To stop ex seeing Ds at my house?

[GirlOnIt]

Ds is almost a year old and currently stays with ex one night over the weekend and ex sees him at mine 2/3 nights a week. He does bath/bedtime etc.

I split with ex because he was becoming increasingly controlling. Despite which for the most part we were getting on ok, I’m pregnant too and again he was mostly being supportive. Recently though I’m finding him increasingly difficult (I’ve posted some stuff on here about him). He switches between being lovely and supportive to being horrible and abusive.
I’m honestly exhausted by him and decided after this weekend that I really need to reduce contact with him as much as possible.

I want to stop him coming to visit Ds through the week at my house. He struggles having Ds overnight and he’s not been settling so I’m not sure I want him having him a extra overnight, but I’d consider it oe he could take him out for a few hours and return him for bedtime.

He won’t be happy with it, I know that. But would I be unreasonable doing so? I know we’d need to look at things again when the baby arrives but I just think a bit of a break from seeing him would be really good for me.

I also think he’ll retaliate with reducing his financial contribution, he is more than fair in that regard. I still think it would be worth it though to just not have to deal with him in my house at least twice a week.

DDs dad was a crappy boyfriend but has turned into a good dad and she has a good relationship with him.

He did not move to the area until she was 1, so only saw her infrequently during the first year. We tried an arrangement similar to yours but it didn’t work and we went to court. We spent sometime using a contact centre, to build up their relationship. Moved from the contact centre to a soft play centre and over the space of about a year moved from 1 hr 2 x a week to 6 hours 2 x a week and him taking her out. Overnights did not begin until she was 4, she has never been keen on them and now she is 10 if he has her two days in a row he brings her back and picks her as that is what she prefers.

It took several years for our contact situation to settle and for his controlling behaviours to decrease, however this has in no way impacted on their relationship. So no, stopping contact in your home is not unreasonable or unfair. Your DS will adapt and it will be a much healthier dynamic than the one you currently have.

Thank you @Singleandproud that's reassuring to read. I hope things work out similar with my ex, eventually.

I'm not sure how I'm going to tell him yet. But his mum, said I can drop Ds at hers one evening and ex can see him there or not, his choice.

Definitely a control thing. Can you usher him out as soon as he’s dealt with ds?

Using his mum sounds like a good idea.

Don't fool yourself that his controlling tendencies are only special for you. Controlling parents can be utterly vile once children start having proper opinions and start challenging the parent. I'd say make DS available for contact, do not allow it to be in your house, but don't push DS and his dad together. Let dad do the leg work. If he is genuinely interested in being a good dad then seeing DS elsewhere will be no bother and he would even see it as a step to settling better away from you.

If he sees DS as a tool to control you then the sooner you stop that working the better, even if he loses interest in DS.

Send him an email saying you think contact at your place is not helping DS transition to seeing his dad in other settings and may even be hindering it.

Or tell him the time has come to move to the next stage. DS seeing his dad at your place has helped with the first stage and now it is time for the visits to happen elsewhere.

Let him negotiate with his mum. Don't take on solving his location problem for him.

I expect he believes you will let him back when you've "calmed down". It does read like he does not believe it is permanent.

I do try @Cherrysoup. But he just doesn't go. I stood with the door open for 10 minutes one and even said "ok, you need to go now"!

I'm going to go that way @TowelNumber42. And say that I think we need to move to him having him alone more now.
Yes, he definitely thinks I'm going to change my mind and let him back home. I think he's hoping when the new baby arrives I'll give in.

I don't think he'd be controlling with the Dc though, I know a lot of people say the same thorough. But he's not particularly controlling in general, it's difficult to explain.

I would normally say yes tell him he can’t come to yours any more but when you have the baby will he be coming round to yours or taking the baby out? I’m just wondering if you’re going to end up in the same arrangement again then is it worth it and should you plan a new way of doing things when the baby is born.
I’m not surprised your DS isn’t settling with him in a way as I think you’re giving him mixed messages by sometimes his dad putting him to bed at home with mum then once a week by himself at his. If you gave him 2 nights a week and none at yours he’d probably settle better

I'm not sure what we'll do when dd arrives @user1493413286. But him coming to put Ds to bed has helped with him settling with him, he's got better since he's been seeing him through the week more.
Hence why I feel so bad about stopping it.

Really don't think Ds will cope with two nights in a row and ex originally said he couldn't do mid week over nights, he starts work quite early.
I'll have to speak to him properly, but that in it's self is difficult.

He messaged me earlier asking if he can come put ds to bed tonight. I’ve replied that he can (my mum will be here too, but I haven’t mentioned that), but that I think it’s time we move away from him visiting at my house and try something else. He replied a few hours later with; no, I’m not on with that.

no, I’m not on with that

He really doesn't get it, does he?

He prob thinks as he pays part of the mortgage he is entitled to be in the house. Expect that money to stop if you don’t let him in. Hope you can manage financially.

Sounds a good idea to have your mum with you. And to have him see his child when at his mum’s.

He won’t like having his plans thwarted. Prepare for serious verbal and financial backlash if he doesn’t get his way.

Sorry you re going through this, you deserve better.

No he really doesn't @Grambler. I meant ok not on, he's not ok with it.

I'm expecting something along those lines @Elieza. He's been to see Ds but didn't say anything with my mum here. He just said we'll talk later.

You can say no too.

Note how his message was very short.

I expect he expects you to do a lot of explaining, persuading, pleading when you talk later. He will continue saying no until you cave in.

You can be the same. Say almost nothing. Have a set statement "You won't be doing bedtimes here any more."

Don't justify anything. It is obvious. He will pretend it isn't. So? It matters not one jot if he disagrees with you. He still has contact just not at your house. You don't have to have his agreement so you don't have to explain or plead.

Note the lack of telling him what he has to do instead of coming to you. "I'm sure you'll work something out" is your go to phrase.

That assumes he does not have the legal right to just come into the house whenever he wants. Better check that.

He replied a few hours later with; no, I’m not on with that
Your response should be: "My decision is made. I will have DC ready for you at X time and I expect you to facilitate that contact outside of my home"

Of course he's going to run rings around you.
So you give one last warrning - behave or it will have to go to court.
If he carries on then you stop all contact and let him go and arrange formal contact through the courts.
Contact CMS and apply for maintenance for your dc.

There's no point trying to be reasonable and fair with people like him.
They don't play fair and they're only bothered about keeping you under their thumb.