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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To pull out of Holiday.

41 replies

Whoops75 · 02/04/2019 23:59

Sister in law and my brother are due a baby this summer. They live abroad and my siblings and Ihad planned to go and see them, nothing booked yet.
We will be traveling together and sharing accommodation.

My sister added to the WhatsApp group that her husband will be joining us. No previous conversation was had, it was presented as a done deal.

Group is now split, some are fine others are a bit meh and I’m now not interested in going. I like him and there will be others to chat too I now just don’t want to go.
I think it’s because we will have to reign in the sibling fun & jokes. It’s also because my dh can’t come and I would loved him to be there.

We hardly ever all get together so it will be a missed opportunity to do that but it’s a lot of expense for a family photo

What do ye think?
AIBU

OP posts:

BigButtonsOnMyPhone · 03/04/2019 00:19

The dynamic has been changed so if you don't fancy it, don't go.

BackforGood · 03/04/2019 00:19

Sorry, I'm confused.

You have 1 brother that lives abroad who is due to become a Dad.
You and other siblings had talked about going out to visit, together.
One of your sister's is bringing her husband.
So now you are saying you don't want to go because he is coming, even though you like him / get on ?

Or have I misinterpreted something ?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 03/04/2019 00:22

So it was supposed to be an all siblings thing, but now she’s bringing a partner? I can see why it might change the dynamic a little, but given it’s her husband and not some bloke she’s been seeing for a couple of months, I think it’s a bit over the top to not go because he’s coming.

You say you would have loved your husband to come - wouldn’t that have changed the dynamic in the same way?

AdoreTheBeach · 03/04/2019 00:27

Wasn’t your brother’s wife, who is having the baby, going to be there too? I’m sorry, but as an expat myself, I think YABU

timeisnotaline · 03/04/2019 00:29

And he’s a perfectly normal guy? I’d avoid my dhs family as much as I could if they felt that way about partners going on a holiday to see... another sibling and their partner! Even ignoring the fact holidays are money etc...

and then you say but you’d like your husband to go. Seems selfish and not very self aware, at best a bit immature. But no one is making you go, just say I don’t want to come now that outsider you married who is legally your closest kin dare come along too, it’s all spoilt. And cry.

Original poster

Whoops75 · 03/04/2019 00:30

I wouldn’t have invited my husband on a sibling trip.
Yes he is lovely but not a sibling so the dynamics will be different.
My dh gets on with him so he will miss out where’s before he wouldn’t have wanted to go.
I had pictured a holiday where we were all living together like years ago and having a laugh. It won’t be like that with him there, we won’t be as silly.
It’s a big chunk of our family budget which no longer feels worth it.

OP posts:

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 03/04/2019 00:32

Yes having the ‘new mum’ there then obviously changes the dynamic too. Were you all getting rid of her for the week as well?

If not, maybe she will love having a non sibling there to talk too, so she isn’t the only one not in on the jokes......

Fridasrage · 03/04/2019 00:32

What! You’re going to pull out of a holiday to see your brothers baby because it won’t be 100% sibling in jokes? Or am I missing something? Sounds like YABU

Smelborp · 03/04/2019 00:32

Pretty insulting to your BIL. You might not get on so well afterwards.

slappinthebass · 03/04/2019 00:32

I find it a bit odd, that all siblings are going to descend together. Is this the first child out of the siblings? Doesn't really seem appropriate to arrive en masse. How does your SIL feel about it? I don't see how the husband/your BIL would make any difference, bit odd that you don't see him as family.

HeddaGarbled · 03/04/2019 00:33

I don’t think it’s healthy to try and keep a closed circle of birth family that can’t cope with the partners of your siblings. Your sister in law who is having the baby is not one of your siblings. Were you not planning to “reign in the family fun and jokes” for her?

Yes, she should have discussed it with you all first. Yes, you’re disappointed that your H can’t come too.

Yes, YABU to not want to go because your sister’s partner WHOM YOU LIKE is coming too.

Oysterbabe · 03/04/2019 00:35

Yabu and a bit of a brat I think.

WhyTho · 03/04/2019 00:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Whoops75 · 03/04/2019 00:41

Having read the replies I think ye are right and my reasons aren’t reasonable.

My dh wouldn’t have enjoyed the sibling holiday so I was going guilt free but he would enjoy it so now so I’m torn.

FYI My pregnant SIL will do as much/ little with us as she likes. My brother will get out when he can, they wont host when we visit and the baby will be around 8 weeks old.

I’ll think on it some more.

OP posts:

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/04/2019 00:45

Of course her husband is coming with her, I can't imagine why he wouldn't. And this is you complaining when you like him||? God knows what you would have said if you didnt.....

SandAndSea · 03/04/2019 01:00

I think it's fine to be disappointed for a bit but, if it was me, I would give myself a talking to and find a way to roll with it.

This fact is, things have changed and it was never a sibling-only event, because it's your sil who's having the baby.

