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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mum at school’s kid has no friends

47 replies

Anon20191 · 21/10/2019 19:11

Mum at my child’s reception class is constantly moaning and crying about her child not having any friends yet. Reception started like what 4 or 5 weeks ago. I’m getting really tired of listening to her now. I’ve tried getting my child to make friends with hers but she doesn’t! I’ve explained it’s not nice and she should play with this kid. I have tried bribing my child with chocolate to get her to play with this kid but nothing works. My husband feels I’m putting too much pressure on our 4 year old.

This mum is really on my last nerve now, she’s been saying “oh you’re so lucky your child was in the school nursery so she now has lots of friends, my poor child has none”. I’m really getting annoyed with her, luck has nothing to do with it! I chose for my child to go to the school nursery, this mum did get a place in nursery but decided it was too much effort and private nursery was closer to her home. I know I should be sympathetic, I as was for first 2 weeks or so but now she is really annoying me, any tips on how to deal?

There are other new mums in same position but don’t complain and cry like she does. She makes me feel guilty that my child has friends!

OP posts:

PepsiLola · 21/10/2019 19:13

She should focus on teacher her child to talk to others, asking to play etc rather than forcing other kids to include

Whattodoabout · 21/10/2019 19:15

She should speak to the teacher.

itreallyisanicefence · 21/10/2019 19:16

She could invite someone over for a play date? Don't stress thought it's not your problem. As long as your kid isn't being mean to her leave her be. Don't force her to be her friend.

Suzanne12 · 21/10/2019 19:16

It's not nice for her to see her child without friends but it's not your problem and you've done what you can to help. She needs to focus on encouraging her child to make friends and to discuss it with the teacher.

Ginfordinner · 21/10/2019 19:17

You don't sound very nice TBH.
She needs to talk to the teacher.

Original poster

Anon20191 · 21/10/2019 19:19

I think she’s fixated on my daughter For some reason. I’ve introduced her to other mums and kids but she’s keen on our kids becoming friends! She keeps trying to make me feel guilty that my daughter doesn’t want to play with hers.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 21/10/2019 19:20

Loads of 4 year olds don't really have friends. Some of them aren't quite ready for it yet. Is her ds even bothered?

Original poster

Anon20191 · 21/10/2019 19:20

@Ginfordinner really? So apart from talking to my child, bribing her to be friends what else should I be doing in your eyes to be “nice”

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 21/10/2019 19:24

If your dd doesn't want to play with him then she doesn't bloody have to. Don't coerce her. Tell this woman that you have no control over who your dd plays with as she is free to choose her own friends.

TheMasterBaker · 21/10/2019 19:24

You can't make your child be friends with someone, of course step in if yours was being cruel and intentionally leaving her out or being unkind to her. I would advise her to speak with the teacher as maybe she/he is unaware that her dd is unhappy and struggling to make friends. I have the issue with my middle daughter, she doesn't have any friends, it's not because she's a horrid child, bc she's a lovely girl, but is very different to other children her age, she is mentally much younger than the others in her year and very hyper so I think other kids find her annoying, yet I would never want another child to feel like they were being forced to be her friend as it's not fair. It is a worry when your child doesn't appear to have any friends. I get that her going on is annoying you but you're being a bit harsh imo. It can be worrying thinking about your child not having someone to play with etc.

Icecreamsoda99 · 21/10/2019 19:25

Please don't put pressure on your daughter to be friends with another child, encouraging kindness is great but your daughter needs to choose her friends and shouldn't feel she has to be friends with anybody, otherwise it's a potential dangerous precedent. You can encourage the mum to speak to the teacher, otherwise be sympathetic but if it is annoying you just need to avoid the woman, get chatting to other mum's if you can.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 21/10/2019 19:29

Ginfordinner yes, can you please explain exactly what aspect of OP 's post makes her sound 'not nice'?

Original poster

Anon20191 · 21/10/2019 19:30

Thanks for the input. I gave her my phone number as felt sorry for her so even outside of school I have to hear about it. It’s half term now and she’s been whstspping me since the afternoon. I’ve been reassuring her etc. I really disagree I’m being harsh I’ve gone far and beyond what I need to try and get this kid friends. My baby has been crying whilst I’ve been sending WhatsApp messages to this person so no I do not agree I’m being harsh

OP posts:

PepePig · 21/10/2019 19:31

Firstly, if your kid doesn't want to be friends with this mum's kid, you can't force her to be. Stop asking her to/bribing her. If they naturally strike up a friendship, great, but it needs to happen organically. I think parents should only intervene with their children/children's friends if it's something like bullying.

The other mum needs to stop blaming the scenario on the nursery and actually do something about it. She could talk to the teacher and see if there's anything that could be done, or send invitations around a few of the children to have a play-date or similar. She should also encourage her child to be friendly and try with other children.

