Mum at school’s kid has no friends

[Anon20191]

Mum at my child’s reception class is constantly moaning and crying about her child not having any friends yet. Reception started like what 4 or 5 weeks ago. I’m getting really tired of listening to her now. I’ve tried getting my child to make friends with hers but she doesn’t! I’ve explained it’s not nice and she should play with this kid. I have tried bribing my child with chocolate to get her to play with this kid but nothing works. My husband feels I’m putting too much pressure on our 4 year old.

This mum is really on my last nerve now, she’s been saying “oh you’re so lucky your child was in the school nursery so she now has lots of friends, my poor child has none”. I’m really getting annoyed with her, luck has nothing to do with it! I chose for my child to go to the school nursery, this mum did get a place in nursery but decided it was too much effort and private nursery was closer to her home. I know I should be sympathetic, I as was for first 2 weeks or so but now she is really annoying me, any tips on how to deal?

There are other new mums in same position but don’t complain and cry like she does. She makes me feel guilty that my child has friends!

[ymf117]

Don't put pressure on your DD, tell the mum she likes to play with everyone. Half term is coming up, arrange to all meet at the local soft play so all mums can encourage friendships. Or suggest that she has play dates to get to know others better. It can't be a nice feeling at all.

[Riojasmoothy]

Is it possibly the mother rather than the child who is inept at friendships? I just wonder if she is maybe hoping you will invite them both for playdates?

[GreySheep]

Please stop trying to force your child to be friends with a specific child.

Let your DC make their own friendship choices or you could mess up their school life from the start.

[Lovemydaughterx]

My DD is in year 1 now, but when she started Reception she knew nobody. She knew 1 boy from her nursery but she wasn’t even proper friends with him and didn’t teally know him. Took my DD a few months to become good friends with other children.

I’m thinking it may be the mother here rather than the child. That she is using the excuse of having her child have no friends when really it’s her feeling like she has no friends up the school? I could be wrong.

I know when my DD came out from school this time last year and I asked who she played with and she said no one. I asked the teacher and she said she’s always playing with various children.

[BlockedandDeleted]

I should be setting boundaries... that’s my weakness!

And you're teaching your daughter to have the same weakness by literally bribing her to blur her own boundaries and make her feel responsible for someone else's wellbeing against her own wishes.

[Anon20191]

@BlockedandDeleted so true! I cannot be responsible for everyone. That’s why it’s been a dilemma and I posted as I know i shouldn’t give a s**t but part of me feels crap for being like this. Is this what setting boundaries should feel like?

[Hederex]

Am I the only one who thinks she hasn't chosen your DD per se, she has chosen YOU, and is angling for them to be invited round?
The nursery thing is just nonsense, they are so young and many of them still predominantly play side by side rather than really together at the start of Reception.

[Hederex]

And yep, setting boundaries can feel shit, but it's better than the alternative...often for everyone.

[LadySpratt]

OP, this mother probably isn’t fixated on your child playing with hers; she’s fixated on you. Unless I missed your post entirely, you only have this person’s word for it that her DD has no one to play with. A grown woman crying seems like a reaction out of proportion. Has she spoken to the teacher - someone who is witnessing the children every day?
I think PepePig is bang on. Nip this in the bud or your primary school life could be very draining.
Best of luck 💪 💐

[LadySpratt]

Ah, Hederex, ditto! Takes me so long to type!

[Anon20191]

@Hederex and @ladyspratt

Yes both right. I’ve realised The mum is clinging onto me as I’m always seen as “nice”! I need to learn to be more assertive and less nicey nicey. I didn’t include this originally as it was irrelevant but this mum gets jealous when she sees me chatting to other mums!! I was asking another new mum how her and kid getting along and I could see her giving me daggers from the corner of my eye! I really need to sort this out. It’s not even the mums fault in honesty as I should have nipped it in the bud like another poster said and not been so readily Available to talk. It does feel crap, but I can’t live my life for other people happiness anymore. I’m nearly hitting 40. I need to stop behaving like a school girl

[BoomBoomsCousin]

Your husband's right. You are not being the parent your DD needs (in this particular respect - not a reflection on your parenting in general). And you aren't actually helping the other child either who needs to learn social skills in order to make friends.

