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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be raging they have said this to DS

29 replies

hangryandhormonal · 14/10/2019 16:10

I have a DS with ex partner - regular contact, we are mostly amicable. Each year I meet with ex partner's girlfriend (most communication is through her, don't ask me why!) and we sort Christmas. We have alternated Christmas Eve for the past few years. We've not sorted this Christmas yet. This year DS should be at home with me as he stayed with Dad last year.

DS is 4, he came bounding in from his dads asking if he could stay with them at Christmas "please say yes" I asked why he was asking that and he said he was told to ask by the girlfriend.

AIBU or is that really , really manipulative? I'm furious that they have put me on the spot like that - DS is only 4 but he doesn't forget a bloody thing and I know he will mention it again. I purposely haven't mentioned any Christmas plans so as not to get him excited until we'd agreed where he would be and when.

Girlfriend denied it was her and said it was ex partner and a relative, I apologised for going through her to vent my frustration but she is my only line of contact - she then got defensive so I just said lets discuss when we meet to talk through the plans.

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Foxzy · 14/10/2019 16:17

I feel Christmas is more than one day, so by asking to spend Christmas with his dad did he mean Christmas Day? Can you work out how you're going to split it and let DS know he's spending some of his Christmas with you and some with his dad?

We split Christmas Day itself half way through we swap over. I'm the step mum though not the mum.

Original poster
hangryandhormonal · 14/10/2019 16:20

He meant Christmas Eve I think as he went on to explain that he could see his toys there and "then come back here" and the girlfriend mentioned over text that he was saying he couldn't wait to come downstairs like last year and she told him she didn't know where he would be staying yet - she should have been saying you'll be at mummy's house and we will see you later as she knows it's his year to stay at home Christmas Eve - instead of filling him with false hope.

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Original poster
hangryandhormonal · 14/10/2019 16:21

We've managed to sort it so easily in the past I just feel as though this is very underhand putting it in his mind before it's been discussed.

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Dutch1e · 14/10/2019 16:24

If communication has been smooth before I'd probably take her at her word. Seems plausible that a relative brought up Christmas and ex + partner demurred with something like "oh we'd have to ask your mum" which then translates in a 4 yr old mind to "I have to ask Mum."

Foxzy · 14/10/2019 16:28

Don't think the worst of her. It could have been a very genuine conversation. If it's always been amicable don't make it anything else. Certainly don't 'rage' over it, it's Christmas, there'll be another.

81Byerley · 14/10/2019 16:33

Father Christmas came twice to some children I know, who were in this position! Christmas Eve he came to them at their Dad's, then the night of Boxing Day/27th he came to their Mum's house!

Madhatterhouse · 14/10/2019 16:34

Could she have just been put in the spot and said “you’ll have to ask mummy” rather than it being manipulative? Not ideal but I can see it happening.

DarlingNikita · 14/10/2019 16:40

TBH I'm a bit confused by 'I purposely haven't mentioned any Christmas plans so as not to get him excited until we'd agreed where he would be and when.' followed by 'she should have been saying you'll be at mummy's house and we will see you later as she knows it's his year to stay at home Christmas Eve'. Have you all agreed what this year's plans
are or haven't you?

Original poster
hangryandhormonal · 14/10/2019 16:55

@DarlingNikita we agreed the first time we had to sort Christmas out that we would alternate where he stays on Christmas Eve unless something came up eg a holiday etc. If something has come up for them which means they want him again this year they should be speaking to me about it not him, shouldn’t they?

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BeanBag7 · 14/10/2019 16:57

Could she have just been put in the spot and said “you’ll have to ask mummy” rather than it being manipulative?
I think this is most likely and very easily misinterpreted by a 4 year old.
If you've always managed fine I don't think they would suddenly start going down the route of "ooh we want you to stay for Christmas but mummy says no, so you need to keep asking her"

DarlingNikita · 14/10/2019 16:57

If something has come up for them which means they want him again this year they should be speaking to me about it not him, shouldn’t they
Yes; but it sounded like you had agreed when you said 'she knows it's his year to stay at home Christmas Eve'.