Explain to the mum next time she complains that she could talk to the teacher and see what her child is like with other kids and if they have any pointers, but refuse to discuss it after that. This is a problem she needs to sort out with her child and if she isn't going to do anything proactive about it other than complaining, it's no wonder it hasn't sorted itself out yet.

Icecreamsoda99 · 21/10/2019 19:32

Maybe a message then "hello off for a few days now and taking a break from the phone, see you in school and hope you all have a nice half term" then mute her on Whatsapp for the week!

PepePig · 21/10/2019 19:35

@Anon20191

Just saw your last update. You need to establish boundaries with this woman or she'll be walking over you for the next 7 years. Turn your WhatsApp activity off so she can't see when you were last online. Don't open her messages until it genuinely suits you to that day. Keep your messages short and polite. Keep school gate chit chat to a minimum.

It's sad that she obviously has anxiety over this, but it isn't your problem to sort out. She needs to sort it out through means that will actually help. Complaining to every mum at the school gates isn't going to help her child. Plus, without being harsh, there must be a reason why no one wants to be friends with her child by now. Perhaps the child is too bossy/controlling. These are things she needs to find out and work on.

TwinkleRedMoon · 21/10/2019 19:35

I always seem to have this problem. My ds is 11 now and still I seem to be like a magnet for parents who have have a dc who has trouble making friends. They seem to be wanting me to encourage my ds to be friends with their dc and my ds doesn't usually want to be their friend. My ds is happy being friendly with different groups while not having best friends. It is just the way he is.

It is so awkward. I have had this problem recently and I really don't know what to do for the best. I am avoiding the parent who keeps asking if my ds will go to their house. My ds has said no way is he going. But how do I say that to the parent? It's so awkward. I hate it.

PumpkinPie2016 · 21/10/2019 19:36

You can't force your daughter to be friends/play with hers - all I would do is encourage kindness in the same way you would normally.

As for the mum, she is clearly (and understandably) upset/worried that her child appears to have no friends. I don't think it's solely because the child went to a different nursery, nor do I think that's the mum's fault - perhaps the school one just didn't for with work etc.

I would advise her to speak to the teacher - it may well be that the child does play with others during the day and if not, the teacher can support her with this.

EduCated · 21/10/2019 19:37

You can’t sort this out for her. You need to gently step back. She needs to be speaking to school if she’s worried.

Original poster

Anon20191 · 21/10/2019 19:38

@PepePig yes I’m getting the feeling I should be setting boundaries. That’s really spot on for you to say that as that’s my weakness! I cannot set boundaries as I feel bad. Well as they say everything in life happens to teach us something, I need to work on this! x

OP posts:

Original poster

Anon20191 · 21/10/2019 19:39

@TwinkleRedMoon well sounds like you understand this then. Maybe we come across very friendly! It is annoying tho isn’t it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anon20191 · 21/10/2019 19:41

Thanks for the input everyone will read more suggestions later. My baby Is looking at me now probably thinking why has mummy Ben on that thing (phone) all day

OP posts:

QueenoftheDay · 21/10/2019 19:42

My child had this issue. One of only four or five kids not at the school nursery. The school nursery mums were cliquey as fuck and had no interest in mixing their kids at all. They had their pals from nursery and they focussed only on nurturing those friendships. I actually overheard one of them bemoaning the fact that her child was “forced” to sit next to “a new kid”. “she’s so upset not to sit next to her friend. I mean I get that the teacher wants them to mix but the new kids are not our problem” etc etc.

It was pleasant.

I actively sought out on Facebook the mum of another wee girl who I knew was a “newbie”. I didn’t know her and she didn’t know me. I sent her a private message, kept it breezy, did they fancy maybe going to the park one Sunday. Well she nearly bit the hand off me!

It made a huge difference. We are a couple of months in now and not only are the girls still friends but because they are together they’ve had the confidence to play with other girls in the class too. As time has moved on, the nursery issue has very quickly become less of an issue.

Drum2018 · 21/10/2019 19:50

Stop opening her whatsapp messages so she won't see you've read them. Don't respond. You're on school break so for all she knows you could be away. Don't open any for the rest of the week and when you meet at school next week tell her you were busy all week and didn't get to reply. Then if she brings up the child's lack of friends again tell her firmly that she will need to speak to the teacher and ask them to help the child to engage with other kids at school. It is NOT your responsibility to foster friendships for her child.

Bluerussian · 21/10/2019 20:13

Anon, please don't bribe your daughter to be friends with this child, it won't work. Stay out of children's friendships as far as possible.

I feel sorry for the little girl's mother but she shouldn't be making such an issue out of it and certainly not burdening you all the time. Just be superficially friendly with her, pleasant and change the subject if she starts again. Her child will make friends sooner or later, she's only four.

If she carries on like this when her child is older she will be an embarrassing mother!

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