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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was he rude or am i being too sensitive?

67 replies

Jinglebells10 · 12/11/2019 21:41

I work in an open plan office. I work with a guy who is almost 10 years younger than me. We usually get on fine. I have been there and listened to him when he's struggled with MH. He was in a really bad state at work the other week and i listened and gave advice and was really concerned for him. Today i sat opposite him. He then sends me an email saying god you're so short. I replied well that's random, i like being short. Then me, him and some other guys where talking about food as someone had brought things in for a birthday. I said i wanted another treat and in front of people he starts mocking me. Saying i'll have to roll you down the hill and that i'm the cake monster. I try laugh it off but didnt know what to say as the other guys were laughing. I just went quiet and left them to be immature. About 15 mins later he stood up as he was leaving and said really loud, almost a shout like cya fatty. I'm in no way over weight, just stated i wanted another cake. For some reason i felt he was trying to put me down in front of others.
The other week i was helping him with his work, he asked what i was doing for halloween. I said nothing but i was excited as i dressed my son as a skeleton for nursery. I'm not 100% sure what he said but it sounded like he said my son was a freak. I said to him excuse me and he said i didnt say anything.
AIBU to be angry at him. I stand by and listen to his MH issues and then he talks to me like this? I don't understand what his issue is?

OP posts:

Sandals19 · 12/11/2019 22:56

*HR/boss

Sandals19 · 12/11/2019 22:57

And that's the thanks you get for being kind and supportive towards him, eh. No good deed goes unpunished.

Antigon · 13/11/2019 00:02

You're not responsible for his mental health. I would speak to your manager and HR for advice because I think this will escalate.

Motorbike311 · 13/11/2019 00:16

Jesus Christ, women are odd, cant you tell that he like you?

I know its an immature way to show it, but must men are.

BOOnanasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 13/11/2019 00:37

I think he’s trying to flirt with you.

In a playground, pulling the pigtails of the girl he likes, type of way.

MyMajesty · 13/11/2019 00:41

he asked if he had done something wrong. I just said i'd been busy.

So he's completely unaware that it bothered you before.
This time you need to tell him what he's done wrong.

monkeymonkey2010 · 13/11/2019 01:31

Seems like his mental health issues run deeper than you know.
His behavior sounds like how an ex-friend of mine used to behave - and she was diagnosed bi-polar.

I cut contact with her because of her rude, passive aggressive nasty digs at me....and going into victim mode when called out on it.
She even tried blaming it on being bi-polar........which cuts no mustard with me as an Aspie.

LannisterLion1 · 13/11/2019 02:24

Whatever his reasons, he's a rude prick OP.

Tell him he's rude publically and follow it with an email. Keep a log and distance yourself to icy civil professional.

I roll my eyes at the 'fancies you', anyone seen the film 'he is not that into you?' It's
covered in the first scene. Even if that was a reason who cares? There's no proof it is, it's just something women are told to make themselves feel better about men people treating them shitly.

Creepster · 13/11/2019 02:52

Mocking you in front of your coworkers was extremely inappropriate and everyone there knew it including the man who put on the male dominance display.
Write it down, date and time and as many details as you can. It sounds like he is well on his way to a workplace harassment complaint.
He will apologize if he has any sense, but that doesn't mean he won't do it again and again for "laughs'.

Lilymossflower · 13/11/2019 02:56

First thing of all fuck off to people saying autism. Autism has nothing to bloody do with this

Op - you seem like a really kind person and he sounds like a rude knobhead. As someone else said keep a log of all the abuse. Ask him to stop and if he dousnt, report him

BillHadersNewWife · 13/11/2019 03:06

i dont know if he fancies me. He did once try it on with me a year ago

How can you not know if he fancies you then?

Step back...go cold. If he carries on, report him.

Honeybee85 · 13/11/2019 03:55

He is rude and I wouldn’t be having it.
Next time he behaves like this, tell him off when the two of you are alone.
If that doesn’t work, call him out right at that moment in front of everybody if he says these things in front of others.
If he didn’t learn his lesson by then, I’d make a complaint about it to your manager or HR.

