Should I bother with Father's Day?

[OrnithCheeseatron]

Divorced, kids with exH EOW. Today, kids were with dad and had a great day celebrating Mother's Day - focussed on ex's mum (grandma). This was all hosted at ex brother in laws house with SIL hosting (cooking, arranging etc) who follows family lines (abusive ex, perfect husband to outside world). Today I got son & daughter returned to me at 5pm as normal hoping for something -flowers maybe? I got a bunch of fake tulips from the pound shop (says my daughter) and a card that has double exposure .. the print is not good enough to sell in a decent shop so has come from somewhere cheap.

My AIBU? I've always made sure the children do something thoughtful on Father's Day, should I not bother in future as I'm clearly no longer part of ex's family? I have no family of my own (except for kids) btw.

No I'd not bother. What a cock.

Don't bother.

Perhaps bother just as much. A £1 gift and card from the pound shop - worlds best dad mug from Poundland.

Sad that. I'm in two minds o this one though. You have always done something thoughtful on FD - but you do that for the sake of your children I am sure, not your ex. As the children get older and recall these Fathers Days thoughtfulnesses that you made on their behalf , they may also recall the little trouble their father went to for you on Mother's Day. Who will they remember being the bigger person?

Find the cheapest card you can and leave the price sticker on it. It's what i will be doing to my sons biological waste of space. This way the thought is technically there and if asked a special effort was made. You have to hunt for the proper cheap crap.

Reciporacte with a cheap card or don't bother.

I'm not sure how old your DC are, but do they understand what mother's day is?

Alternatively supply kids with colouring pens and paper. They can make the card saving you money.

Nope do nothing on Fathers Day

Let them take the lead if they are old enough.

Children are 10 & 12, so I think old enough to know what this might mean to me. Thank you lovely ladies for responding and not making me feel too precious about this xx

save the flowers and give them to him on Fathers Day.

I would still bother as you always have done for your children's sake-dont lower yourself to his standards

I always sent a card and a token present with dd to her dads.
However, 3 years ago he sent home "books she had chosen" for me - which were thinly vailed digs at me by the book titles; then he refused to buy a card and left daughter crying when he returned her to me - she then said she didn't want to her him a card on Father's Day and that's been going on ever since.

His family can already do Father's Day and help the kids choose him stuff if they want to get him bits

As pp says just reciprocate, cheap card and something from Poundland. Shower gel perhaps.

I agree with @GPatz . And it would be sad if your children remembered their childhood Mother's/father's days as being an exchange of deliberately crap gifts between exes. Be the bigger person. Hugs to you btw, sorry today was crap

At 10 & 12 I would ask them . It’s a point you can actually let the children know he is a nob and your not . But I liked been morally superior to my ex till he gave up bothering all together

I would be the better person and give your children a good example.

No. He's not your father, why would you bother?

Surely at 10 and 12 it's up to them if they but their dad a card or present. Mention it to them a couple of weeks before, but you don't need to do any planning for him. He's not bothered for you.

Do you have a court arrangement that he has to have them EOW and no flexibility? Would he not have agreed to swap week-ends? I think it’s unbelievably selfish for him to have the children on Mothers day and it isn’t fair on the children. There is no way my children would spend mother’s Day with my ex and equally I wouldn’t have them on father’s day. In future I would take your children to the shops yourself.

Don’t do anything for father’s day. And next time, have the kids yourself for mother’s day, take them to a shop so they can buy something, and then a special meal. Do it yourself. I do.

At 10 and 12 they're old enough to understand and decide for themselves what they want to do. Maybe just leave it with them. Remind them it's father's Day coming up and ask if they need your help with anything.

My ex did fuck all, I don’t care really as children are young but the oldest was clearly quite upset he didn’t have anything to give me.
However if he had bothered to sort something out it would have been more than he done in previous years.

I think you should support whatever your DC want to do, as this shouldn't be about him, or you, but them.

He upsets them by such gross acts, don't do the same.

It's not for you to decide what to give him but then and for you to support that (within reason of course).

If that's means he gets better gifts then so be it, you are being a good DM in supporting them and not causing deliberate embarrassment and upset like him.

I assume he's an abusive twunt and the reason for are no longer with him, because it sounds like that kind of shit. It's always the DC that suffer.

Two wrongs don't make a right. For 12 years, I made sure my ex had F Day, birthday, Christmas cards & presents from DD. Didn't do it for him but for her. Explained when she was 19, she'd have to fund those herself in the future and that my mother & sister had made sure I had cards and presents from her. In a thoughtful, not ugly, way. She understood and I still feel good for doing the right thing. Be glad you got anything!

It’s about the DC ignore anything else. I used to make makes with DSD to take home for mother’s day (normally the weekend before) because she enjoyed it. Did the same for Father’s Day. She enjoyed it