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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I'm not a crap daughter?

45 replies

EmmaGrundyForPM · 09/12/2019 03:22

I was out with a friend earlier today and mentioned that my mum is going to Australia for Christmas (my sister lives there). Friend asked when my mum was going and I said I thought tomorrow (Monday) but it might be Tuesday.

Friend was horrified that I didn't know, and that I didnt have my mums flight details. I have no idea why I'd need her flight details but friend seemed to think it was normal to have them and that I was uncaring for not.

I don't check my mums travel details when she goes elsewhere so why should I when she goes on a plane? Last month she caught a coach to Hereford (other side of the country from her) to stay with a friend which involved her having to change coaches in London. I didn't check her details then. She's a grown woman. I love her dearly but I dont see why I need to know every detail of her travel arrangements.

Friend didn't actually say so, but gave the impression that she thought I was being a crap daughter. AIBU to think I'm not?

OP posts:

aLilNonnyMouse · 09/12/2019 03:28

If you are then I am too. My mother goes on holidays every couple of months at the moment. I've never once had the flight details and often didn't even know she was gone until a week after she was home.

Honeybee85 · 09/12/2019 03:30

In that case I’m a horrible daughter.
I never remember those things.

Will remember: oh yeah parents are going on holiday on of these days and then send a message to wish them nice holidays.
And ask them a few days later on what’s app if they’re enjoying themselves.
But that’s it.

TheChiefJo · 09/12/2019 03:32

You're not at all a crap daughter. If your mum had special needs and you were worried about the airline meeting their assistance obligations or something, I could see your friends point. You're not your mother's keeper.

UndomesticHousewife · 09/12/2019 03:35

I once didn't even know my mum was on holiday I was trying to call her she sent me a text from Spain I think of myself as a good (ish) daughter but I don't organise my mums life

UndomesticHousewife · 09/12/2019 03:36

I had spoken to her a lot she just never mentioned her holiday

Toomanygerbils · 09/12/2019 03:40

The only times my family ever check each other’s flight details is when one of us is doing taxi service for the airport. Otherwise it’s “back sometime later this week I think?”

BoomBoomsCousin · 09/12/2019 04:02

Some people seem to find traveling abroad, especially by plane, different from other travel and think it’s important that people have travel details. I assume it comes from the days when air travel was a lot less common and communication a lot more difficult. My MiL is like this. We all just gently ignore her, but send details if she enquires. It doesn’t are us crap people nor does it make her nosey or something. It’s just a cultural holdover that will eventually die out.

kateandme · 09/12/2019 04:25

your not.
better than me who gets on her mothers tits im sure when i need to know how she is where she is and when when when when will she tell me shes still alive!
joking.slightly.
this is where people are weird.when others dont follow how they do family stuff and then they judge or guilt others.
if your doing it because you dont give a crap about your mum then yes ok.but if this is simply how you roll then no your not!

GeorgiaGirl52 · 09/12/2019 04:25

In our family we share travel details for trips. Not to be nosy, but so we can get in touch in case of emergencies. My father had a sudden heart attack and died while my daughter and her husband were at a football game several states away. There had been tornadoes and the cell phone towers were down, so we were unable to call or text them. They came home to a post-it note stuck on their garage door. Not an ideal way to find out. If we had known where they were staying we could have called the hotel on a land line and gotten them the news more gently.

Limpshade · 09/12/2019 04:48

I would have thought the onus would be on your sister to have the flight details?

I also live abroad and the only flight details I'm ever given/ask for are the ones to and from my current home so we can arrange for pick-up and drop off! Mine and DH's parents are often on holiday elsewhere and we wouldn't normally have those details. All families do things differently but I'm not sure that particular instance makes you a crap daughter! And if it does, then I Guess I'm in that club!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 09/12/2019 04:50

Your friend is weird. I wouldn't worry about it.

redcarbluecar · 09/12/2019 05:35

Could she be projecting, as they say? Maybe feels insecure about some aspect of her relationship with her own mother / family? Anyway whatever; don't take it on board too much. If the 'crap daughter' bar is set as low as that, I'm in trouble! Hope your mum enjoys her trip.

BalloonDinosaur · 09/12/2019 06:48

You're not a crap daughter. My DM tends tell me stuff like that but that's more because she likes to have someone to check details over with.

And if you are crap, me and my DSIS are too

Ariadnepersephonecloud · 09/12/2019 06:50

My parents travel a lot and I can never remember when they're going let alone where

Elodie2019 · 09/12/2019 06:55

Well I'll join the crap daughter club then.
I don't know where my Mum is from one moment to the next...

MerchantOfVenom · 09/12/2019 06:58

Let me guess. She's never been further than the corner shop, so the idea of someone going to Australia - and not passing on their travel details - is incomprehensible to her.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 09/12/2019 07:42

You are not a crap daughter. I share flight details with my mum and she shares her's with me just because it is a habit of ours. I will also let her know I landed as I know she worries when I fly and same the other way around. Does not make us better mother and daughter though. Never got into it with my dad as that is not the type of relationship we had though I was a bit hurt he did not mention he was going to be away all together. Only time I was worried was when I knew he was on holiday in greece and there was an attack on the trainline he would travel back on so I did ring my gran to ask if she knew when my dad and his widow would be back.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 09/12/2019 07:44

@MerchantOfVenom not necessarily. Some people do perceive it as a more dangerous form of travel etc so like to check up on flights of loved ones and wish them a good flight

Cordial11 · 09/12/2019 07:46

My mum and dad arrive this week in aus to see me, I know the day but still unsure the time and don’t have the flight number lol!

MerchantOfVenom · 09/12/2019 07:54

@redappleandaquamarinebow1987 sure, but they don't also have to imply people who don't do that are crap daughters, do they?

glitterbugsparkles · 09/12/2019 08:02

We share holiday details with my parents but it comes mainly from pre mobile days when if you needed to get in touch with someone for emergency purposes then you could contact the hotel.
Also, more morbidly, if there's a plane accident, hotel terrorist attack, natural disaster area you're going to (all 3 have happened whilst I've been travelling within the same areas at some time or other) the other people know if you've been caught up in it or not. Lessens the stress when something like that does happen.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 09/12/2019 08:02

@MerchantOfVenom oh yes totally agree there. I just mean it does not necessarily mean they never traveled etc

glitterbugsparkles · 09/12/2019 08:04

Should have added... doesn't make you a bad daughter, it's just something you don't do as a family. (Or you have less neurotic parents).
Last trip my parents took I got the full itinerary, including every single museum they were planning to visit on their travels...

PolloDePrimavera · 09/12/2019 08:05

Can I be in your club? I'll make badges.

WhoCaresWins01 · 09/12/2019 08:06

My brother, parents and i always share flight info when travelling abroad. We also have copies (email) of each others passports and travel insurance policies.
If anything were to happen to me while away such as an accident, theft etc I like knowing i am just one phonecall away from backup copies of all the info. Came in handy when DB lost his passport in New York!
Works for us but we all have different family dynamics. Doesn't mean you are a poor daughter.

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