Anyway, never mind.

yawnhedehihi · 14/10/2019 16:59

I wouldn't be communicating with her if you get on with your ex.

myidentitymycrisis · 14/10/2019 17:14

Is it possible that last year as he was 3 would have been the first time he really understood and remembers the excitement of Christmas morning and associates it with being at Dad's.

It's probably a misunderstanding and if things have been amicable so far I would try and keep it that way.

Neves7 · 14/10/2019 17:14

Being four he likely only really remembers last Christmas so just assumed it would be the same again. It could be that they wanted to make sure he knew that they still wanted to be with him for Christmas but they should have reassured him that he would be opening presents at his mums house this year.

Original poster
hangryandhormonal · 14/10/2019 17:20

I think it’s just the way he came home so excited like it had been ”bigged up” to him rather than explaining that we alternate (in a way he would understand) the “please say yes” bit made me feel a bit shit in all honesty.

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ThatMuppetShow · 14/10/2019 17:20

Could she have just been put in the spot and said “you’ll have to ask mummy” rather than it being manipulative?

sounds like it, it really is too early to get annoyed!

Original poster
hangryandhormonal · 14/10/2019 17:24

I can see where you are all coming from with that - it doesn’t help that I know ex can be a bit manipulative so I’ve reacted to it

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CornishCreation · 14/10/2019 17:26

Why is most of your communication through her? He's you and your ex's son nothing to do with her, if you want to discuss when he'll see his dad over Xmas discuss it with his dad.

PotatoesDieInHotCars · 14/10/2019 17:27

Why have you not mentioned the arrangements to him before this? Maybe she didn't think it was her place. Maybe she thought if he came home to you upset and said she said he couldn't stay over for Christmas you'd be annoyed at her for upsetting him.

Original poster
hangryandhormonal · 14/10/2019 17:33

@CornishCreation I’ve asked the question many a time, it’s his preference apparently, though he is perfectly amicable on the odd occasion I see him, as am I. I wonder sometimes if she likes to know what is going on but I’ll never know for sure.

@PotatoesDieInHotCars I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t feel like this, she’s been in his life since he was born she treats him as her own.

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fallfallfall · 14/10/2019 17:38

I don’t understand why you would be raging?
Little kid comes home excited, shouldn’t you’re heart be jumping seeing his smiling face?
Talk of Christmas starts in July, or in your case a year or more back. Either be flexible or remind everyone of the set agreement. Nothing to even get annoyed at.
Sounds like you’re a tad envious over their relationships.

Witchend · 14/10/2019 17:38

At that age, they can't remember much beyond a year ago, so probably he's just assuming it will be the same as last year.

Just say to him: "You're a really lucky boy, because you get to have Christmas with daddy one year, then me the next. Isn't that exciting? You were with daddy last year, so it's our turn to have a special time. Now let's plan.
Do you think we should leave milk or lemonade out for Father Christmas in our house?"
Get him excited about the traditions that will be yours. That you'll decorate the cake on Christmas eve, or where he'll put his stocking.
If you sound excited and planning, then he'll get excited about being at yours for Christmas.

SaveMeBarry · 14/10/2019 17:40

Is it possible that last year as he was 3 would have been the first time he really understood and remembers the excitement of Christmas morning and associates it with being at Dad's

I think myidentity is probably right. It's quite possible he thinks Christmas only happens at his dads, hence "please say yes" rather than anyone trying to manipulate the situation. At 4 it's probably time you explained to him that one year it's at dads, the next at home with you but that it's fun and exciting and FC will come to whichever house he's at (if you do FC).

fallfallfall · 14/10/2019 17:49

Surely he gets two christmases anyway doesn’t he?

Original poster
hangryandhormonal · 14/10/2019 17:53

@fallfallfall I have a wonderful relationship with my son I would never need to be envious of anyone else - I just want to see his joy on Christmas morning at my house too, alternating is the only way to keep it fair.

The girlfriend admitted that ex and the relative were talking about it and she “told them the exact same” when I said it shouldn’t have been discussed with DS before me - so she agreed then got defensive. It’ll all be cleared up when we meet this week anyway.

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