to think I'm not a crap daughter?

[EmmaGrundyForPM]

I was out with a friend earlier today and mentioned that my mum is going to Australia for Christmas (my sister lives there). Friend asked when my mum was going and I said I thought tomorrow (Monday) but it might be Tuesday.

Friend was horrified that I didn't know, and that I didnt have my mums flight details. I have no idea why I'd need her flight details but friend seemed to think it was normal to have them and that I was uncaring for not.

I don't check my mums travel details when she goes elsewhere so why should I when she goes on a plane? Last month she caught a coach to Hereford (other side of the country from her) to stay with a friend which involved her having to change coaches in London. I didn't check her details then. She's a grown woman. I love her dearly but I dont see why I need to know every detail of her travel arrangements.

Friend didn't actually say so, but gave the impression that she thought I was being a crap daughter. AIBU to think I'm not?

@glitterbugsparkles that is hilarious 😂🤣😂.

Haaaaaa I very often (as I’m, every other months at least!) get texts from my Gran saying “flight went well, arrived safely, unpacked and sitting by the pool”.

I’ll text my Dad “Where the fuck is she now?”

Dad “At home as far as I know”

She never tells anyone. She just goes. Shows us photos when she gets back.

@BalloonDinosaur that text is hilarious!!

Thanks everyone, I'm glad I'm.not alone! I'm sure my sister has the flight details because she is picking mum up from the airport.

My friend lives in the same town as her mum and dad whereas I live 60 miles from my mum. So I think she's much more involved in her parents lives. But she was so surprised that I wasn't even sure which day mum was flying let alone the flight details that I thought I might be in a minority.

@HigherFurtherFasterBaby sounds a bit like my dad lol. Tried to call him and no answer on the phone. Only reason I did not worry was that my gran lived with him so I knew if anything happened she would call. Once I got in touch with him 'oh yeah I went to Morocco'

If you're a crap daughter, you can also add me to that list. My mum is an adult, a grown up. If she wanted me to know, I'd know. She hasn't been struck mute.

But, flip side, if not knowing flight details makes you horrible then my mum is also a horrible mum. She never knows my flight details, or where I'll be at every second. I went to Egypt for a month travelling the country and all she asked for was pictures not a full blown itinerary.

Maybe we aren't as paranoid about things going wrong (or we secretly hope it does )

OP your Mum sounds very independent and confident with regular travel, which you are used to. To your friend, if it was her Mum it would be a major event and something out of the norm I’m guessing. Don’t worry about - just different perspectives due to different circumstances.

My dmum is 79. She now gets a taxi from Somerset to Gatwick when she goes to see my brother in California. Last time she sent me her flight info just in case my brother didn't have them. That's it!

DD2 thinks we are incapable of going anywhere abroad without her (despite being old gimmers and having flown a fair bit). When she is with us, we let her do a lot of the organising, as it keeps her anxiety under control. I always let her know that I am home after I have been to visit her, and we have a family snapchat, so we can keep up with each other (and extended family in the US) but I didn't give her my flight details when we went to the US in September.

Different strokes for different folks and you're not a crap daughter.

I'm crap too, then! My parents tell me which day they're going, time & airline and I write the times & dates on the calendar and promptly stop thinking about them . They usually ring to say bye before they go, and text when they're on the way back, with an ETA, so I usually have a vague idea that they're on the move but I let them tell me more info if needed. If I hadn't heard they were home after a certain amount of time, I'd check though.

Mum leaves all the specific details pinned to their fridge should they be needed; I live v nearby so it's no bother to go & check in an emergency. Mum leaves me more details if she goes away without dad- they have an age gap, he's older and a technophobe - so again, I know where to look at IF I need them, I don't really take them in. They also spend a lot of time at our family holiday home in Portugal & obviously I spent every summer there as a kid so I have the address & phone number for that.

Ignore your friend . Some people have weird overly close relationships with parents but personally the only persons movements I follow so closely is DH because we live together. I don’t know the intimate details of any other fully functioning adults life
In fact I haven’t spoken to dm in over a year but that’s a different story and some may say that makes me a shit daughter

@Rumnraisin it wasnt that friend does things differently in her family, more that she made me feel bad for not doing it her way.

I've never understood the thing about texting to say you've arrived when you're staying with friends/family. If mum didn't arrive then my sister would know. It's different if you are going somewhere on your own I guess.

Maybe it's also to do with perceived risk? I drive on a very busy dual carriageway and then a motorway to get to work every day. That is more dangerous than a plane flight but I don't text dh every time I get to work to let him know I've arrived safely.

You know what , thinking about it I wouldn’t even have DH’s flight details

I rang my mum last week to see about visiting.

‘I’m in spain’ was the response I got.

Bad daughter.

People do it differently. It’s like with anything though - everyone runs their life how they see fit. And nobody should make others feel bad for doing things differently.

You’re the daughter of an independent mother who isn’t leaning on you. Brilliant! It’s exactly how it should be.

My mum went to Amsterdam yesterday, no idea when she's back, how she's travelling, where she's staying etc. I know she's gone with a friend and I'm sure they will have a grand old time which I will hear all about when she gets back

I do tend to get flight details if my Mum or Dad are traveling, but that's because I like to follow the flight on one of those online maps showing exactly where the plane is. I don't follow obsessively, or even every time they fly, but I like to check it landed safely, or where things are if longhaul. I also look up plane details for long haul flights - inflight entertainment, food etc. I am a nervous flyer but enjoy it vicariously! That's just for fun though, I don't think not knowing makes you a bad person.

These days I always forget my family's travel dates (might remember it's coming up vaguely). However, I do remember pre smart phones and cheap roaming being a lot more aware of flight details because you might only get one or two phone calls or emails (if internet cafe around) during the trip so would have no idea if their airline had gone bust/flights cancelled or whatever unless you had that info for following the news/phoning airline. These days you would just get a text/email/call to keep you up dated. Maybe her family just kept on like that when lots of us clearly stopped with the details.

That said I do think I have become overly dependant on that easy communication and would get caught out if something happened and they couldn't use phone...

I've been NC with my "D"M for 2 years. For some reason she found it necessary to send me a letter with her flight details for a trip to Australia. I didn't want to know she was going, so I put the letter in the bin. Odd.

That's very strange @ProperVexed.

I'm definitely not NC with my mum, she's great and I love her to bits.

She is always going on coach trips (for the day) with one of her friends who is also a widow, they take photos of each other and then mum WhatsAppp's them to me with a caption saying "guess where I am" . Sometimes it's obvious (well, Mum, given that that's Nelson's Column in the background I'd say you're in Trafalgar Square) and sometimes it's a fairly blurry photo taken against a green bush so I don't have a clue, and then turns out to be a National Trust property somewhere that I've never heard of!