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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

family argument at Easter.. again

44 replies

piffar · 22/04/2019 15:47

my family is the most dysfunctional family i've ever encountered, I try and keep contact low, but obviously Easter and Christmas are big ones.

Anyway, I was in a cafe with my mother before and she pointed out a massive spot on my chin (that was noticeable!) and said "god that looks awful! didn't you try and cover it up?"

I have an had an eating disorder and body dysmorphia since a teenager and she knows this.

I said "god mum, no wonder I've got anxiety about my looks".

She has now cancelled this evening's meal, said she's sick of criticism and has asked me and my child to leave because we always ruin her days off.

WIBU?

OP posts:

RedDogsBeg · 22/04/2019 15:54

Leave and limit contact even further. Your mum is sick of criticism but her being rude, nasty and critical of you in public is okay?

EKGEMS · 22/04/2019 15:54

Not.in.the.least. She's cruel,bitter,petty,immature and the antithesis to a mother figure. You were not rude in the least-she however,was a total bitch. Go no contact with her if possible

RedDogsBeg · 22/04/2019 15:55

and you were NOT being unreasonable.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2019 15:55

You need to cut her out of your life. Permanently.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 22/04/2019 15:55

Wow! SHE's sick of criticism - what about you? She was the first off with the insults and you just defended yourself.

I'd leave - take your child and enjoy the last of the Easter sunshine (assuming you're in the UK) at home in peace without having to put up with being insulted by your own mother.

Nickpan · 22/04/2019 15:57

she horrendous

RSAcre · 22/04/2019 15:57

said she's sick of criticism

Oh this is CLASSIC, @piffar

She offers you a totally unecessary & hurtful insult, but when you stick up for yourself she makes it YOUR fault?!

I hope you can simply see this evening's missed meal with her as a lucky escape. She sounds like a mean, controlling nightmare. Enjoy your evening off! x

DocusDiplo · 22/04/2019 15:57

Well done for pulling her up on it

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 22/04/2019 15:59

I say a rude thing about you, you don’t take it like a punchbag, I’m the victim. Madness.

HopefulAgain10 · 22/04/2019 16:01

Why do you need to put yourself through this for the sake of easter and Christmas. Stand your ground and go NC. Theres nothing special about these two occasions that's worth being around her.

Mumminmum · 22/04/2019 16:04

I am so sorry you have such a mother. Do you have someone who can support you IRL?

PrincessDanae · 22/04/2019 16:11

Oh, classic victim blaming there! SHE's sick of the criticism so she can say what she likes to you and you can't respond? I don't think so!!!

Springwalk · 22/04/2019 16:15

I second dropping the Easter visit or any visit from now on. I would absolutely leave and never go back quite honestly.

julensaor · 22/04/2019 16:32

surely there was more to the conversation than this?

Exhsuatedmuch · 22/04/2019 16:34

What a classic..... Leave and don't look back. It never improves, people like that don't change they just enjoy the toxic effect they have.. Remove the power and what do they have left........ Where as you will only have the people in your life who make you feel great just being you.. Trust me its quite a nice feeling of freedom the day you finally walk away xxxxx

Easterbunnynearlyhere · 22/04/2019 16:35

Mm not just a spot in your life op. A big wart to boot.
Lc at the very least...

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 22/04/2019 16:36

I'd go very low contact. She was unkind to you and then, when you rightly pulled her up on it, you're the baddy? Bloody ridiculous. YABTR

Sparklesocks · 22/04/2019 16:39

She sounds awful, it would be completely understandable if you left and eased off contact. You don’t want your DC growing up around that influence.

SugarPlumLairy2 · 22/04/2019 16:45

Sounds like the sort of crap my mother would pull. Just out of left field a perfectly innocuous comment to anyone else but a nasty stab to me, designed to press buttons and hurt.

When I became a mum I realised how horrendous she truly was, I cried at the thought of her treating my DD Like that. Everyone said” but she’s yourmum, you only get one mum, you need her, it’s faaaaaaaamily”🙄
Nasty woman went a step to far and we’ve been estranged for easily 10 years. And I’ve never felt more peace, had better self esteem in my life.

Don’t t bother making excuses. If you MUST see her then leave when she makes the comment. Don’t let her dismiss you and your child as though it’s your fault - it’s NOT.

Be the mother you wish YOU had. Model the behaviour you want your child to grow up with. Do t let her teach your child that if she can’t treat her meanly then you get punished by being sent away.

Good luck OP

Bahhhhhumbug · 22/04/2019 16:45

I would probably say something to my grown up dd as we are close and can talk /sympathise about skin problems/bad hair days /cuts etc etc. Though l would be a lot more diplomatic and so would my dd than your mother was and l would tend to say 'ooh that looks sore' or something. I agree that saying 'did you not try to cover it up' would make you feel a bit horrible as if you are offensive to her in some way

QueenKubauOfKish · 22/04/2019 16:48

Oh I've got one of these! Wheels out endless crtiticism, insults and cruel remarks - then takes massive offence if i have anything to say about her rudeness, and cries that I'm mean.

My family is also massively dysfunctional - but I don't see them at Christmas or Easter. I see my mum once or twice a year and no overnight stays. You have no obligation to see someone who behaves like this, just put a stop to it. Especially if she flounces off and cancels things anyway - there's not much to lose is there.

Candleglow7475 · 22/04/2019 16:51

Very hypocritical and classic gas lighting.
Do something nice with your child on your own this evening

QueenKubauOfKish · 22/04/2019 16:51

Everyone said” but she’s yourmum, you only get one mum, you need her, it’s faaaaaaaamily”🙄

I've had this a lot too – people who have a basically sound relationship with their parents just don't understand (and why should they, but it can hurt).

PlinkPlink · 22/04/2019 16:54

Lucky escape I say OP.

There's something wrong with her. Limit contact even more.
Get that toxicity out of your life, my lovely, and make yourselves happy. It sounds like she never will be.

IHateUncleJamie · 22/04/2019 16:59

I say a rude thing about you, you don’t take it like a punchbag, I’m the victim. Madness.

Yep. Classic narcissistic Mother tactic. Mine used to love criticising my weight (refusing to be seen with me in public when I was 10 stone, bringing her old clothes round saying “This is MUCH too big now but you might be able to squeeze yourself into it” and other delights). If you dare to defend yourself or try to set boundaries they either weep, flounce or sulk, @piffar

I’ve been No Contact with mine for a few years now and wow, Christmasses and Easter are both peaceful AND fun! I genuinely had no idea that Christmas could be anything other than a war zone.

Set boundaries, lower your contact with your Mother (she’s undoubtedly the one who’s caused your body image issues), have a takeaway tonight and let her sulk.

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