ExH upstairs when I got in

[Hairydogmummy]

I got home from work this afternoon earlier than normal. My exH was dropping our 16 yo at home after school to get changed before taking him back to his house. Our relationship is very much 'tolerate and be polite' we're not friendly let alone close. We might have a quick chat on the doorstep at the most. Anyway when I got in, he was upstairs in DS' bedroom in our house. DS looked quite embarrassed and it was really awkward when he came back down but I didn't say anything. I've asked DS what happened and said I'm unhappy about it. Apparently his dad just followed him in and hung around downstairs before going upstairs. He didn't ask him in or anything. He said he didn't want to be impolite by asking him to wait in car or even in the hall. Would you say anything? If my DH knew he'd be livid!

@Betty777 It is the OP and her DH's house. The OP and her DH do not want her exH in their house so have never invited him to come in.

When your STBXH gets a new partner you will probably find they don't want you in their house at all, and if you enter without permission the new partner may call the police on you.

He crossed a boundary that's unacceptable to you and your husband. It was totally inappropriate for him to invite himself in like that and if you don't say anything this time he will assume you don't mind and carry on making himself at home. Just send him a text or have a quick word to tge effect of if ds needs to pop home to change or get something please wait in the car. Or if you don't mind it you could add "or in the hall" although given his cheek i wouldn't. It's intrusive for him to be upstairs in your house, there's no need to "help" a 16 yo change ffs!

I could completely understand why your ex might wait in the house whilst DS got changed, but standing in the warm in the hall!

What was he doing upstairs in your DS’s bedroom when he was changing his clothes?!

@Betty777 because this is one corner of the internet where such shit is not tolerated or condoned.

This is OP and her DP's home. I wouldn't want my partner's ex in my home without permission. I wouldn't want a man in my home without permission or without me there.

OP I agree with advice to tell your ex that he's not to be in the house without your or you DP there, and without invitation. I'd be tempted to get one of those nanny cams for about £25 .

I doubt he would of casually wandered up the stairs if op was sat in the living room!

Of course this is not okay, and i would be telling him directly!

Does he often bring your son back to get changed?

If so, what usually happens?

Why the hell is he in his bedroom? I find that the weirdest of all!

Was he in his car? Why would he follow a 16 year old up to his room when he's getting changed anyway?!

@Betty777 because generally, posters here don't subscribe to the idea that women should carry on being polite and accommodating about things they don't like. Especially when men aren't expected to do the same.

I would be checking for hidden cameras myself. He had a reason for doing this and it wont be a nice one

This. Is. The. Craziest. Thing. I. Have. Ever. Read. On. Mumsnet 😳

I wouldn’t message your ExH. I’d explain to your DS that he should be waiting in the car etc, and you don’t want him to come into the house when you’re not there. Your DS is old enough to understand.

ok, so i've re-read the OPs second post about when he was odd after their initial break up - that does change things a little.

But I stand by the fact that i find it weird people are jumping to conclusions that he's snooping etc. Why would an adult do that? (I'm not saying it's impossible, just everyone stating it like it's a given) Is it not more likely that he was just mid-conversation with DS so followed him to continue chat, or curious as to what his son's bedroom looks like?

If he is really at odds with OP then that's a different matter, but if everyone is polite, he may well not have realised it was a strange thing to do

*I would be checking for hidden cameras myself. He had a reason for doing this and it wont be a nice one

This. Is. The. Craziest. Thing. I. Have. Ever. Read. On. Mumsnet*

I don't find it crazy at all. It's exactly the kind of thing my ex would be up to, given half a chance.

When I was still friendly enough with my ex to invite him in to wait for DD, I once found him in the living room with his feet up, telly on, remote in hand. This is one of the many reasons why he doesn't even cross the threshold any more. He has no boundaries.

However I do agree that the hidden cameras comment is slightly crazy.

I would not be happy with that either.

This is your home bro your exh’s.

Text him and tell him he is remains outside your property when collecting him for contact. Exactly as you are expected to at his house.

Exh
I was very surprised to see you in my home this week. I had been working from your example whereby we weren't to go inside each other's homes. In future, if ds isn't ready please wait outside.

But I'd be getting ds to text the parent that he's ready, I'll be down in a minute. Rather than this waiting at the front door.

I would be checking for hidden cameras myself. He had a reason for doing this and it wont be a nice one

This. Is. The. Craziest. Thing. I. Have. Ever. Read. On. Mumsnet 😳

Really? Crazier than the threads where men have done exactly that?

If you're the suspicious sort you could check what devices are now connected to your internet.

I wouldn't be happy with it. He should of waited in the car.

So he drops his son of but your out, so he goes in. I don,t think this is intrusive he is waiting for his son. He goes into his sons bedroom, seriously whats weird about that. If you want him to wait outside then tell him, but I do think you being unreasonable.

I've found him in the hall before which I'm kind of okay with I guess but only for DS sake. He doesn't often have to drop DS home while I'm out but DS says he normally waits in hall. Not sure how DS would know exactly where he was while he was upstairs tho. ExH wasn't in his bedroom while he was changing apparently but came up after. I don't trust him at all. I know it was years ago but he did some very underhand odd stuff during separation and there's stuff that happened that we think he may have done but not sure. I thought he'd changed and we were getting on fine until he left his job last year and I only found out when he stopped paying maintenance despite being friendly on the doorstep twice a week. He even pretended to DS he was still working at same place. He's very much a loner and has a strange way of looking at things sometimes. I'm trying not to read too much in to it but will def text him now and just clear it up. He def wouldn't have done it if he thought I would be getting home from work early.

Presumably your son needs to get changed before going to his dad's?