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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say "no" to MIL who wants to come today?

39 replies

Tommy · 24/07/2007 10:30

My MIL is generally a nice person but sometimes I find her a bit "spoilt" when she doesn't get to do what she wants.

She has just phoned me to ask if they can come up today to mow the lawn as DH told her yesterday (just chatting on the phone) that he hadn't had the chance to do it because of the rain.

I evenually managed to decline politely.

Thing is: if they come it will be the whole day (til bed time)
DS1 has a friend coming to play for whole day
I will have to entertain them and feed them even though she will say she doesn't want to put me out.
I find it quite stressful having them here especially when DH is out (he's at work today).

I got the impression that she was a bit put out (emotional blackmail?!) and she said "Well, we won't see you now til 19th August" (pre arranged visit)

IABU to expect a bit more notice and some understanding that we do have plans over the holidays?

OP posts:
margoandjerry · 24/07/2007 10:34

They want to come and do you a favour and you told them not to come because you'd have to talk to them and give them some food...

Ummmm YABU IMHO.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like your plans for the day amount to putting on a full scale reenactment of the D Day Landings, complete with full-sized beach in your back garden.

And being a bit put out doesn't amount to emotional blackmail. It's just being a bit put out.

Tiggerish · 24/07/2007 10:36

TBH I think if she has a tantrum over this she needs to grow up a bit and realise the world doesn't revolve around her.

That said, it is good of them to offer to do the grass

moondog · 24/07/2007 10:36

You sonud really mean and churlish.
Let them come for Christ's sake.

Original poster
Tommy · 24/07/2007 10:36

should add that they are not "popping over" which would be fine but that they live 60 miles away so it would be a big deal

OP posts:
moondog · 24/07/2007 10:37

I don't think being 'put out' at not seeing your grandchildren for weeks amounts to emotional blackmail.Be glad for God's sake that they want to see you and help.

Mu ILs are dead and \i would give anything to have them over for the day and see the joy on my kids faces to see their grnadparetns.

witchandchips · 24/07/2007 10:37

Think YAB a bit U, they just want to see you and ds. Why do you find it stressful having them around?

Original poster
Tommy · 24/07/2007 10:48

It's all a bit of a long story so I guess shouldn't have started a thead about it - just wanted a rant really

OP posts:
margoandjerry · 24/07/2007 10:49

Fair enuff. Sounds like there's more to this than meets the eye.

witchandchips · 24/07/2007 10:57

okay so the issue is that having them around is stressful so you need more notice so that you can prepare yourself for it. This seems fair enough.

NappyValley · 24/07/2007 11:17

I understand what you are saying Tommy.

But just check that your feelings don't come from a feeling of "criticsm" over the lawn. I know I can get really annoyed when my parents are being "helpful" and I find it difficult.

However I find that if I have plans for a day, it is really hard to be spontaneous to accommodate things, so I understand your frustration there.

If you want to pacify, maybe get kids to make them a card and add some recent photos and send it to them. "looking forward to seeing you" etc

Enjoy your day

Spidermama · 24/07/2007 11:24

Sorry but YABU. They're the grandparents. It's there right to see their grandchildren and your duty to accomodate this, unless there's some problem and you don't get on, which you do.

Your MIL clearly feels hurt and rejected. Which she has been.

I wish my ILs or indeed my own mum and dad would visit. What's more when they do visit they NEVER mow the lawn.

You don't know a good thing IMO.

oliveoil · 24/07/2007 11:24

I think I would be put out at not seeing my grandchildren for weeks in their position

sometimes you have to do things you do not want to do

my parents come round every Monday and quite frankly sometimes I want to chew a cushion when they get irritating

but they LOVE my girls and my MIL looks after my girls when I work so I want my parents to have the same close relationship

can you phone them and say come round today/tomorrow (or whenever), you have rejigged your arrangments as you would "love to see them"

Original poster
Tommy · 24/07/2007 11:29

hit the nail on the head witchandchips

OP posts:
Fireflyfairy2 · 24/07/2007 11:36

Aw sounds like they just wanted to see the grandchildren

YABU a little bit.

How hard is it to put uo with them, make them a cup of tea etc...

I used to say things about MIL until I realised that when she is dead & gone DH will remember the awful things I said about her & perhaps hold a grudge.... she is his mother at the end of the day, she made him into the man I met & married.

KristinaM · 24/07/2007 11:37

I think you are all being a bit hard on her. Why is it not Ok for her to feel stressed by having to entertain people all day when she doesnt want to? As well as having another visitor? Why cant they coem over another day when Dh is in?

If it were me i woudl just say that we were having a visitor that day and that if they came another day ( when Dh was in) they coudl see more of them

DangerousBeans · 24/07/2007 11:38

I deduce this may be another AIBU thread that has a lot of background MIL issues?

Your OP makes you sound unreasonable.

But I suspect there is plenty more history that would back up your decision.

babygrand · 24/07/2007 11:40

Just because you're related to someone doesn't give them the right to spend the day at your house if you don't want them there - you should be able to say no. So I say YANBU. It's your husband's side of the family - let him entertain them.

RGPargy · 24/07/2007 11:45

I agree with KristinaM on this too.

LoveMyGirls · 24/07/2007 11:49

I think they should come on a day when your DH is there, why would they want to drive 120 mile round trip and not even get to see their son anyway?

berolina · 24/07/2007 11:52

I'm on the YANBU side.

Lovely offer re. the lawn, and I'm all for ILs seeing lots of their grandchildren, but I would find it very, very, very difficult indeed to have my ILs (who are perfectly nice people, just VERY different from me in all sorts of ways) here for a whole day without dh there - especially at such very short notice.

LowFatPumpkinJuice · 24/07/2007 11:59

I dont my MIL to come for an hour let a,lone the whole day. She is generally 'not a nice person' So I can see your point of view, YANBU.

You could always phone back and f=offer her tomorrow when DS will not have his friends so can enjoys his grannys company.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 24/07/2007 12:48

I wouldn't want, say, my SIL over for the whole day without DH there. It would be bloody torturous - if she wants to spend the whole day at your house, your DH should be there to share the burden of entertaining them imho.

YANBU

mm22bys · 24/07/2007 13:11

I think YABU. They are doing you a HUGE favour - they are not just coming to sponge off you and have to something to fill their day - I would be DELIGHTED if someone offered to mow our lawn!

Maybe you could have mentioned what your plans were for the day, and let them make the decision if they still wanted to come.

wolveschick · 24/07/2007 13:27

Tommy YANBU. I understand completely. Think a lot of people are being a bit hard on you IMO.

quiveutmabonnebaguette · 24/07/2007 13:34

YANBU !!!!!!!YANBU !!!!!!!YANBU !!!!!!!YANBU !!!!!!!YANBU !!!!!!!YANBU !!!!!!!YANBU !!!!!!!YANBU !!!!!!!YANBU !!!!!!!YANBU !!!!!!!YANBU !!!!!!!YANBU !!!!!!!

She has already made plans so she's not being rude by saying no to her in laws..they have already arranged a date ! If her DH was here to entertain his parents, maybe it would be different but that's not the case !

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