Tell the other parent you've tried but they clearly aren't clicking. You could suggest she talks to the teachers (which is probably good advice for her). But, since she seems fixated on your child, you may also want to talk to the teachers yourself and let them know you're aware some of the non-nursery kids are struggling and you've had an issue with some trying to force a friendship between with your kid and you hope they'll make an effort to integrate everyone without trying to pair up particular kids.

Suggesting whole class social opportunities like the soft play suggestion upthread is a good way to foster integration and friendships without putting pressure on particular children to carry the burden.

[57Varieties]

She sounds a right pain. I agree she should speak to the teacher. When my eldest was in p2 he came home crying one day that he had no friends and spent all playtimes alone. I spoke to the school who observed him at playtimes and told me it was nonsense! It had probably been one playtime he’d been on his own but had focussed on it.

[thisisthetime]

It’s nothing to do with the nursery. My dd went to the attached nursery and made all new friends in reception and barely plays with the nursery kids now. Some kids are good at making friends and are naturally fun-loving and good at getting involved in games etc, others are either quieter and need to find their ‘tribe’ or have less interest and are happy playing alone. Her kid may not have even noticed/minded that she doesn’t have any friends although from what you’ve said I’m inclined to think the mother would have told her!

You need to stop answering her messages or answer but say you’re going to be busy now. Leaving your baby to cry to answer messages from a woman it sounds like you don’t even like is a bit much.

I would try to chat to other mums in a group with this woman so it’s not all on you. Or just grab your child and go. I’m not saying she shouldn’t be concerned but her dc is only young and she sounds like a moaner rather than a doer. Tell her to talk to the teacher or teach her dc sentences to say to help her talk to others and role play making friends. Encourage your dc to be kind but don’t force her to play with her. They play with who they want anyway. Rinse and repeat. Don’t be too sympathetic or she’ll just use you as her sounding board to moan to.

[Anon20191]

Lots to think about thanks mumsnetters! It does help listening to others that in reality it’s not my problem.

[Mumof21989]

From a different point of view. I have spoke to a mum at the gates who's child is super confident in reception and my DD is not so.... She volunteered to ask her DD to approach mine and she did and they played. I spoke about my anxieties around my DD being shy to her again last week and she chatted to me about her kids etc. You might think she's being a pain but she is probably anxious for her child and not sure if by now she should have friends. I feel abit the same. But I know not too be pushy or expect other kids unwillingly to play with her. Sometimes shy kids like mine won't approach people but like bring approached. She is saying you are lucky because she wishes her child was more able to mix etc.

She should speak to the teacher though. You can't bribe your child to play with her. The teacher should help her mix TBF.

It can be hard for mums to send them in knowing they struggle in this area. Try and be understanding but suggest she has a word with her teacher x

[Anon20191]

Mumof2 hope your little one does make friends soon. You don’t sound pushy Or clingy like the mum I’m dealing with! Why not arrange a play date with the more quieter kids, n my Ybevtheyre struggling to make friends too. Goodluck x

[Anon20191]

*maybe their struggling to make friends too

[Mumof21989]

Haha yes she sounds very pushy. I chatted in balance with this mum who also talks about her kids etc. Some people express it in the wrong way. You can't force your child to be her friend. The lady in my situation asked her DD to encourage mine to join in. She told her mum they had great fun. Yeah I am going to see how she is by Christmas. I think she will get there. She's never going to be the loud chatty leader but i hope she still can befriend people soon abit x

[Anon20191]

It took my daughter a good 7 months of nursery school to have the friends she has now.

[Anon20191]

Mumof2 - my daughters not very outgoing either. She’s very shy and babyish (she’s a summer baby!). It took her a long time to make friends, I didn’t stress about it as they’re never really alone, even at playtime they’re all together and being supervised etc. Give it time. Imagine us as adults being forced into a room with 30 others, I’d be so overwhelmed!

[BoomBoomsCousin]

She's never going to be the loud chatty leader but i hope she still can befriend people soon abit

You may be surprised. One of my daughters was v. shy and bad at making friends in reception/y1. Now in year 6 she's a bit of a queen bee and her sister who was v. outgoing is much more restrained. They can really change as they grow.