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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I over sensitive or is this work situation Shit

38 replies

Fightingmycorner2019 · 18/10/2019 12:14

Would appreciate some impartial advice

Been at my company for a very long time
Have had a colleague with whom I have a
Complex history as do the same role and high amount of unspoken competition . It’s draining but we have coped as previous management were more impartial .

This year new department management....

1 used to have an emotional affair with said colleague (was told this) with some inappropriate behaviour . Texts , gifts etc and probably more

2 shows something of a bias to said
Colleague , including long laughing Conversations, shoulder rubs and hugs Envy boak

The above I can live with (Just about ) however the professional treatment has moved to

  • Assigning certain sectors more
To said colleague
  • More client involvement
  • evening messages and WhatsApp (whilst
My messages are ignored !)

I have NO desire to ingratiate myself with senior male colleagues . Never have . But I am concerned that my professional advancement is stalling . Majorly
I have a strong track record for what it’s worth

I don’t feel this is fair , impartial or professional

Say something or suck it up ?

OP posts:
Thehop · 18/10/2019 12:16

Say something!

Keep a work diary so you can prove that distribution of jobs is unfair etc

PotteringAlong · 18/10/2019 12:16

Can you start looking for a new job)

GoldPaperStars · 18/10/2019 12:17

Is there any opportunity to move roles or companies? Take all the experience that you have and move on to bigger and better things? It’s a shit situation, but one that’s difficult to see changing.

Failing that - keeping a record of every perceived inequality and reporting it to a potentially sympathetic manager or HR department.

Good luck with it - it does sound very unfair.

Biancadelrioisback · 18/10/2019 12:17

Can you ask for a meeting and ask him to explain the workload distribution? The last night messages (if outside of work time) are completely at their own discretion. If you're unsatisfied with the meeting, ask to have a repeat meeting with a more senior manager.

Whatever their relationship is like, he will need to back up why they get preferential treatment.

LakieLady · 18/10/2019 12:18

Say something! Do you have one-to-ones with your next-in-line manager? That might be the best way to raise it.

Jizzle · 18/10/2019 12:46

Frankly, your 'rival' is playing the game and winning it at that.

Of course you don't have to be suckered in to it or do the same things she is doing, but if not, be prepared for her being given better jobs, more responsibility etc.

We are of course only getting one side of the story, you say her relationship with one of the senior team involves 'long laughing conversations', could it just be that she is funny? As such of course they are going to give her better jobs, they get on with her and have a better connection. If you are considered boring then they will interact with you less and therefore also come to view you as not as good as her.

Raindrops2019 · 18/10/2019 13:01

@Jizzle wow. you really have low expectations of the world. Are we all supposed to 'play the game' by having affairs? What happens when a prettier, younger woman knocks you off your perch? What game can you play then?

ChicCroissant · 18/10/2019 13:07

I think you need to focus on your own job and what you can influence OP. You are far too focused on what your colleague is doing, and all the time you spend watching your colleague and keeping track of the (possibly perceived) interactions is all time not spent on your own career.

Either focus entirely on your own job or look for another one. But don't give the colleague quite so much headspace.

Bluntness100 · 18/10/2019 13:10

I think you're on really really dodgy ground. Who told you they had an emotional affair? That's an accusation that needs evidence and not something you can throw about and expect to keep your job.

Unless you have evidence, then all you have is they get on better with your colleague and arguably trust their ability more, hence why th allocations and responses.

Bluntness100 · 18/10/2019 13:12

he will need to back up why they get preferential treatment

Well if you've ever been a manger you'd know that's really bloody easy to defend, you just say the quality of work is better and the op is difficult.

Original poster
Fightingmycorner2019 · 18/10/2019 13:15

Exactly ! I would hope I am judged on my professional merits , track record and experience
Not on relationships and game playing
I have booked a
Meeting with head of HR . I will get her advice and take from there
Thanks 😊

OP posts:
bluebeck · 18/10/2019 13:17

I think you will have to move jobs.

