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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU/WWYD BIL cancer and wedding.

67 replies

Toojudgypants · 22/10/2019 23:26

Ok, BIL is due to get married in 6 weeks time. The wedding is in Cyprus and we’ve booked to go. We’ve paid the full balance.
Sadly, he’s just been diagnosed with cancer and is going for an op on a couple of weeks. Because of the uncertainty of things and the fact we don’t really know the extent of the cancer and what follow up treatment is likely to be needed - they’ve understandably postponed the wedding.

Our dilemma is that our travel insurance doesn’t cover cancellation for this and we have spent nearly £5000 on going (2 adults, 2 children) it’s meant no holiday this year or next for us other than this.

I feel awful for still wanting to go to what would be his wedding, but equally, I don’t want to lose this money. It also means if they do rebook the wedding, we probably can’t afford to go.

I feel awful. The whole situation is awful. WWYD? WIBU to still go.

I wouldn’t share or post pictures of the holiday or talk about it around them.
If I do go, I think I’ll just feel awful the whole time.

OP posts:
Blackbear19 · 23/10/2019 07:40

Speak to tour operator. Would you consider taking BILs kids too?

I know 2 extra kids is a big ask but might be really good for them.

Loveislandaddict · 23/10/2019 07:42

I would go. It would be unfair on you not to go. That’s too much money not to go.

NotSorry · 23/10/2019 07:42

I’m a cancer survivor and I’d want you to go

nomoreclue · 23/10/2019 07:43

If it was my wedding and you were my relative I’d want you to still go. The situation is awful and it would make me feel worse thinking of everybody losing all of that money

Candle1000 · 23/10/2019 07:45

What are the others that were also going to the wedding going to do ? Have you spoken to them?

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/10/2019 07:46

I would tell the travel company exactly why you were going and why the wedding isn’t happening then ask if you can either put it on hold to see how the treatment is going

or if they say no to that then can you pick a different destination.

It would have to be done through compassionate grounds but they might

If neither are acceptable then I would explain to BIL and still go

KitKat1985 · 23/10/2019 07:55

I would go. There's nothing to be gained in you losing 5k and not getting a holiday out of it, if there's still an option to go. If I were your BIL I'd hate to think of other people losing out on that sort of money.

WineOrGinOrBoth · 23/10/2019 08:01

Where in Cyprus?

The hotel May allow you to change to another time or another one of its hotels if it’s in a group.

I’d also consider taking BILs dcs with me to give them all a break depending on their ages.

Also weather in 6 weeks is very changeable in Cyprus so I’d be looking at Changing to a different time of year if possible.

Hydrogenbeatsoxygen · 23/10/2019 08:06

Definitely go @Toojudgypants and enjoy your holiday. Things happen, I’ve had cancer and in the situation you outline I would want you to go and enjoy yourselves.

Lovemenorca · 23/10/2019 08:22

Good lord. - I can’t possibly fathom that any family member, least of all your poor BIL, would have any issue with this whatsoever

Lovemenorca · 23/10/2019 08:22

Has the issue not already been raised and discussed?

Boysey45 · 23/10/2019 08:48

Just go, surely no one would want someone to lose all that money. I wouldn't be asking anyone, its not his business. The world isn't put on hold because someone is poorly.

PunkHairToday · 23/10/2019 08:52

Are you sure your insurance doesn't cover this?

@Toojudgypants

I thought you would be covered as long as at the time of booking your relative was not undergoing tests or on a waiting list for treatment. If the diagnosis is very recent and there were no symptoms when you booked your holiday, I'd assume you were covered.

Did you take out insurance in time?

LucileDuplessis · 23/10/2019 08:54

Agree re changing to a different date or location if you can. But if you can't, I'd go and I'm sure BIL would understand.

PunkHairToday · 23/10/2019 08:55

The more I think on it, the more I don't understand why your hol insurance won't cover you. Have you double checked the small print?

In the past I used to check the insurance re hols as I had elderly parents who were having treatment. However, as long as they did not have an appt booked at the time of taking out the insurance, or waiting for test results, I was covered.

Lucielastik · 23/10/2019 08:57

If you booked with Tui it may be worthwhile talking to customer services. Last year we were unable to travel due to illness not covered by insurance and they were very helpful, initially let us change the date and destination then giving a refund. It was classed as an ‘exemption’ - i think they have some discretion in some circumstances

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/10/2019 08:57

Am I reading this correctly - would your BIL and fiancée have had to travel out to Cyprus as well just for the wedding? In other words, was it a "destination" wedding that everyone was having to travel to Cyprus for?

