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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD staying with SIL

45 replies

cocoloc · 30/03/2019 22:07

Dd is 10 months old. Since she was born SIL has made it clear that she wants 1:1 time with her which I gave brushed off. She used to take her off me when she was really little and hold her for hours, even when she would start to cry she was reluctant to give her back and I ended up snatching her back a few times.

For the last few months DD has had a clingy phase and wouldn't go to her at all so the stopped asking for her and I thought the novelty had worn off but I have found out the she has been asking DH for 1:1 time with her and has made her a bedroom in her home for sleepovers when she gets a little bit older.

I discussed with DH that I am not happy with this and I don't mind her having her for an hour while I pop out but I don't want her doing sleepovers. DH is happy to go with what I think but thinks we should allow it when she gets to around 2 years old as he used to sleep at his aunties and loved it but I don't want her to. AIBU to think that I didn't have a baby to pass her off to other people?

I really don't understand why family members insist on 1:1 time. SIL visits at least once a week for several hours and spends the whole time with DD so why does she need her by herself?

OP posts:
Marlena1 · 30/03/2019 22:10

I would love this!! What a nice break. She is probably a bit young for sleepovers now, but it could come in handy in the futureGrin I may be in the minority on this.

WorraLiberty · 30/03/2019 22:12

YANBU to put your foot down because she sounds rather demanding.

However I find this part of your OP quite weird - AIBU to think that I didn't have a baby to pass her off to other people?

Is that what you think about every child who sleeps over at a relative's house? Confused

DieSchottin93 · 30/03/2019 22:13

I feel like there is a massive backstory here Hmm

Original poster
cocoloc · 30/03/2019 22:13

Maybe I will appreciate it but I don't think so. I have to work full time so my evenings and weekends with DD are precious and I find it weird that she has made a bedroom up for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
cocoloc · 30/03/2019 22:15

No there is no backstory at all. We have always got on well this is the only issue I have ever had with her.

OP posts:
shatteredandstressed · 30/03/2019 22:16

Has she any children of her own?

MyKingdomForBrie · 30/03/2019 22:16

My SIL wants the same and I think it's lovely. She loves my dd and wants a close Aunty relationship with her and I am very comfortable with and happy about that. Obviously dc will need to be of an age to be comfortable with spending a night away from home, my eldest already goes out for walks with SIL and the dogs without me.

I'm guessing you don't like SIL. You need to let dh have input into this decision, the children are as much his.

GPatz · 30/03/2019 22:18

'AIBU to think that I didn't have a baby to pass her off to other people'?

Well, this tends to happen to those parents, much like yourself, who have to go back to work full time.

Original poster
cocoloc · 30/03/2019 22:20

No she doesn't have any children of her own. She wants them in the future but is only 29 and has a very definite career plan so doesn't want to TTC until she is 33.

I don't mind her wanting a relationship with her its just annoying me that she is presuming to have her overnight.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/03/2019 22:20

Is it just the age of your baby that's making you not want to allow sleepovers?

What about when she's say 3 or 4 years old?

sarah8484 · 30/03/2019 22:21

No, yanbu My son is 3 and i would not allow him to sleep out at relatives for a good few years yet. I know he would be safe and happy to do so but I just feel safer him being with me when he's still so young. Your sil sounds overbearing. Does she have her own children?

Chocolateisfab · 30/03/2019 22:22

Buy her a cat.
She is a cf expecting to play 'house' with your dc.

Loseitandkeepitlost · 30/03/2019 22:26

I used to have my niece overnight (only occasionally) from about 18 months onwards. I loved having her, it helped us build a great relationship and she still comes to stay even now she is an adult.

If you’re not comfortable with it that’s okay, but it’s not something that has to be looked at negatively, it can be pleasurable for both niece (or nephew) and Aunty!!

HelloDarlin · 30/03/2019 22:26

She should respect your wishes. My sister is having a baby, and I’d love to spend time with little one (I have no kids), but I’ll leave it up to her.
Her DH has 3 sisters & her MIL will be minding the baby, so I’d better join the babysitting queue!

Owwlie · 30/03/2019 22:34

YANBU, you don't have to allow your DD to sleep over anywhere.

My SIL is like this. She first asked when DD was 4 days old and told me she already had a cot. Just brush it off, say DDs not old enough yet and you aren't ready to have her away overnight yet.

Do you have others babysit her? DDs never been babysat by anyone so it's easier for me to say no to SIL as it's the same 'rule' for everyone.

Ceebs85 · 30/03/2019 22:40

I would love it if my SIL did this, however I can see how the pressure she's putting on you about it would feel weird and intrusive. I can also understand not wanting to be away from her. I work full time hours over 4 days so my days off with my daughter are precious. If she spends one of my 3 days off with someone else I really miss her.

I'd probably wait til your child is old enough to understand the concept of a sleepover and therefore be more likely to see it as an adventure. My 19mo hasn't slept away from us because there's been no reason for her to as yet.

Don't cut your nose off to spite your fave though. Make use of her desire to be a close person in her life to your advantage. Hair cuts, shopping, hobbies, time to yourself to get things done in the house etc

Original poster
cocoloc · 30/03/2019 22:50

Owwlie- one of my sisters has babysat once for two hours but that was for an emergency hospital appointment when SIL was at work so she wasn't able to have her.

This was months ago and my sister reported that DD was unsettled the whole time. SIL did bring this up the other day that its unfair that she hasnt had her yet when my sister had her months ago.

Maybe I will feel better about this when DD is older. It isn't just occasionally that she wants her she was saying to DH that she could have her one day per week as she finishes at midday so she could collect her from nursery and have her overnight.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/03/2019 22:55

She is being completely unreasonable, and quite frankly very creepy. She does not have the right to claim ownership or one on one time with YOUR child. It's just beyond bizarre. If she wants to have that much time alone with a baby she can bloody well have her own.

Original poster
cocoloc · 30/03/2019 22:57

Thanks for all your replies. I am going to leave this thread here. I am going to say no to sleepovers now but I can see that I am BU to say no forever and just see how I feel when she gets older. I think I was just shocked by the bedroom thing. Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
poglets · 30/03/2019 22:59

You are totally entitled to say no. Go about it in the right way and be oblivious to any upset. That's your boundary.

PauciloquentBumfuzzle · 30/03/2019 23:02

Aunties are amazingly useful, especially when your kid hits the battle of the teenagers. They can be your children's great friends, trusted confidante and far more fun than mother!! Wait til you're happy your little one is old enough.

Cherrysoup · 30/03/2019 23:02

You aren’t BU to say no forever. It’s a bit weird! Is she trying to see how it would be to have her own dc? You’re the mum, it’s up to you if you allow her the time 1-1, but I don’t understand these people who try to insist that they have other people’s dc alone for whatever reason.

MetroToy · 30/03/2019 23:02

YANBU at all. No way at 10 mo, and I'd just wait until she's older and you see how you feel.

All those saying I'd love this, yeah, right. The OP has said she's not comfortable, would you really love it if someone kept pestering you?

namechange3858383572 · 30/03/2019 23:10

YANBU it's completely up to you. I get similar pressure and I hate it. To me it does not matter on the child's age either only do it if your happy to.

Cecedrake8989 · 31/03/2019 06:06

I agree with you. It's unnecessary and overstepping a boundary.