Original poster
Fightingmycorner2019 · 18/10/2019 13:18

I am not mentioning anything confidential
Just asking for advice from HR if this is something I should address . Or not Smile

Yes moving is an option , but I want to assert my corner and build my confidence up first

OP posts:
Original poster
Fightingmycorner2019 · 18/10/2019 13:18

Today 13:10 Bluntness100

And you have a point about giving it airspace

OP posts:
Hesafriendfromwork · 18/10/2019 13:19

This is the problem with being over competitive, especially when it can be categorised as 'draining'. Its got out of hand.

The colleague is winning. One person, in these games, always comes out on top. Sometimes, for unfair reasons.

Who told you they had an emotional affair.

And honestly, if this manager just personally liked you more and you were getting the upper hand, would you notice it was unfair and hand off work to this person?

The only thing you can do is ask why you are missing out on the bigger pieces. If you arent happy with that, go to HR. Presuming you have one.

Thetruth02 · 18/10/2019 13:21

What exactly are you going to say to HR? The only thing above which is remotely within a work remit is the part about certain sectors being allocated more to her. The rest really isn’t your business.

I’m not saying it’s not shit - it is - but it’s tricky to manage really.

Original poster
Fightingmycorner2019 · 18/10/2019 13:24

I was planning to ask for their advice if this is something I should address or not ? Not sure now ! Life isn’t fair hey . But it’s affecting my
Confidence so I do want a stab to address it , at least I tried ?

Or maybe I work on my confidence and leave

Fuck knows Confused

OP posts:
Pilot12 · 18/10/2019 13:26

Have you reported their "relationship" to HR. Most Companies have a policy where a couple who are in a relationship are not allowed to work together in the same department. If HR are made aware of this, one of them could be moved elsewhere. This happened to one of my colleagues when she started dating her line manager (he got moved).

bluebeck · 18/10/2019 13:29

Yes moving is an option , but I want to assert my corner and build my confidence up first

I suspect if you don't move sooner rather than later, your confidence will end up in the gutter over this.......

PasswordRejection · 18/10/2019 13:32

Be careful you are not seeing more than there is just because your boss is a man an your colleague is a woman. I was in a similar position where I had a female colleague who saw me as the competition (we were both trainee lawyers, both vying for a permanent job. I got on really well with one of the senior partners. We had a very similar sense of humour and I really like working for him, both because I felt I could learn a lot from him and because I enjoyed the cases he worked on. He ended up giving me most of his delegated work, because I was super keen and very good at what I did.

Subsequently found out that colleague had started a rumour mill going that it was all because he was attracted to me and I flirted with him. He's a lovely man (who ended up coming to my wedding with his lovely wife) but nothing inappropriate EVER happened or was ever even hinted at. It was pretty gutting to be the subject of such nasty gossip and so disappointing that the assumption was, because I was a young woman, that was why I got the work and not just because I happened to be good at my job.

Original poster
Fightingmycorner2019 · 18/10/2019 13:35

I would never make any allegations
I just want to know if this something to address and rectify , or suck up
HR is older and experienced and could ask for advice
I mean I have to try to adress

BUT you are right that the time stressing is eating up a lot of time

I don’t know just seems unfair

OP posts:
CloudPop · 18/10/2019 13:37

Bear in mind HR are there to protect the company, not the employees. Their first reaction is to try and shut down any suggestion that you are being treated in any way unfairly. It's absolutely worthwhile having the conversation, but have a thunk in advance of what you want out of the conversation.

CloudPop · 18/10/2019 13:37

And yes, it is shit. And unfair.

Bluntness100 · 18/10/2019 13:38

You can address it op, but only in the phrasing of favouritism, you can't be saying they had an affair. It makes you look just jealous and bitter.

Unless you have evidence, rumour is not evidence.

However I'd pause to think here, exactly what do you think will happen after? Because it's not going to make you popular, and both of them will fight their corner. You're going to be kicking something off that you've no control over the direction it goes in. Becayse they will be expected to state their side, and your manager could say you're jealous, less capable, and difficult.

I'd think very carefully if this is just envy on your side and what you hope to achieve,

Original poster
Fightingmycorner2019 · 18/10/2019 13:42

Great advice
Really thanks everyone
I will digest
Maybe Inneed to handle direct with a manager in question
Or get some career coaching and get out

I like being here for
Many reasons but this scenario is tricky

Fuck knows ! Hate being an adult

OP posts: