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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was he rude or am i being too sensitive?

67 replies

Jinglebells10 · 12/11/2019 21:41

I work in an open plan office. I work with a guy who is almost 10 years younger than me. We usually get on fine. I have been there and listened to him when he's struggled with MH. He was in a really bad state at work the other week and i listened and gave advice and was really concerned for him. Today i sat opposite him. He then sends me an email saying god you're so short. I replied well that's random, i like being short. Then me, him and some other guys where talking about food as someone had brought things in for a birthday. I said i wanted another treat and in front of people he starts mocking me. Saying i'll have to roll you down the hill and that i'm the cake monster. I try laugh it off but didnt know what to say as the other guys were laughing. I just went quiet and left them to be immature. About 15 mins later he stood up as he was leaving and said really loud, almost a shout like cya fatty. I'm in no way over weight, just stated i wanted another cake. For some reason i felt he was trying to put me down in front of others.
The other week i was helping him with his work, he asked what i was doing for halloween. I said nothing but i was excited as i dressed my son as a skeleton for nursery. I'm not 100% sure what he said but it sounded like he said my son was a freak. I said to him excuse me and he said i didnt say anything.
AIBU to be angry at him. I stand by and listen to his MH issues and then he talks to me like this? I don't understand what his issue is?

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 12/11/2019 21:47

You know he has MH problems, and for some people their mental health can at times effect their ability to behave appropriately socially.

Maybe he also feels embarrassed that you know stuff about his mental health (not your fault.)

Perhaps he has autistic traits, or is using drugs or alcohol to self-medicate.

Either way, no of course you're not being oversensitive- he was completely out of line.

Annabk · 12/11/2019 21:47

He sounds rude, whether he means to be or not is irrelevant. I would keep my distance personally, speak only about work matters and get back onto a more formal footing.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 12/11/2019 21:50

The perfect response to him would be 'Fuck off, twat'.
He's a knob. Don't let him get away with it.

Original poster
Jinglebells10 · 12/11/2019 21:52

@Interestedwoman i think he does drink alot when hes really depressed. He seemed ok today, joking around with others. When hes depressed he normally tucks himself away and doesn't speak.
Maybe he does feel embarrassed but 2 other manager know about it and i dont see him talking to them in that way. Just makes me feel rubbish and makes me not want to listen to his issues as horrible as that sounds. I have my own MH issues to deal with too.

OP posts:
Intravenousbitch · 12/11/2019 21:58

If it were me, whenever this happens l would say "please don't speak to me like that. You're being rude and offensive." Keep a note of what is said and if he continues, keep bringing it up and escalate if necessary. Hopefully he will just apologise. You don't have to put up with that in the workplace x

MyMajesty · 12/11/2019 22:01

You are not being over sensitive.

Could you bring it up with him, in a quiet moment, - ask him not to make jokes about you as you don't like it?

He may be making a clumsy attempt to show he's friendly with you, by making 'jokes', but you don't have to tolerate it if it upsets you.

Themazeoflife · 12/11/2019 22:04

I think he is badly trying to flirt but going about it in totally the wrong way.

LittleLongDog · 12/11/2019 22:05

It sounds like a very childish way of him coping with liking you (as in fancying you). Could that be it?

Tableclothing · 12/11/2019 22:07

I think he's shit scared that you'll tell other people about his MH and he's treating you like shit now to try to reduce your credibility in the eyes of your colleagues.

isadoradancing123 · 12/11/2019 22:09

I would not be spoken to like that, and mental health issuse is not a green light to be offensive and rude

Tableclothing · 12/11/2019 22:12

YANBU to be angry at him, btw. "Don't speak to me like that" without a hint of a smile, a request or an apology in your tone. And start keeping a record of the unpleasant incidents.

Original poster
Jinglebells10 · 12/11/2019 22:14

Hmm i dont know if he fancies me. He did once try it on with me a year ago and i said no sorry you're too young for me. But we have been ok since then. He's done this once before and i avoided him, he asked if he had done something wrong. I just said i'd been busy. Now hes back to being an idiot again. I just feel he doesn't respect me, even after i've listened to him and been there for him.

