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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fucking confused

72 replies

Shockedandsickened · 21/04/2019 20:40

Have a 7mo DD with DP. We live in his home country. I am feeling massively homesick for the UK, this relationship isn't going well, and I just want to go home and start a new life. But it would mean DD could only see her dad a couple times a year for long stretches of a couple months (long haul) and this is breaking my heart. He is such a wonderful father and we do about 50 50 shared care. I wanted my DD to have a wonderful father she saw every day and was close to, which she does. But if I left I would be taking that away from her. I am just so homesick for the UK and also know it would give my daughter better opportunities. I am so confused.

OP posts:
BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 21/04/2019 20:43

No chance he'd relocate to the UK with you?

bluebell34567 · 21/04/2019 20:45

can you take a holiday in UK?

BottleOfJameson · 21/04/2019 20:47

How different is the country you're in at the moment? Is it somewhere like the US or Canada or somewhere very different?

couchparsnip · 21/04/2019 20:53

If the relationship isn't going well then it's better to go now. Don't stay in a bad relationship for your DD, she won't thank you for giving her that environment to grow up in. As your DD gets older she can Skype and phone her father. It's not what you envisaged but will be better for everyone in the long run.

julensaor · 21/04/2019 21:02

How long have you been there OP?

ImOnlyHumanAfterall · 21/04/2019 21:05

How long have you lived there? Have you only felt like this since DD was born? Is the relationship no going well purely because of your homesickness, or are there other issues?

Original poster
Shockedandsickened · 21/04/2019 22:57

He won't relocate and I'm not sure how easy it would be legally etc.

It's a very different country and culture to the UK. I've lived here 7 years.

There are other issues in the relationship. He's very selfish and insensitive. Lovely father though which is why I'm so torn.

OP posts:
Easterbunnynearlyhere · 21/04/2019 22:58

See a solicitor. He may may able to stop you removing your dc from the country...

julensaor · 21/04/2019 23:01

Gosh I thought maybe this was newly relocated and having the baby just made you feel more isolated. Can you talk to him? Can you spell it all out, if he is a lovely father, is he a decent enough person that you just don't want to be with anymore? Or are the issues more sensitive that?

AlunWynsKnee · 21/04/2019 23:02

You could well find you can't take your dc out of the country without his permission and certainly not to live.

UserName31456789 · 21/04/2019 23:07

Sounds difficult. Considering it's very different culturally and you've already been there 7 years I do think it's unlikely you're going to suddenly settle in. I think you should move back to the UK and do your best to facilitate a relationship with DC's dad from there. He also has the choice to move to the UK so you're not forcing him to live in a different country to his child. I would definitely seek legal advice before you do anything though.

UserName31456789 · 21/04/2019 23:08

I also don't think you can guarantee that a selfish man will continue to be a great father. Parenting a 7 month old baby is very different to an older child who has a mind of their own. I would see a solicitor ASAP.

jacks11 · 21/04/2019 23:10

I agree OP should not stay in a relationship that is making her unhappy- assuming there is no desire/possibility to work on improving the relationship on both sides- and she shouldn’t stay in a relationship for the sake of her daughter.

However, there is a difference between ending a relationship but remaining near enough for effective co-parenting and moving to a different country a long haul flight away, taking their child with her. That is a pretty devastating thing to do to a loving, involved parent. Sometimes it has to be done, but shouldn’t be done lightly. And it is possible that her partner could prevent OP removing their child from the country.

OP I think you should end the relationship if you are deeply unhappy and don’t think there is anything worth working on or if your DP won’t agree to work on the relationship. Moving away is slightly trickier and I think you’d need some legal advice as to whether you could do so without his agreement. Then at least you know where you stand from a legal perspective if your DP didn’t agree.

jacks11 · 21/04/2019 23:14

To be clear- I don’t mean get legal advice as to whether you can leave the country to return to the UK, but you may need his permission to remove your DD without his consent, should he refuse to give it.

Crunchymum · 21/04/2019 23:16

What country OP? What passport does baby have?

Without knowing it's hard to advise.

Antonin · 21/04/2019 23:41

Best course of action may be to come to UK on holiday,,perhaps to show you DD to your family. Don’t say anything to your DH re your dissatisfaction or he may get suspicious. Whilst here get legal advice, plus custody of DD. If you take DD out of your current country of residence without his consent with intention of not returning your legal position will be more difficult. If you come on holiday with his approval and while here decide for good reason not to return then your position will be better. International law can be very complicated.
Good luck

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 21/04/2019 23:48

If he got the majority of time and you saw her sporadically would that be ok with you?

Butchyrestingface · 21/04/2019 23:51

Best course of action may be to come to UK on holiday,,perhaps to show you DD to your family. Don’t say anything to your DH re your dissatisfaction or he may get suspicious. Whilst here get legal advice, plus custody of DD

Just trying to imagine the howls of outrage at a bloke advising his mate to do this...

AlunWynsKnee · 21/04/2019 23:51

If you come on holiday with his approval and while here decide for good reason not to return then your position will be better. I don't think that's true in any way whatsoever if the Hague Convention applies. The child has never lived in the UK so is ordinarily resident where they live now and the OP would put herself in breach of the law by removing the child permanently. Getting back into the country they live in now might be affected if she breaks the law which would be shit if her child lives there.

wellhelloyou · 22/04/2019 00:29

Sorry you're going through this. We emigrated and I felt lost hopeless and at the depths of despair for a year. We decided to return to the UK although things have gotten better. How long have you been living in the new country?

How long have you been in your DP's home country? Is it English speaking? Can you go out and get around as easily as you did before? Helps massively to go out and speak to others. Especially other expats - loads of people in the same boat. If you also go onto forums (think one is called Expats British) and ask for help people know what you're going through and can offer advice.

Just be aware, if you're living in Australia or another country covered by the Hague Convention (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hague_Convention_on_the_Civil_Aspects_of_International_Child_Abduction) it won't be your choice as to whether you go back with your daughter. I don't wish to scare you with this but I always think it's good to have full knowledge when making a big decision.

I know how hard this can be, wish you the best.

wellhelloyou · 22/04/2019 00:30

Sorry, the website is British Expats not Expats British britishexpats.com/forum/

Original poster
Shockedandsickened · 22/04/2019 00:54

Thank you for all your replies. I didn't mean to drip feed but he says he wants me to do what makes me happy and if that means going back to the UK with our DD then it's fine, as long as we return for long stretches at a time, which is doable as I work remotely. I just don't know if that's good for DD or fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shockedandsickened · 22/04/2019 00:56

well thanks for the forum recommendation. I suppose I could give it a last full-on try so id be able to say I've given the country enough of a chance! I do have friends but one friend is in a very abusive relationship that drags me down in all honesty, and the others are quite far away from when I lived in another part of the country.

OP posts:
pinotgrigio · 22/04/2019 01:01

You need to be very, very careful. I was in a similar position to you and after seeing a family lawyer was told that if I wanted to return to the UK, our DD would most likely be ordered to remain with her father as she was ordinarily resident. As he held my visa at the time he didn't know quite how much of a hold he had over me (I couldn't move out without my visa being nullified). I'd been trying to get out of the relationship for years (and still am).

However, all of this will depend on the country you are living in. I would get some good legal advice ASAP. Your marital status may also play a part in your options - in the country I'm in, DP has equal parental status, while in the UK he doesn't. It's very complex.

pinotgrigio · 22/04/2019 01:03

Ah cross-posts - good that he's prepared to return to the UK with you. I would still make sure you understand your legal position with regard to your DD and if your DP wants to take her back to his home country in case you do decide to separate.