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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop ex seeing Ds at my house?

41 replies

GirlOnIt · 10/09/2019 18:25

Ds is almost a year old and currently stays with ex one night over the weekend and ex sees him at mine 2/3 nights a week. He does bath/bedtime etc.

I split with ex because he was becoming increasingly controlling. Despite which for the most part we were getting on ok, I’m pregnant too and again he was mostly being supportive. Recently though I’m finding him increasingly difficult (I’ve posted some stuff on here about him). He switches between being lovely and supportive to being horrible and abusive.
I’m honestly exhausted by him and decided after this weekend that I really need to reduce contact with him as much as possible.

I want to stop him coming to visit Ds through the week at my house. He struggles having Ds overnight and he’s not been settling so I’m not sure I want him having him a extra overnight, but I’d consider it oe he could take him out for a few hours and return him for bedtime.

He won’t be happy with it, I know that. But would I be unreasonable doing so? I know we’d need to look at things again when the baby arrives but I just think a bit of a break from seeing him would be really good for me.

I also think he’ll retaliate with reducing his financial contribution, he is more than fair in that regard. I still think it would be worth it though to just not have to deal with him in my house at least twice a week.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 10/09/2019 18:28

Tough shit what he thinks. Take him to court if you have to. I would not have anyone like this in my house.

MyHeartIsInCornwall · 10/09/2019 18:29

I don’t think your being unreasonable, especially given the circumstances. The living arrangements have changed and having to accommodate him being there so much, means you can’t establish a boundary. I would definitely change terms now, before baby arrives.

MyHeartIsInCornwall · 10/09/2019 18:29

*you’re

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 10/09/2019 18:30

Just to add, we started this arrangement to help with Ds settling with his dad. And because ex doesn’t have enough time from finishing work to take Ds to his and bring him back. But more often than not he’s here as early as 5, so he would have time. He does play with Ds, bath him and everything and he’s very good with him.
But it’s a real struggle to get him out of the house once Ds is in bed.

OP posts:
ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 10/09/2019 18:32

Totally reasonable not to “host” contact. And much safer to meet in a neutral spot for handovers. I’d be getting a more formal arrangement in place now. Especially given a background of abuse / controlling behaviour.
Flowers for you OP, none of this can be easy for you.

littlepaddypaws · 10/09/2019 18:34

i would have to rethink the idea of him coming into my home if i was you and put a stop to it. not wanting to leave is controlling you in your own home. not on.

SpinneyHill · 10/09/2019 18:36

He's using this to control you, he has no right to be in someone else's house even if his son lives there.
For DS to settle with dad, he needs to spend time with dad that is why he sees him so often (allegedly), his time with his unsettled son is HIS issue not yours.

This is dragging out the process and nobody except him is benefitting.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 10/09/2019 18:49

I know it's to have some control over me, everything he does is about that. But Ds does seem to benefit from seeing him more often and in his own home. That's the reason I've kept going with it.

But there comes a point that my own well-being as to matter too, doesn't it?

He was supposed to come tonight but I've told him me and Ds aren't well so we're staying at my mums. It's been a really hard day at work and I honestly just couldn't face dealing with him tonight, even if I got super nice him.

To be clear, he's never been physically abusive and I'm not scared he will be. It would almost make it easier if he were, because I'd definitely stop contact at my house then. He's subtle with his control and I know most people who know us both wouldn't believe it if him. I guess that's why I worry about 'stopping him seeing Ds'.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 10/09/2019 18:50

Would it still be fair if it meant him only seeing Ds one day/night a week?

OP posts:
eladen · 10/09/2019 18:58

Not unreasonable. And his type of non-physical abuse is recognised as being as damaging if not more so than a physical assault. Hence why it is a criminal offence carrying a prison sentence.

The only way you can protect your child from suffering long term effects of the abuse (and he will suffer as a result of you being abused even if not yet directly targeted) is to protect yourself.

Do what you need to do to break his control. It is in your best interests and you child's best interests.

He switches between being lovely and supportive to being horrible and abusive.

You do understand that the "lovely" part of this pattern is central to his abuse and attempts to control you? It's not some kind of break from being abusive, it's part of his coercive control.