Can you take your dh now too? Maybe you could get excited about starting some new family traditions?

Ask yourself how you'll feel afterwards if you don't go. That'll tell you your answer.

Rach182 · 03/04/2019 01:00

I get the whole wanting to spend time with your siblings separately for nostalgic reasons, but surely that's not appropriate for a family trip abroad to visit the new baby?

Plus, as someone who's also from a big, jokey and gregarious family, I don't see why you would need to tone down the sibling dynamics for your spouses. In my family my siblings' spouses only add to the fun. Or are you a different person with your husband/ hide parts of your personality?

I'm therefore not sure I understand why you wouldn't want to still go on the trip- don't you want to meet the baby ? Or do you mean you want to go another time with your DH? Which is fine to save costs... but not if the only reason is your bil joining the sibling trip.

Separately, I echo a pp concern about you all descending on a new mother like this. Might be worth double checking with the new mum that this sibling trip is her idea or that she's genuinely on board, and it's not just something your brother is making her go along with.

Sashkin · 03/04/2019 01:07

My pregnant SIL will do as much/ little with us as she likes. My brother will get out when he can

You aren’t really going to see the new baby are you, if the parents are just joining you once or twice (or even not at all, in SIL’s case?) on your sibling japes?

Myshinynewname · 03/04/2019 01:15

That sounds like a spectacularly bad time for a sibling holiday. Do you have children yourself yet? I thought I was fairly laid back, but the idea of all my dh’s family arriving en masse when I had a newborn fills me with horror. Even if you’re not actually staying at their house there will still be pressure that you have paid to travel out there and have a limited amount of time to visit the new family. I also think I would have been happy for dh to go out precisely zero times when I had an eight week old so there’s that too.

dreichuplands · 03/04/2019 01:46

Are you going to see the new baby and support mum and dad or are you going on a sibling trip? It doesn't sound great from the new families point of view. Have you had DC? It can be pretty intense for the first couple of months. It is really nice that you enjoy sibling get togethers, are you sure that this is the right time.

timeisnotaline · 03/04/2019 12:18

Your poor sil. Her dh will join you when he can? So you are all going out etc with the odd visit and he can go and have fun too if he leaves his wife home with their first baby 8 weeks old.
I think this is a really bad idea. If I were your sil my dh and i would have argued during your trip and I would have decided his family were all selfish fuckers I never wanted to see again.
And they don’t have to host is still a million miles from what it should be - turning up with dinner, leaving a clean kitchen and doing some washing while you’re there.

BarbedBloom · 03/04/2019 12:25

YABU. Do your brother and SIL even know the plan? With an 8 week old I wouldn’t expect my brother to be around at all without his partner and baby and wouldn’t even ask. I would be there to help them as much as I could, doing washing, making food and drinks, not expecting to be going out and about on sibling only trips.

If I was spending a lot of money and using annual leave I would probably also want to take my husband on a family trip considering he is also my family

Iltavilli · 03/04/2019 12:28

You sound exactly like my DP’s awful sister. We’re fortunate they live a 5 hour drive away, but she complains like mad when my DP doesn’t visit regularly, or when I come along when we do go back (DP doesn’t drive so when I say “come along” I mean drive him the 10 hour + round journey). When there she insists on only sibling in-jokes, resorts to strong local dialect and slang, and generally forgets they haven’t been child siblings for 20 years.
Your siblings have partners and lives. They aren’t playthings for your amusement.

Original poster

Whoops75 · 03/04/2019 12:53

Ye have it all wrong about sil and my brother. I actually messaged her this morning because of your replies and she said she’s delighted the gang are coming over. We only get an opportunity to see them once a year as they work away and come to Europe once a year. Last year they came here but won’t this yr because of the baby.

This is their second child and we all have children so know what it’s like.
I’ve already explained in my update that I’m actually jealous my sister can bring her husband. We can’t go away together which makes me sad so my reaction is a badly articulated emotional response. That along with the cost is giving me second thoughts.

My other sister is going to call for a chat and I’ll get to think out loud with her.
Thanks for the replies, they have focused my mind which is running away on me!

OP posts:

thecatsthecats · 03/04/2019 12:55

My pregnant SIL will do as much/ little with us as she likes. My brother will get out when he can

Ouch! This sounds less like a siblings get together than a clique, and quite a nasty one.

Exhausted mum of newborn is an unfortunate appendage to family fun to be left behind when possible, husband coming too 'spoils the dynamic', you have apparently nothing to talk about but hilarious in jokes that can't possibly be shared!

Apologies if that sounds harsh - it's more that is strikes me as very immature for a group of siblings where at least three of you are married. I do understand about the dynamic - I told my husband to shove off when I met my pregnant best friend, because it was very likely the last opportunity I'd get for years to be with her one to one! But it's not healthy to cling to that old dynamic. It's not going to be spoiled by adding other people you know and like. These people are your family now.

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