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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Don't want to go ...

40 replies

IShouldGoToBed · 13/04/2019 06:06

Have a friend I really like. Recently was meant to be going to the pub with her and another friend for a quiet drink. They then turned it into a big night out, wanting to go out to a gig etc... I couldn't face it (we r all in 40s! Have children, busy jobs etc..) and i ended up making an excuse and not going. Because I want to see her I suggested we meet with the children today, (figured this couldn't be turned into a crazy night out!) to go to a local museum and get a bite to eat after... She said yes and we set the date etc.. and I've been looking forward to it. Then get a text from her yesterday saying she's invited other people along. The people she's invited I barely know and I've not meet their children before, but have been told the kids are quite aggressive and they've bullied her DS before. I'm basically dreading the whole thing. I don't feel like having to make and effort with new people today and I don't want my kids to have a miserable time if these peoples kids are aggressive and nasty. I want to cancel but as I didn't go on the night out, I'll feel really bad if I cancel.

Why do people change the goal posts like this? And why invite someone else along to activity I arranged without asking first. I think it's really rude. Grrrrrrr

Sorry rant over!

OP posts:

2cheeseburgersplease · 13/04/2019 06:16

Cancel - won't be any fun! And it isn't like she won't still have the chance to go because she's invited the others anyway. Hate it when you make plans then others change them ...Take your DC somewhere and have a nice day yourselves !

JenniferJareau · 13/04/2019 06:23

Cancel and don't make plans with her again. She clearly likes socialising in large groups and will continue to invite others if you try and book one on one time.

Eslteacher06 · 13/04/2019 06:31

Had a situation like this. I was getting to know a new mum and I suggested meeting at a local park. When I turned up, she told me she had invited a few friends and did I mind. Well I couldn't say I did mind! I sat there the whole time with them talking about stuff they had been up to, and I had no common ground so completely changed the dynamic. I didn't bother seeing her again.

You are totally not being unreasonable. Maybe say you were looking forward to it being just them and if she's already invited them, to go with them and you guys arrange another time. If she has a problem with that...then that's her problem. She shouldn't have invited others without checking first.

0DimSumMum0 · 13/04/2019 06:41

I have a friend who always does this and I hate it as well. I used to put up with it but like you always felt uncomfortable so I don't go any more. I would cancel. You are obviously not very important to her if she doesn't want to enjoy your company

user1493413286 · 13/04/2019 06:42

I really dislike it when people do this; i find it quite a lot of effort to spend a day with new people so I hate it sprung on me.
I wouldn’t feel bad for cancelling although you could also go but have an excuse to leave early if your kids aren’t enjoying it.

SnuggyBuggy · 13/04/2019 06:50

I can see both sides in a way. People can have multiple friends and only so much time so obviously group outings can be much easier than finding the time to meet each person individually.

However inviting additional people to a social event that you initiated is really rude.

Dieu · 13/04/2019 06:54

You could surely have just joined them for part of the night-out before. It didn't have to be an all nighter. She's probably thinking there's no harm in inviting others along to a daytime meet, as it's hard to catch up with the kids in tow anyway. As for your kids being picked on, try not to worry before the situation has even happened!

Eslteacher06 · 13/04/2019 06:56

If they were mutual friends, then fair enough about meeting as a group. But it's inconsiderate not to check if it's okay first before inviting them. Especially if OP doesn't know them.

Dieu · 13/04/2019 06:59

I do agree with you, but part of me thinks that life is too short to sweat this stuff. There will be other chances for the OP to meet again with her friend alone, if that's what they both want.

AllStar14 · 13/04/2019 07:02

Do people reach 40 and stop going to gigs?

emphasisofmatter · 13/04/2019 07:06

Have you told your kids about the day and are they looking forward to it? If they are I wouldn't cancel. At a museum you can just wonder off so you don't need to socialise with them.

If you haven't shared your plans with the kids I would just cancel. Life is too short to spend the day uncomfortable and quietly seething. Do something else instead!

Original poster

IShouldGoToBed · 13/04/2019 07:14

Allstar14 - no!! :) Don't panic!! But I'm pretty tired these days and that night I really fancied a quiet drink with good friends. I will go to gigs (although that said, I haven't been to any for quite a while!!!)! But these days I mainly just enjoy a quiet catch up! When you are expecting a quiet catch up and a nice chat at a pub within walk/cycle distance, and it turns into a night at a pop tribute band (not my kind of gig anyway I have to say! I'm more a mellow rock kind of a person!!) 30 miles away, it's not really so appealing!!

OP posts:

Boysey45 · 13/04/2019 07:34

It sounds like you have different expectations and needs out of friendship, she obviously a lot more outgoing than you and enjoys the company of large groups etc.
I think you have to accept this and if she doesn't want to do anything quietish and you don't want to do big group activities then you have to accept that as friends theres not much common ground here.

Just cancel today and then see if she contacts you suggesting something you both like. If you cant find anything suitable to do together after talking about things you have to accept shes not the friend for you.

CalmdownJanet · 13/04/2019 07:36

Just text back "oh OK, I'll leave you too it and we can arrange something another time, text me when you are free", it's annoying when people change plans and very annoying when they invite people tiu don't know so you feel like the third wheel on a day you were looking forward to

maddening · 13/04/2019 07:38

Invite her to your house, she surely can't change that

SnuggyBuggy · 13/04/2019 07:38

She might turn up with a crowd

Damntheman · 13/04/2019 07:57

I hate it when people do this! It is so rude to suddenly invite others to a small outing. Ugh poor you.

Damntheman · 13/04/2019 07:58

I also hate the reasoning that people who do this do it because they're outgoing. No they don't. They do it because they're rude. I'm outgoing and I would never move the goal posts like this!

Acis · 13/04/2019 08:01

I'd be inclined to be quite upfront about this - say you don't want to risk spoiling your children's holidays with them being bullied and therefore you're pulling out.

Cornishmum00 · 13/04/2019 08:03

I had a friend keep turning up with random people when i had invited her places, i no longer invite her. At least when she asks me i know to expect other people who i dont know

Bakingberry · 13/04/2019 08:07

I'd say to her that your not feeling sociable enough to meet new people today. Say that since she changed the plan, she should go and have a good time, and you can do something together another time.

Fatted · 13/04/2019 08:11

Have you actually explained to her that you don't like the big groups, noisey places etc? She genuinely might not realise how much it bothers you and if you cancel without properly explaining why she'll keep doing it again.

Personally I'd go. The museum is the kind of place you can wander off and do your own thing if you want to.

Next time you arrange something, tell her honestly you just want something 1-2-1. That way she's not going to change the plan.

DeeCeeCherry · 13/04/2019 08:14

Just cancel. You dont sound compatible as friends. She likely I said yes to your suggestions to be polite. But it's clear she just doesn't want one-to-one time with you.

I have a friend who doesn't do or go anywhere much. I don't tend to meet with just her as she talks about her man and her kids all the time, whatever topic I initiate she brings it back to that relentlessly, and I find it boring. I wouldn't invite a group to a meet with her tho, but our link is mostly via phone now.

Life changes and sometimes you just don't have much in common with certain friends anymore. Its fine to cancel.

WeKnowFrogsGoShaLaLaLaLa · 13/04/2019 08:16

Do you cancel a lot? Is she inviting other people as a back up in case you don't come?

Gruzinkerbell1 · 13/04/2019 08:16

Cancel. It’s rude. She made plans with you and has now moved the goalposts.

“Oh okay, I’ll leave you to it. Have fun. Let me know when you’re free with the kids to come round one afternoon”

If she invites a friend to tag along to your house then she really is a CF and I’d terminate the friendship.

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