Don't want to go ...

[IShouldGoToBed]

Have a friend I really like. Recently was meant to be going to the pub with her and another friend for a quiet drink. They then turned it into a big night out, wanting to go out to a gig etc... I couldn't face it (we r all in 40s! Have children, busy jobs etc..) and i ended up making an excuse and not going. Because I want to see her I suggested we meet with the children today, (figured this couldn't be turned into a crazy night out!) to go to a local museum and get a bite to eat after... She said yes and we set the date etc.. and I've been looking forward to it. Then get a text from her yesterday saying she's invited other people along. The people she's invited I barely know and I've not meet their children before, but have been told the kids are quite aggressive and they've bullied her DS before. I'm basically dreading the whole thing. I don't feel like having to make and effort with new people today and I don't want my kids to have a miserable time if these peoples kids are aggressive and nasty. I want to cancel but as I didn't go on the night out, I'll feel really bad if I cancel.

Why do people change the goal posts like this? And why invite someone else along to activity I arranged without asking first. I think it's really rude. Grrrrrrr

Sorry rant over!

I feel your pain. I think I’d go with something like Calmdownjanets reply.

She changed the goalposts - you don’t have to feel bad.

I’d cancel, it’s not the situation you planned so they’re no longer your plans. By changing plans all the time she’s showing very little respect for you and your time, she’s squeezing you in which makes you an option and not a priority. She’s rude and I’d cancel.

I arranged to meet an acquaintance from an old hobby a few years ago, we hadn’t seen each other in a year or so. I got there about 20 mins early to find she was already there with another friend, she’d had a coffee and they were chatting. I sat with them feeling a bit of a spare part, when I went to get a drink they didn’t want anything (obviously) and then I had nothing to chat to them about. They left together about half an hour after I got there, I felt like I’d just gatecrashed their morning coffee and we haven’t been in touch since.

I had a friend who did this. Once we planned a camping trip, just me, her and our dps. On the day, they pulled up at our house with another couple in their car! My ‘friend’ then spent most of the weekend with her other friend, who was lovely but I had never met her before and I have never seen her since - it put a really awkward dynamic on the whole thing. Another time we planned to meet up (by then we’d had babies) and I was desperate to talk to her, an old friend, about how I was coping (badly) with my new dc but she’d invited another mum and baby along - again I’d never met her before and never saw her again! We were both awkward and probably both thought we were there for a one to one meet up with mutual friend. She pulled the stunt again a few months later. We aren’t in touch much anymore and one of the reasons is because she’s too busy making new friends and being the big I am to actually invest quality time with old friends. Fuck that!

Ps sorry for the ramble op it wasn’t much help to you. Personally I would just test her as another poster suggested with an ‘I’ll leave you to it’.

*text

It's totally fine to cancel. I hate when people do this. It's beyond rude. Send one of the replies given above 'oh okay, I'll leave you to it then'. Don't just make up an excuse.

I am sure the kids arent permanently aggressive, just go, grin and bear it

I'd be inclined to be quite upfront about this - say you don't want to risk spoiling your children's holidays with them being bullied and therefore you're pulling out.

She can't possibly know that her children will be bullied, so that's one thing she really shouldn't say if she wants to be upfront. That's passive agressive and serves no real purpose.

OP, I'd probably just be honest and say I was looking forward to just us and don't feel like making the effort with people I don't know that well. And that she should've checked with you before inviting someone you don't even know along.

And I wouldn't feel bad for canceling at all.

I think inviting mutual friends along is fine, but inviting strangers along is only ok if it's agreed. Otherwise it's a bit arrogant.

I suspect people do it because it naturally places them as the centre of attention, as all conversation tends to go through them.

You should go - ignore your friend and only talk to the new person - Wendy her!

Ok so we r going! But I've made the decision not to arrange anything with her again! It's too much stress! I think she perhaps finds me boring or something ! :( Shame, as when it's just us, I love her company and her partner's company too :( We used to meet up just us and she seemed happy enough, so not sure what happened really :(

Is there a chance she was telling her friend about meeting up and this friend just invited herself along?
And your friend didn't feel comfortable saying no?

Or maybe her friend us having a hard time so she thought she was doing a nice thing by inviting her along and introducing her to you because you are really nice?

Not the point I know
Hope you have a good time

Good for you for going, it might well turn out to be one of those situations where you aren’t looking forward to something and it’s much better than you think!

I’d have cancelled, and texted something like “I was looking forward to catching up with you but sounds like that’s going to be tricky with the others around, have fun and I’ll see you soon”.

We used to meet up just us and she seemed happy enough, so not sure what happened really sad

Ask her. She then knows you don’t like it and will hopefully stop it. If she continues to do it, I’d stop making arrangements with her.

I hate this too. I think it’s different if it’s an established mutual friend, but otherwise it’s very rude. If anyone does this to me, I use the “ok, I’ll leave you to it” line every time, I must admit.....

Why would you not arrange anything else? Just say next time, that you would like to meet just you two. Explain why. Then she will know and hopefully it will happen.

On the one hand she sounds tricky but on the other she can't mind read.