitsilano · 23/08/2007 12:08

6 months!!!!!!!! I should definitely be grateful - that should help me to get things in perspective!

OP posts:
hotmama · 23/08/2007 12:20

YANBU - If she wants to eat the dinner that you are cooking then she bloody well should help! And empty the dishwasher - she uses plates. And wash clothes - she wears them!

I know exactly where you are coming from. My dp is an only child and his mum is a 72 year old widow. Nothing wrong with her per se - just have nothing in common and have different views on childrearing!

We are all going on holiday on Sat for 2 weeks! Last time myself and dp had a blazing row about his mum - hence she didn't come last year.

So if anyone is in St Ives next week and sees a woman with 2 toddlers filling the P&T with wine and gin - that will be me!

I'd def give her a date to move back to her flat - decorated or not.

The woman who had her MIL living her for 6 months - you so deserve a medal - I would have needed to be committed!

Michelle020774 · 23/08/2007 12:22

I reckon I nearly was committed...voluntarily!!!

alicet · 23/08/2007 12:33

YANBU at all. She is being unbelieveably rude to behave in this way. Agree with everyone who says you are more than entitled to your day out! As to whether you tell a lie about what you're up to I have to say I would do whatever makes it easier for you - things are tough enough at the mo as they are!

I too would ask your dh to have a word to her about helping a bit more - or do it yourself if necessary as this situation can't go on. I can't believe she honestly htinks its OK for you to wait on her hand and foot while you are also looking after a toddler and are pregnant. Selfish bitch! I think it you or dh don't say something this will end up affecting your relationship with her forever - maybe point this out to your dh as I'm sure he doesn't want this.... So what she lives on her own and he feels responsible - if she is well enough to go travelling on her own she can take some stern talking to!

AngharadGoldenhand · 23/08/2007 12:43

Will she still stay when you go on holiday? If you don't want her to, perhaps you should be setting a date for her move back.

lizziemun · 23/08/2007 12:45

Phone DH and tell him to get a takeaway on the way home as you are to tired to cook dinner tonight after looking after everyone at home. If he doesn't like then he can go without dinner. Give MIL what ever you are giving your toddler .

By the way my grandmother stayed for a week a few years back when dd was a baby and she cooked, cleaned and didn't interfer once and she was 85yrs.

Tell dh to ring his brother to tell him that he is having his mother next week as you have had for a week.

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