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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ExH upstairs when I got in

47 replies

Hairydogmummy · 14/11/2019 21:45

I got home from work this afternoon earlier than normal. My exH was dropping our 16 yo at home after school to get changed before taking him back to his house. Our relationship is very much 'tolerate and be polite' we're not friendly let alone close. We might have a quick chat on the doorstep at the most. Anyway when I got in, he was upstairs in DS' bedroom in our house. DS looked quite embarrassed and it was really awkward when he came back down but I didn't say anything. I've asked DS what happened and said I'm unhappy about it. Apparently his dad just followed him in and hung around downstairs before going upstairs. He didn't ask him in or anything. He said he didn't want to be impolite by asking him to wait in car or even in the hall. Would you say anything? If my DH knew he'd be livid!

OP posts:
libbynaughtz26 · 14/11/2019 21:55

Don't make it awkward for your son.

There's no harm really, is there?

Reallynowdear · 14/11/2019 21:58

Agreed, don't make it more awkward four son.

Reallynowdear · 14/11/2019 21:58

For your son ffs

Original poster
Hairydogmummy · 14/11/2019 22:04

No...I guess not. He has never given DS a key to his so that I can drop him or collect him when he's out even when that's made it really inconvenient. He must think I'd snoop at his house!

OP posts:
MillicentMartha · 14/11/2019 22:09

I think you’re right about the snooping. He’s judging you by his own standards, he’s obviously up for a snoop! My ex won’t give our DSes a key either. He won’t let me drop them off at his house. I’m sure it’s because he wants to keep me away from his house and the ow.

MiniCooperLover · 14/11/2019 22:11

Are you worried he was looking around? In personal things?

Poppinjay · 14/11/2019 22:21

Is your relationship tense? It's a great way to make you feel violated but be able to come over all innocent and say he was just spending time with his son.

Original poster
Hairydogmummy · 14/11/2019 22:28

@Poppinjay it's okay...not really tense at the moment. There has been a few issues with maintenance in the last year but has been okay for last few months. When we split it was awful for years. He did do some stuff during the end of the marriage like moving/taking things and saying he hasn't to mess with my head bit that was years ago. He does comment sometimes to DS about things I do/buy that type of thing. Never even asks me to stand in his hall out of the rain if I'm collecting DS from his. He's quite an odd person really!

OP posts:
Hecateh · 14/11/2019 22:29

Contact your ex directly and tell him he is not welcome in your house and that he is not to come in without a direct invitation from you in future.

If he did it again inform him that as you have expressly told him he is not invited it is trespass and therefore illegal and further breaches will elicit proceedings.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 14/11/2019 22:35

I wouldn't have my ex in the house, no way.y daughter tells him to wait in the car in circumstances like you've described. I don't go in his house either - I wouldn't want to.

Poppinjay · 14/11/2019 22:38

Hairy, actually, that doesn't really feel OK at all.

You need to help your DS find the words to tell him he isn't welcome to just wander into the house without your permission.

7yo7yo · 14/11/2019 22:38

Yep, bypass your child, go directly to your ex and tell him he’s not allowed in your home.

middlemuddle · 14/11/2019 22:41

My ex comes in my house, but it's with my permission first. I do think this instance is a bit strange.

Original poster
Hairydogmummy · 14/11/2019 22:41

@MiniCooperLover maybe a little...DS said he didn't go anywhere else in house but it's entirely possible he did and DS didn't notice...he's very 'head in the clouds'!

OP posts:
Ostanovka · 14/11/2019 22:44

It's horribly intrusive!

1CantPickAName · 14/11/2019 22:47

I’d contact the ex and tell him there is no need to escort ds into the house and you’d prefer if it he’d not go in when you’re not there

Poppinjay · 14/11/2019 22:49

Actually, I agree with other posters. You need to tell your ex direct not to go into your house but you also need to equip your DS with the words to tell him if he tries it again anyway.

middlemuddle · 14/11/2019 22:50

Hmm but then he's getting a rise out of you if you message him that...

lizzzyyliveson · 14/11/2019 23:03

I would be checking for hidden cameras myself. He had a reason for doing this and it wont be a nice one.

glitterfarts · 14/11/2019 23:05

GIve your son an example of what to say: "you wait here Dad, I'll just run it and be a few minutes."

SchadenfreudePersonified · 14/11/2019 23:09

Contact your ex directly and tell him he is not welcome in your house and that he is not to come in without a direct invitation from you in future.

This ^

And point out that he's putting his son in a horrible position and it isn't fair on him.

Original poster
Hairydogmummy · 15/11/2019 12:38

Thanks All. I think I will contact him and tell him that. I do feel violated by it and don't want him doing it again and putting DS in that position.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 15/11/2019 13:04

He has never given DS a key to his so that I can drop him or collect him when he's out even when that's made it really inconvenient.

Next time it's really inconvenient, tell him either DS gets a key or X is not your problem - too inconvenient. When he complains - 'You don't have a problem coming into my home when I'm not there, so I don't expect any double standards the other way, sorry. Key for DS, or go whistle.'

Betty777 · 15/11/2019 13:25

I dont' understand why everyone here is so combative?

I'm currently also going through divorce and situation with STBXH is similarly polite & cold, BUT I don't think it's that odd that a father should be able to go to son's room? Should he really be left outside on the doorstep?

It would be different if there was extreme animosity, you were still going through messy divorce or custody battle etc, but if it's not, why is everyone assuming an alterior motive? Check for cameras? Hmm

yes it's odd to have another adult in your home, but the oddness is less important than your son feeling comfortable and supported from all sides, isn't it? Have I missed something here?

7yo7yo · 15/11/2019 13:58

@Betty777 yes you have missed something.
You’ve missed that the op is not happy with him in her house.

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