At finding bloody pipe and tobacco 'hidden' by dh who's 'stopped' smoking?

[walbert]

For feck's sake!! Dh smoked when i met him, then eventually stopped (i say eventually coz i kept finding crafty lighters, cig packets etc), now bearing in mind dh not exactly a gymnast, family history of fatal (poss smoking related) fatal cancers, aslo recently went to funeral of family friend who died of cancer, added responsibility to our family unit now he is a dad, can you understyand why, when i found a new pipe (??) and tin of tobacco, i flipped? Dh insists you don't inhale tobacco when use pipe so it's not really bad for you???? Eh??? Am sick of talking a to a brick wall about this and then dh having a paddy at me because of bringing it up, but he's bloody smoking and i don't really fancy him popping his clogs on me yet!" But if he carries on....

exactly, and thats fine what your MIL did in my opinion. because there was no manipulation,there was no history or investment used as leverage. it was a flat out condition at the start of the relationship. and i don't think it matters what the condition is (even something ludicrus etc) as you have to look out for yourself at the start of a relationship.so if their is a point of contention that is an absolute deal breaker for you, once it is made clear at the start of a relationship then it is completely up to the other person and they now own the decision.rather than silently putting up with their "fault" but thinking you can slowly nag them out of it or change them.

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As he smoked when you met then I think you are being unreasonable. DH and I both smoked when we met, I gave up about 6 months after we met, DH still smokes now, although says he is going to try and give up after we have been on holiday. As a grown man he has to decide whether smoking is worth the risk to his health. I'm not surprised that he hides it from you if you are constantly nagging him about it.

Smoking is such a strong addiction, and unfortunately your DH isn't going to rid himself of the addiction 'for you'. It's a cliche and has already been said on this thread, but until he wants to give up - until such a time as he he finally wakes up to the fact that smoking is expensive, disgusting, makes him stink and will likely kill him- he won't give up. The best you can do is insist he doesn't smoke around you or your children, tell him clearly that you hate him smoking and thet it scares you to think of him dying an early, painful death because of it, and make it clear that there is no point in him secretly smoking - he is only lying to himself, as he's either a smoker or he's not.

Perhaps you could also get him some info on local smoking cessation clinics or buy him that Allen Carr book (my bible - helped me kick my 15 yr 20-a-day habit) - but you can only offer him access to the information that may help him give up. You can't force a horse to drink water etc etc.

I say all this with the benefit of personal experience of your husband's situation. My non-smoking husband met me as a smoker. He never liked me smoking, but as our relationship progressed, we moved in together and started a family the situation became more and more desperate. I was constantly giving up for short periods because my husband made me feel so awful, but then eventually starting again in secret. He would then find out and be angry and upset and I would feel stressed out and start smoking loads again in defiance. it became a really damaging pattern - damaging for me and damaging for my relationship. Eventualy I was so filled with self hatred (most smokers know that emotion oh so well!) I started to feel angry - angry that smoking had such a hold over me and could threaten my happy relationship. Something inside of me just snapped and that was that - I havent smoked since (4 months now) and truly believe I will never smoke again. Your husband just has to find his moment of truth - and hopefully it will be sooner rather than later.

(Also, pipe smoking certainly can cause cancer - I have two pipe smoking relatives who died from mouth cancer - a terrible, hideous type of cancer to boot, not that any cancer is much fun)

Good luck xx

p.s. you aren't being unreasonable! I sympathise with you.

I LOTHE smoking and certainly wouldn't go out with anyone who smoked. My DH didn't smoke but is a recovering alcoholic and, like most people in that situation, now smokes. He doesn't smoke in the house but I still hate it. It has certainly affected our sex life - we don't have any! Strange thing is he can, and does, stop smoking for a short time - like when we are holiday - but once we are home he gets straight back to familiar habits. I hope and pray he will find a time that he can give up but I absolutely agree that you can't make anyone else give up cigarettes (or alcohol) or anything. My DH says that cigarettes are probably the hardest thing to give up and obviously an addict has to have something they are addicted to! Maybe next time he can get addicted to chocolate . Seriously though, some addicts are really addicted to diet coke or mints. It worries me sick that, having got his life back, he could now get sick from smoking! The AA prayers says we must "accept the things we cannot change" and, I suspect, someone's else smoking habit probably would go in that category.