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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU/WWYD BIL cancer and wedding.

67 replies

Toojudgypants · 22/10/2019 23:26

Ok, BIL is due to get married in 6 weeks time. The wedding is in Cyprus and we’ve booked to go. We’ve paid the full balance.
Sadly, he’s just been diagnosed with cancer and is going for an op on a couple of weeks. Because of the uncertainty of things and the fact we don’t really know the extent of the cancer and what follow up treatment is likely to be needed - they’ve understandably postponed the wedding.

Our dilemma is that our travel insurance doesn’t cover cancellation for this and we have spent nearly £5000 on going (2 adults, 2 children) it’s meant no holiday this year or next for us other than this.

I feel awful for still wanting to go to what would be his wedding, but equally, I don’t want to lose this money. It also means if they do rebook the wedding, we probably can’t afford to go.

I feel awful. The whole situation is awful. WWYD? WIBU to still go.

I wouldn’t share or post pictures of the holiday or talk about it around them.
If I do go, I think I’ll just feel awful the whole time.

OP posts:
Icecreambaby · 22/10/2019 23:32

How long will you be away? Maybe openly talk to him and explain that the money will not be recovered anyway so you and family will just go and take a rest and will see him as soon as you come back? Does he have other family members?

AcrossthePond55 · 22/10/2019 23:36

If I'm understanding correctly, either way you've 'spent' £5000, because you've either lost it due to cancellation/no refund or because you went ahead and went. Between the two, I'd probably choose to go. And if I were BiL, I'd understand. I'd wouldn't want to see someone I cared about lose £5000 because of me, no matter what the reason.

But I agree with keeping the holiday very low key and off SM.

Have you asked the travel company/airline/whoever if they'd let you exchange the existing reservations for an equal cost holiday elsewhere? Perhaps you'd feel better about it if you weren't going to his wedding location.

Original poster
Toojudgypants · 22/10/2019 23:38

We will be away for a week. He has a good support network and is close to his parents (My PILs) ...problem is most of those people are also booked to go. I wonder if we’re all thinking the same and then all end up going...it would be awful for them at possibly the hardest time of their lives. They have 2 young children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Toojudgypants · 22/10/2019 23:41

@acrossthepond I haven’t asked that. That could be a good idea. I think it’s the fact that it’s their wedding location that bothers me most.
I was trying to rationalise and thinking that if we’d just booked a holiday unrelated to the wedding, we wouldn’t have cancelled in this situation but would just have kept in touch from our destination...so perhaps if we were elsewhere it would feel better...
Does anyone know if travel companies do this?

OP posts:
runoutofnamechanges · 23/10/2019 00:21

I have a close friend who was diagnosed with cancer (happily in remission now) who needed to cancel a holiday with extended family that wasn't covered by travel insurance, other than himself and his partner. The airline allowed the entire party to put the entire booking on hold and the hotel allowed them to cancel. It was very much a case of goodwill rather than an obligation but it is worth asking.

saraclara · 23/10/2019 00:25

Usually you can claim for cancellation due to illness of a travelling companion. But different companies require different proof that you're travelling together. I'd have thought travelling with a brother would be reasonabl easy to prove.

I'm presuming that you've asked about that (rather than simply claiming because the wedding you were going to has been cancelled)?

WhatTiggersDoBest · 23/10/2019 01:01

How on Earth do you spend £5000 for 2+2 going to Cyprus for one week, especially in the off-season?! Confused
If you've chosen the most expensive of everything, you may as well go and enjoy it since you're not getting that money back. Make some nice memories with the kids.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 23/10/2019 01:02

PS I'm not trying to be judgey, I genuinely have no idea how you spent that much, and I regularly go for a week in an executive suite in a Marriott or Hilton in various locations around the world.

Original poster
Toojudgypants · 23/10/2019 04:43

@saraclara we aren’t travelling on the same days and times. They were booked for two weeks and travelling from different airport. It’s worth a shot though...

It ended up at £5000 quite easily...it’s all inclusive. It definitely wasn’t the most expensive. It was where they chose and we just went along with it.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 23/10/2019 04:56

Go and just keep it quiet. Don't be daft and post pics on Facebook. It would be pointless to throw away the money.

Durgasarrow · 23/10/2019 05:22

It is sad, but of course you should go. This cancer diagnosis may prove to be a marathon that will require stamina. You and your family will need the good times to sustain you through the dark times that will come as well. Life continues.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/10/2019 05:24

Others have suggested some great ideas. Ultimately if none of them work, I would still go. You sacrificed a great deal to celebrate your bils wedding and if they decide to rebook next year you won’t be able to attend regardless of whether or not you go this year. So go. His health is just terribly unfortunate.

SamBeckett · 23/10/2019 05:31

Did you pay by card ? it may be worth getting in touch with them to see if they can refund you if you cancel the holiday with the travel company

BlueJava · 23/10/2019 06:25

I'd go - BIL's situation is sad but I'd (gently) explain to him and keep it off social media. Go and have a good time with your kids. You can't be expected to lose 5k just like that.

ButDoYouAvocado · 23/10/2019 06:25

Similar happened to me last year. Two families going abroad, one family had a member diagnosed with a sudden life threatening illness.

We could have gone but like you I felt uncomfortable about it so spoke to the agent (TUI) who allowed us to rebook the same holiday for a different date. Obviously we didn't know when they would be well enough to go but we could do this as many times as we wanted.

There was a charge PP - I can't remember how much.

Cherrysoup · 23/10/2019 07:01

Go. Tell him, but go.

Thedevilofsmallthings · 23/10/2019 07:02

I'd still go but if at all possible I'd see if I could take BIL's children as well. Again talk to the travel company and see what they could do.

Thedevilofsmallthings · 23/10/2019 07:04

I think you'd feel less awful if you were treating the children.

MoodLighting · 23/10/2019 07:17

Honestly not sure if I could go to their wedding venue without them. I'd be pleading with the travel company. But then I've never spent more than £1k on a holiday. Terrible situation, I really hope your BIL recovers. Everyone must be gutted.

AuntieStella · 23/10/2019 07:25
Flowers

Such a shitty time. How is DH (assuming BIL is his DBro)?

Have you spoken to him, and PILs, about this? It would be very rough on BIL if everyone poked off to their wedding without them. So worth finding out everyone's plans , and who will remain around for BIL to lean on. Unless DH is his 'go-to' person, I think it's OK

And yes, no sharing on social media

Tartsamazeballs · 23/10/2019 07:25

Are their children old enough to go with you? Maybe you could offer to take them if BIL would like a bit of adult time?

Loopytiles · 23/10/2019 07:29

Most people wouldn’t want friends and relatives to lose their money and have no holiday.

Unless you can switch dates or holidays at low cost, go.

rwalker · 23/10/2019 07:35

Just have an honest chat with them I think most people in BIL situation would tell you to go .

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/10/2019 07:38

I would go.

Roselilly36 · 23/10/2019 07:39

You can’t afford to lose that amount of money, if I was a relative in the same position as your BIL I would definitely want you to go and enjoy the holiday rather than lose the money. I am surprised that your travel insurance isn’t covering you for cancelling in the circumstances.