MH issues is not a reason to accept bullying behavior.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 13/11/2019 04:09

I can't believe some of these responses. He's being a twat because he fancies you? Have we not moved away from this kind of thinking? Boys being mean to girls at school because they like them. Men bullying women at work because they like them. Who gives a fuck why he's doing it? It needs stopping in its tracks.

I'd say firmly and clearly so you can be heard by others "you're actually being really rude, stop it" every time he said something like this and is keep a note of every time it happens. He might keep trying fit a while but will most likely shut up when he's getting no reaction apart from you calmly challenging himself each time he does it. Don't let him get his teeth into you any further. Bullying turns into a habit that's difficult to break very quickly.

fuzzyduck1 · 13/11/2019 04:25

Do you think he might fancy you?
But isn’t sure how to approach you about it.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 13/11/2019 05:10

I think he is trying, very awkwardly, to banter. Maybe he thinks you two are now mates since you've had intimate chats and sometimes friends slag each other off.

Tell him you don't like it. But expect him to be a bit taken aback that he has upset you.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 13/11/2019 05:27

Don't send him a message, talk to him in person.

But yeah he was really rude and he sounds pretty tedious.

MollyButton · 13/11/2019 06:04

It sounds like workplace bullying.
So treat it like such. Don't respond, especially joke. Keep records (maybe a dedicated notebook on your desk?).
Tell him clearly that what he is saying is unpleasant and not acceptable.
And talk to your Boss (and maybe HR).

And where is all this rubbish maybe he is mean to your because he likes you stuff coming from? It is the first level of abuse - "be mean to show her you are keen" is pushing at your boundaries to see just how much you are willing to put up with.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/11/2019 06:10

I wouldn’t talk to him. I would talk to your boss. It doesn’t matter if he is trying to banter with you. What he said and how he acted was horrible.

PorridgeAgainAbney · 13/11/2019 06:10

Agree with @WendyMoiraAngelaDarling. Women seem conditioned to try and work out why they are being treated like shit, investing even more energy into an already stressful, negative situation. All it does is potentially provide an excuse for the shitbag but not actually any silution.

I would try to react quite calmy, but at the time so everyone is clear that you find it unacceptable, something like "that's really rude" or "don't talk to me like that". Then obviously escalate formally if you get loads of shit in response or it doesn't stop.

GertrudeCB · 13/11/2019 06:25

He is a rude knob.

Original poster

Jinglebells10 · 13/11/2019 07:19

Thanks for your replies. He can say nice stuff like I like your hair/dress not just to me but to other people too. Apart of me has wondered if he's bi polar. He's laughing and joking and then I know when he's really down he tucks himself away and doesn't really say much. Although he's told me he refuses counselling and medication so he isn't helping himself. I think I'm going to text him and see what he replies. I don't need to email him to have it as evidence. And the whole he's mean because he likes you thing. I hate that! Even if he did, I think his behaviour wasn't nice and it doesn't make me think he's a nice guy.

OP posts:

WeMarchOn · 13/11/2019 07:25

@Lilymossflower exactly!

Jeezoh · 13/11/2019 07:56

I’d not brush it off when he’s rude - call him out on it firmly every time, even a “wow that’s rude” would do it. Mental health problems aren’t an excuse for bad behaviour.

Original poster

Jinglebells10 · 13/11/2019 08:47

I know mental health isn't an excuse as I suffer from it too but I'm am n it rude to people. Just hope it doesn't escalate and he's ok when I message him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jinglebells10 · 13/11/2019 08:53

Just sent this

"Hiya just wanted to say I didn't appreciate the way you spoke to me yesterday. Didn't want to make a scene but calling me fatty and saying you d roll me down a hill weren't nice. Or calling me stupid/idiot. I'm all for a joke but not at someone else's expense"

Sound ok?

OP posts:

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