I would definitely go - maybe look into changing the destination, if you think it would be too hurtful for BIL for everyone to be going to his wedding destination when he can't, but even if you can't, I woudl still go.

And then I would hope that your BIL (if it IS a destination wedding) decides to just get married at home when he can, rather than costing everyone a load more money.

But I would also contact the insurance company, just to see what they say.

SciFiScream · 23/10/2019 08:58

We had to face losing our summer holiday this year as MIL got worse very quickly and died. The holiday company (TUI) allowed us to put an "exception" in and we moved our holiday from beginning of July this year to beginning of July next year. There was a charge but they waived that too.

Our insurance didn't cover us as we knew the diagnosis before booking. We didn't have the prognosis though much changed in over a year.

Kaddm · 23/10/2019 09:16

Go but try to change the hotel to a different one

walkintheparc · 23/10/2019 09:30

I would speak to all of the providers first and see if they can either cancel/refund or change destinations as a show of goodwill. Explain the situation, you never know.

If not, you just have to be honest with BIL, I'm sure he wouldn't want you to miss out on this money and probably feels awful knowing people have everything booked.

Molly2010 · 23/10/2019 12:02

Something similar happened to me but in this country. The hotel allowed me to postpone and re-book as a gesture of goodwill. I’d contact each company individually to see if they would allow you to postpone the booking. The airline may let you have a credit or similar. I’d pursue this avenue before considering going. I think it would be insensitive to go, but I’d understand why.

SpookilyBadOooooooh · 23/10/2019 12:36

I’m so sorry to hear about your BIL. Obviously hoping the news is as least bad as possible & the treatment is successful & not too brutal x

Firstly I would phone the travel insurance company they might refund as it’s DH’s brother, if you actually ask in person.

Next I would look into the possibility of
putting it ‘on hold’ as others have said - they (travel company /airline/hotel) may do this as a goodwill gesture if you explain the situation.

If I couldn’t get either of those options I’d then try to change the location.

But you shouldn’t waste the holiday money because thats not going to help your BIL and you should have a family holiday, that you’ve paid for already, for the kids sake if not for yours.

If I was your BIL I’d totally understand and want you to go. It wouldn’t actually bother me if you still wanted to go on the original holiday actually. Then when they rebook the wedding they might book in the UK anyway, and if they don’t - you can criss that bridge when you come to it (you have lots of options - don’t go, borrow your go, borrow & go shorter/cheaper options, in-laws might be able to help/loan you the money).

Just wondering too - depending on how old they are, could you go somewhere less expensive and take the cousins with you?

Original poster
Toojudgypants · 23/10/2019 12:53

Yeah, we took the insurance out in time. They were saying that we were travelling at different times from different places and couldn’t prove that our holiday was related to the wedding. Also, we’re staying in the hotel over the road from them. They really have been quite cold and matter of fact and not particularly nice to deal with. I’m going to get back in touch and push the matter.

If that fails, I’ll try the tour operator and hopefully they’re more compassionate. Dh isn’t BILs go to person as such - there are others he’s closer to.

I’m not sure about taking his kids...they wouldn’t fit in our hotel room that we’ve booked and I can’t afford to pay more to get a bigger room...if that’s how it works. I haven’t explored this option. I’m just guessing I’d need a bigger therefore more expensive room.

If insurance doesn’t back down, then I’ll try rescheduling with the tour operator.

We haven’t really discussed things as a family yet. It’s all new and a bit of a shock. I thought I’d ask on here first to get a general feel before I chipped into any discussions.

Just feeling sad and want BIL to get better. He’s only 42.

OP posts:
WineOrGinOrBoth · 23/10/2019 13:14

Flowers for you all & especially your BIL

SpookilyBadOooooooh · 23/10/2019 13:14

42 with two young kids and about to get married. 😢cancer is a bastard! But let’s be positive and hope the prognosis is good.

The fact it’s DH’s brother and the wedding is across the road - should pretty much prove that’s why you’re going! Ask what information they need regarding the booking if the wedding across the road. FFS I know they have a job to do and people must try it on all the time, but it doesn’t take a genius to work this one out. Hopefully you’ll get someone with more sense/compassion when you call back

You might need a suite if you take the cousins, but you might be able to do it for the same price in a different location.