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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want this 'help' when we move house.

27 replies

AveAtqueVale · 25/08/2019 20:44

We're due to move next month and both my DM and MIL are very eager to 'help' on moving day - I don't think I can stand it.

Last time we moved they both tipped up - Mum spent the entire time sitting on the camping chair she'd brought, drinking coffee and countermanding any instructions I gave anyone about where to put items of furniture as she thought she had better ideas. Oh and telling me off that I hadn't packed the way she would have.

MIL did actually unpack but gave a running commentary on everything 'ooh gosh you've got Emma Bridgewater mugs, I've always thought they're ridiculously expensive... I can't believe you bothered to bring this thing from the last house, it's falling to bits... why on earth do you need TWO corkscrews?!...' and shoved things away in cupboards at random which meant it took me ages to find everything afterwards. She also insisted on unpacking my books and putting them into the bookcases all out of order despite me begging her not to and saying it was something I really wanted to do myself, and then went and unpacked all our clothes including underwear etc.

She definitely intended to be helpful but somebody going through all my things like that makes me want to scream. I was very heavily pregnant last time and couldn't actually do much myself as I wasn't well with it, so felt I couldn't turn down them helping. But frankly both of them actually just made an already stressful day ten times worse, and I can already feel my blood pressure rising at the thought of a repeat. DH thinks I'm being precious and we should just let them come and do a bit to get it out of their systems. AIBU? And if I'm not how do I tell them not to come??

OP posts:
mygrandchildrenrock · 25/08/2019 20:46

Don’t tell them the moving day, or tell them it’s a couple of days later. Then do all your own unpacking and invite them round for a cuppa!

tenredthings · 25/08/2019 20:47

Just get the date wrong so they turn up a day late !

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 25/08/2019 20:50

You’re clearly too nice for your own good - I’d tell them they gave you more extra work than helped last time so thanks but no thanks.

Original poster
AveAtqueVale · 25/08/2019 20:50

Unfortunately we need to stay the night at my Mum's house so she already knows the date. And will undoubtedly tell MIL in one of their regular 'I know more than you do' one-upping phone calls. For two people who separately claim not to be able to stand each other they don't half communicate a lot Hmm.

OP posts:
Atlasta · 25/08/2019 20:52

If you have young children could you ask one of them to look after DC and take them out for the day?
The other you could leave at the old house for some reason or another? Waiting for a parcel that hadn't been delivered or some such nonsense?

Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2019 20:52

You tell them not to come by telling them "don't come." Tell them you appreciate the offer, but you want to sort things yourself. Be firm, don't wobble under pressure and don't tell them the date of the move.

Cherrysoup · 25/08/2019 20:52

Be firm, tell them no. This would drive me nuts.

Catanddogmake6 · 25/08/2019 20:53

How about saying that the removal men are taking care of everything (whether they are or not). Most pack anyway so it might even be worth the money if it keeps them away and you can be deliberately vague about the unpacking. Alternatively how about many spurious “urgent” errands. Going to the estate agents to take and collect the keys. Urgent items required from
B&Q. I’d even consider sabotaging the kettle and sending them out for a new one.

Vgbeat · 25/08/2019 20:54

For two people who separately claim not to be able to stand each other they don't half communicate a lot hmm.

Sorry this bit really made me smile 😂 you know what they say about keeping enemies close. It's nice they both want to help when we moved recently mil was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps give them specific jobs.

negomi90 · 25/08/2019 20:55

You've had a baby (as you were pregnant the last time you moved)?
If so, put that baby/child to work.
I know how worried you are that they'll get underfoot/breaksomething/be bored (all of the above, plus other excuses).
Would they both be so amazing and helpful and work together to ensure that the little one has a really fun day away from the heavy lifting - lay it on thick with the compliments.
They feel like they're doing something, you don't have them underfoot, your child has a fun day. Everyone wins.

