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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At finding bloody pipe and tobacco 'hidden' by dh who's 'stopped' smoking?

31 replies

walbert · 10/08/2007 23:36

For feck's sake!! Dh smoked when i met him, then eventually stopped (i say eventually coz i kept finding crafty lighters, cig packets etc), now bearing in mind dh not exactly a gymnast, family history of fatal (poss smoking related) fatal cancers, aslo recently went to funeral of family friend who died of cancer, added responsibility to our family unit now he is a dad, can you understyand why, when i found a new pipe (??) and tin of tobacco, i flipped? Dh insists you don't inhale tobacco when use pipe so it's not really bad for you???? Eh??? Am sick of talking a to a brick wall about this and then dh having a paddy at me because of bringing it up, but he's bloody smoking and i don't really fancy him popping his clogs on me yet!" But if he carries on....

OP posts:
Tigana · 10/08/2007 23:39

A pipe...would be
1 - highrisk ofmouth/throat cancer
2 - fear he may purchase tweed hat and walking stick

BBBee · 10/08/2007 23:39

shame but there is not much you can do - ranting, reasoning - nothing seems to hit home. He needs to decide for hiumself to stop.

Horrible I know but is pretty much out of your hands.

moondog · 10/08/2007 23:40

lol at Tigana

May well take to pontificating in Daily Mail fashion to boot..
How old is he?

My dh keeps muttering about a pipe although he has never smoked.I would leave him obv.

Califrau · 10/08/2007 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madamez · 10/08/2007 23:42

There isn't anything you can do and it isn't exactly your business. You are entitled to insist that he doesn't smoke in the house or in the presence of DCs, but that's it. He will stop when he wants to stop (and trying to give up smoking because you're being nagged or bullied or emotionally blackmailed into doing so doesn't work, you just end up smoking more out of sheer resentment).

Original poster
walbert · 10/08/2007 23:42

Tweed hat very worrying: but if he carries on he can have a tweed hat, a pair of walking bots and knack off! Does any me that i can't make him stop purely because of health implications, esp when he says to dd he's going to be healthy for her... Grrr

OP posts:
Original poster
walbert · 10/08/2007 23:45

While i think, even as a couple, you have your own lives, as smoking definately does my dh no favours health wise because of his curent lifestyle and family health history, I do feel that on this subject i'm right to make it my business becauise i think there is a very real threat to his health, and frankly i don't want to pretend i don't care that there could be a much increased chance that i could be minus a dh, abd dd minus her dad, a point qwe have 'discussed' (and to which dh agrees) many times.

OP posts:
helenhismadwife · 12/08/2007 13:04

I would probably have not even mentioned the fact I had found it and chucked it in the bin, if he had then said anything you could have said oh I thought it was an old one and you had given up smoking

kyala · 13/08/2007 22:18

"dh having a paddy at me because of bringing it up"- so, don't bring it up, just flush it down the toilet, and do weekly checks for him, that way no arguements!!

You've made your worries clear and there's not a lot more you can say!
Actions speak louder than words!

I'm having trouble at the moment holding my tongue with DH about him starting smoking again (I asked him to go and stay somewhere else so I could have some time to myself and he broke and bought cigarettes) anyway, he's agreed that he's got to stop before LO is born, 4 weeks and counting, and is just not going to buy any more once he finishes this lot, but I am going to go throguh his bag/car/trousers etc when he gets home from work until I'm convinced he's deff stopped (discretely, of course!!)

whiskeyandbeer · 14/08/2007 10:31

i understand the concerns people have over their partners smoking, but they are grown men for godsakes.surely they can make their own decisions on this matter.
and i appreciate the health concerns but how would you react if your partner tried to ban you from drinking alcohol or fast food both of which have negative impacts on your health? would you accept such controlling behaviour from them over your choices?

CharleeWeasley · 14/08/2007 10:33

I would be so, so angry with DP if he did this but then again i have a very strong feeling about smoking full stop, if it bothers you that much you have to tell him once and for all you wont have him smoking.

FioFio · 14/08/2007 10:34

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CharleeWeasley · 14/08/2007 10:36

Tell him you wont kiss/hug him ect becuase he stinks of filthy smoke.

pinkum · 14/08/2007 10:36

i found out my patner had started smoking again as he felt sorry for himself and i was so cross. i ragged on him till he gave up. pipes are totaly rank anyway. dont put up with it.

harleyd · 14/08/2007 10:37

you cant stop someone smoking though. they have to want to stop

Cappuccino · 14/08/2007 10:37

if he doesn't want to stop there's not a lot you can do

speaking as an ex-smoker married to an ex-smoker

the time has to be right for him

having said that though it is absolute trollop what he says about pipes

and he will look like a twat with one

CharleeWeasley · 14/08/2007 10:38

Surley if it is threatening his relationship it would make him want to stop?

expatinscotland · 14/08/2007 10:41

I used to smoke a pack/day. Now, it's usually one or two times a year I'll have a few fags whilst out on the razz - pretty rare.

But if I had a partner or spouse who nagged me ad nauseum about it when they knew damn well I was a smoker when they married me, you can better believe all it would make me want to do is smoke.

harleyd · 14/08/2007 10:44

dh has never smoked, he doesnt like me smoking but he doesnt nag because he knows it would make me all the more determined to keep it up

whiskeyandbeer · 14/08/2007 10:44

"Surley if it is threatening his relationship it would make him want to stop? "

but on the same note would you accept a partner being that manipulative.i mean you could use that over any little argument or problem then and just say "if i meant anything to you you'd stop/do things my way"
especially when the op says he smoked when he met her. fair enough if you have certain things you won't accept in a relationship then you say it at the start and no one gets hurt.so if the op was so dead set against being with a smoker she should not have started a relationship with one. but if you try to move the goal posts or expect your partner to change later on down the road i don't think they are really to blame if they don't.

IcingOnTheCake · 14/08/2007 10:46

I don't think YABU to be concerned about his health but i do think YABU to expect him to give up smoking when he clearly doesn't want to. He was a smoker when you met him so you knew he was a smoker when you decided to go out with him. Personally, if i hated the thought of someone smoking then i wouldn't have gone out with a smoker in the first place.

If he doesn't want to stop then there is really not alot you can do about it because he won't stop unless he really wants to. You have every right to ban him from smoking in the house and around the children but it is his choice to smoke else where.

CharleeWeasley · 14/08/2007 10:46

God point Whiskeyandbeer.

If it is upsetting you that much though you have to make a stand and say that 'what your doing is really getting to me' sort of thing but i do understand where your coming from.

expatinscotland · 14/08/2007 10:46

Spot on whiskeyandbeer.

expatinscotland · 14/08/2007 10:48

And Icing brings up a great point.

My MIL's dad died of emphysema when she was 21. It was a slow, painful death.

As a result, she hates smoking. She's never touched a fag and can't stand them.

When she met my FIL, he was a smoker. He was besotted with her, and she liked him, but she told him flat out she wouldn't even go on a date with him because he smoked.

So he gave up.

That was 32 years ago and he's never looked back.

FioFio · 14/08/2007 10:51

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