OP posts:
merryhouse · 12/11/2019 22:15

Not wanting to listen to his issues is not horrible.

It's self-preservation. You only have so much energy to put into mental health, and you need some of it for yourself.

You're not a trained counsellor and you're not being paid to support him.

Just don't bother having conversations with him any more. Say good morning, don't ask how he is. If he starts telling you things, say something like "I need to get on with my work now".

If he's blatant enough to ask why you're not being nice to him any more, you can say either "I need the mental energy for my own issues" or "I don't like being made fun of and called names".

(Tough shit if he fancies you. He's immature with massive issues and he's been rude: not boyfriend material AT ALL.)

whywhywhy6 · 12/11/2019 22:19

You’re not being sensitive. He’s being rude.

The autistic comment and suggesting he is being rude because he “fancies” you is just mind boggling for completely different reasons. Autistic people aren’t necessarily rude and suggesting you should accept rudeness or abuse from men because they “like” you is all sorts of wrong.

Get your professional boundaries back in place and calmly and firmly say “I find that comment offensive” when necessary.

mumwon · 12/11/2019 22:25

"you are being rude & its not funny, stop doing it or I will report you"

GrumpyHoonMain · 12/11/2019 22:27

Keep a log of all the abuse and keep telling him to stop insulting you. If he doesn’t stop take everything to HR and your manager and raise a grievance.

Original poster
Jinglebells10 · 12/11/2019 22:28

I was thinking of maybe sending him a message along the lines of "i don't appreciate you making fun of me how you did today, i'm all for a joke but not at someone else's expense"?

OP posts:
YabaDabaBoo · 12/11/2019 22:29

You’re definitely not being unreasonable, he’s very rude. Doesn’t matter what his reasons are, that’s not on. Calling a woman ‘fatty’ is never ok, even if said jokingly, especially by someone who isn’t a friend.

Years ago a man I used to work with took to making comments about me. He’d always say rude things to me really loud, as if he wanted everyone to hear. He’d make comments about my outfit, said a new haircut looked ridiculous, comment on my lunch. I was leaving at the end of the month anyway so just ignored him but did bite back a few times. At my leaving drinks, he tried to kiss me and confessed he’d had a crush on me for ages. It was all so weird, I told him to get lost!

AmbitiouslyFit · 12/11/2019 22:31

“Not funny” with a firm look in your eyes

YabaDabaBoo · 12/11/2019 22:31

That’s a good message to send by the way. It’s better to either text or email him so at least you can prove you have spoken to him, in case you need to escalate.

GrumpyHoonMain · 12/11/2019 22:34

@ Jinglebells10 - if you email him make your sure your boss is copied in

Cherrysoup · 12/11/2019 22:41

He’s rude and you’re not over sensitive. Call him out on it, every single time and if he doesn’t stop, go to HR. This is bullying behaviour. It sounds to me like he’s trying to be the big man in front of his blokey mates. He’s just coming across as a twat. Feel free to tell him this. Loudly. Also do the scary thing as per pp: stop what you’re doing, stand up, look at him very seriously and tell him he’s rude and there’s no need. ‘I find that offensive’ as whywhywhy says.

Ohyesiam · 12/11/2019 22:48

Yes the msg sounds good, and good to tackle it when he’s not doing it.

Interesting that others have said is he very badly flirting, because it sounds like he is trying to do intimacy and failing. Like when people get on really well and can just do banter endlessly.

WeMarchOn · 12/11/2019 22:51

Christ sake what is it with people throwing the Autism card, I'm Autistic and there's no way i would behave in that way!!

Sandals19 · 12/11/2019 22:56

As someone said don't email him unless he/boss copied in.

Take down note of absolutely everything he's said/done for future reference.

Including him coming into you and you politely rejecting him.

Back off from him and don't try to be his friend any more.

You're going to have to.repirf him if he doesn't stop saying offensive things to you.

Totally and utterly inappropriate, out of order, ridiculous disgraceful behaviour in his part.