Beesandcheese · 25/08/2019 20:56

Send them out on an emergency quest for something only available in a distant store. I realise that's a pain in the arse to organise when you're moving but I just couldn't hack someone ignoring my organisation efforts so carelessly. Yanbu

cakeandchampagne · 25/08/2019 20:56

Just tell them you appreciated the moving help last time, when you were pregnant. And this time, you don’t need the help. Invite them to visit for a specific time the day after.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 25/08/2019 20:58

negomi’is right - give them your child. Have a day each or something.

Almostfifty · 25/08/2019 21:02

Tell them the company are packing for you.

Madamswearsalot · 25/08/2019 21:03

Tell them that you've paid for movers and they are doing the whole thing - packing, moving and then unpacking. So you really don't need any extra help.

Or, you could redirect them to clean the old house? I had a friend that always got her mum to stay at the old house (she moved quite often) to do the final clear and clean. They can one-up each other with a cloth and cleaning spray in their hands.

My only other thought is if you absolutely can't avoid them 'helping' then be super organised and have a list of tasks already set - don't give them chance to park their behind in a chair or rifle through your book. Give them orders and don't stick around to be contradicted. Pop by every so often to say a 'how are we doing? moving a bit slow?' to motivate!

Span1elsRock · 25/08/2019 21:06

Stuff offending them. Just say No thanks, we can manage ourselves.

We moved house and ended up with all the family here "helping" which basically involved asking me question after question. I've never been so stressed in my life and it really wasn't helpful at all.

PickAChew · 25/08/2019 21:09

MIL liked to "help"

Nah, we'll be fine, thanks soon rolled off my tongue pretty effortlessly.

BEDinhalfanhour · 25/08/2019 21:09

Air BnB somewhere nice, the night before.

Tell no-one.

cabingirl · 25/08/2019 21:21
  1. Tell them the truth: Their help didn't work for you last time and you don't want them there this time
  1. Tell them a white lie: We need help cleaning the old house, we need childcare away from the new house unpacking, the wrong date, the movers' insurance says you can't be there
  1. Distract them: Please take the baby to a playdate for us, please help with getting the old house ready to hand over, please help by organising this box of knickknacks in your house the day of the move,
gilliansgardenbench · 25/08/2019 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JudgeRindersMinder · 25/08/2019 21:22

Send one out for tartan paint and the other for a long stand, both essential for your new house

greenlynx · 25/08/2019 21:25

I can’t stand anyone’s help with packing/unpacking. We moved recently and a friend offered to help a bit and I knew that she would be very efficient and helpful with this but I couldn’t stand the idea of someone going through my things. As to Mum and MIL both helping with moving.....it’s a recipe for disaster imo.
I would tell them the truth - removal company will be handling the big stuff and you prefer to pack other things by herself to make unpacking easier. You could also tell them that you are going to use this as an opportunity to go through things and to sort them out quietly. Tell them also that you do need their help to take DC somewhere out of the house a few weekends before moving, on the day of moving and the day after moving. Then divide days between them.
Your DH is wrong. It’s very confusing when several people are packing who (I presume) won’t listen you and each other.

gilliansgardenbench · 25/08/2019 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lifecouldbeadream · 25/08/2019 21:28

Ah, having moved lots, only someone who’s been through it can truly sympathise.

My personal favourite least helpful was the SIL who turned up to ‘help’ and it became apparent that help meant ‘you’re a convenient place for me to stay as I can’t stay at my BF’s and I’m going away in the morning’. Drove me crackers.

Find a really gruesome job for them to do- and set them to it. Anyone can clean a loo, or wipe the insides of cupboards. Vacuuming, arranging stuff in the garden. Unpacking garage/shed...... they’ll never offer again.

On the other hand, I have a very special friend who also has moved often- she was incredible- absolutely amazing. Couldn’t have asked for more.

Kindlethefourth · 25/08/2019 22:00

Send them off with DC all day and in advance of the move that you can get on with packing. Worked a treat with us. DM turned up after it was all over with DD1. Stayed for fish and chips and then tutted when we couldn't find any 'freshly ground black pepper' an hour after the removal men had left which has since become a family catchphrase ......