Ever take a paperclip and folded it in half one way, then back the opposite way, then back again until eventually the metal weakens so much it snaps? Whereas if you just bend it in half one way and hold it there it's really hard to snap it?

That's what he's doing to you. Don't let him anymore.

eladen · 10/09/2019 19:04

Yes it would still be fair.

He's abusing you. Why are you worried about your fairness towards him when he's not worried about you? Abusing the mother of his child - and using that child as a tool to maintain control over its mother - is hardly fair. Or good parenting.

If he wasn't abusive/controlling you wouldn't need to take protective steps. He's stopping himself from being able to see his son by being abusive. Not you.

It would be unfair to your son to allow yourself to be damaged and abused.

eladen · 10/09/2019 19:05

Have you done the Freedom Programme? Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 10/09/2019 19:52

Oh I know his 'lovely' is also him trying to control me @eladen. I'm sure it's why he's so reasonable with money, because he thinks it will make me less likely to rock the boat, so to speak.
I'm usually quite confident and strong enough that I can deal with it though and sometimes even use it to my own advantage.
At the moment I'm exhausted though and pregnancy hormones aren't helping.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 10/09/2019 19:53

I'm very familiar with it @eladen.

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 10/09/2019 20:03

Yanbu to not have contact in your own home .

I am not quite clear what you are proposing? Are you offering 2 nights each weekend as I would be very careful as you will end up with no weekends and think foreword to how reasonable he will be when she starts school to alter.

Could he have one evening collect from nursery , his for tea and return to you for bed

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 10/09/2019 20:15

Well done for taking back control.

If ex doesn't have enough time after work to take DS to his house and bring him back then he needs to change his working patterns to fit in time with his son. It's his responsibility to ensure there's enough time.

Regarding the financial side of things - have you started legal proceeding or looked into child maintenance formally?

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 10/09/2019 20:34

No I'm not wanting him to have two nights every weekend @Starlight456. We'll hopefully move to eow at some point but for now one weekend night amber I'd consider one week night either overnight or bring him back for bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 10/09/2019 20:37

That's what I think he's going to throw at me @MyMushroomsInATimeSlip. That he works so he can still support Dc and if he reduces so he can see him, he'll have to reduce money. I'm ok with that though.

We still haven't sorted the house, he's said he'll wait until I'm back at work after mat leave so I'm looking at this time next year. I know that's not ideal. But if he gets funny about the house I'll move in with my mum as he doesn't want that! He gives me more than cms so we've no formal arrangement.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 10/09/2019 20:38

Yanbu. How is he difficult to get out of the house once dc is in bed? What is his excuse for not leaving immediately?

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 10/09/2019 20:39

He still pays half the mortgage as well as maintenance. I can afford it all if need be though, it will be tight but I'd manage.

OP posts:
SpinneyHill · 10/09/2019 20:43

But Ds does seem to benefit from seeing him more often and in his own home

OP what this translates too is "DS is being tricked into thinking Mummy and Daddy spend time together in the house so he still has to go through the realisation and acceptance that Daddy no longer lives there"

Thats not fair on him.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 10/09/2019 20:45

It varies @Cherrysoup. Sometimes he wants to talk about ds or the baby, sometimes the house or money, sometimes he offers to do jobs or check something, it's still legally his house too, so it's difficult.
The other day he started washing up to 'help me' because I looked tired and I should be resting for the baby's sake.

It sounds silly, oh I'm annoyed he was washing up. But he's not living here, I'll do my own washing up or I'll leave it if I want it's up to me.

OP posts:
StressyDressyHeels · 10/09/2019 20:48

Is the baby his?

YANBU, you both need to move on. But I think the dynamics are a bit awkward if you’re expecting his child.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 10/09/2019 20:49

When he's with Ds I stay out of the way @SpinneyHill. So I'm not 'there' when he baths him etc.
By Ds benefiting I mean he's settling easier for his dad now, he wouldn't at first he just wanted me.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 10/09/2019 20:51

Yes definitely @StressyDressyHeels. There will be just over a year between them, I haven't moved on that quickly! Shock

OP posts:
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