Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To not want DD staying with SIL

45 replies

cocoloc · 30/03/2019 22:07

Dd is 10 months old. Since she was born SIL has made it clear that she wants 1:1 time with her which I gave brushed off. She used to take her off me when she was really little and hold her for hours, even when she would start to cry she was reluctant to give her back and I ended up snatching her back a few times.

For the last few months DD has had a clingy phase and wouldn't go to her at all so the stopped asking for her and I thought the novelty had worn off but I have found out the she has been asking DH for 1:1 time with her and has made her a bedroom in her home for sleepovers when she gets a little bit older.

I discussed with DH that I am not happy with this and I don't mind her having her for an hour while I pop out but I don't want her doing sleepovers. DH is happy to go with what I think but thinks we should allow it when she gets to around 2 years old as he used to sleep at his aunties and loved it but I don't want her to. AIBU to think that I didn't have a baby to pass her off to other people?

I really don't understand why family members insist on 1:1 time. SIL visits at least once a week for several hours and spends the whole time with DD so why does she need her by herself?

OP posts:

lboogy · 31/03/2019 06:12

YANBU. It's very presumptuous of her to set up a room for your dd. And it's even more understandable why you're annoyed since you work ft

Disfordarkchocolate · 31/03/2019 06:28

I'd have been shocked by the bedroom thing, big fat boundary stomping right there.

Bibijayne · 31/03/2019 06:46

My mum explained 1:1 desire to me really well. She said it's about being able to play and do kid things and focus entirely on the child and your relationship with them - without the distraction of having to have adult conversation.

I totally get that.

But my mum also said family shouldn't harass new parents to do more than they're comfortable with.

cloudymelonade · 31/03/2019 06:51

YANBU at this age but I can certainly see it from her point of view too. It's pretty normal for aunties to have their nieces over and it can be such a wonderful relationship, she's probably just a bit over excited about it.
If I were you, I wouldn't brush her off entirely as you may be super grateful for her help when DD is a bit older, don't want to burn that bridge now.

HennyPennyHorror · 31/03/2019 06:54

Just reiterate "No sleepovers until I feel she's ready"

Don't deviate from this. Give variations of the same sentence.

"No, she's not ready"
"No sleepovers"
"NO"

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 31/03/2019 06:56

Yanbu. Don’t give in on this until you feel both you and your dd are ready.

Jackshouse · 31/03/2019 06:57

This sounds more about what the sil wants than what’s good for DD.

Bluelonerose · 31/03/2019 07:04

If you don't feel comfortable with your child over night that is fine and she has to respect that.

Fwiw my niece is 1 and I have never babysat her. I've told my sil that I'm here if she wants/needs help with babysitting etc even though in reality I I'm desperate to babysit and would love her overnight but I wouldn't say that too sil yet as it just wouldn't feel right.
Maybe your sil is just excited about being an aunty and just isn't coming across very well?

CarpetGate · 31/03/2019 07:07

YABU. What is your problem, exactly? You sound crazy when you say that you "snatched" your DD from her aunt and that you didn't have a baby to pass her off onto other people. Your overbearing, needlessly contorlling attitude is not healthy, and not at all good for DD.

LagunaBubbles · 31/03/2019 07:08

AIBU to think that I didn't have a baby to pass her off to other people?

The more people that can love your child the better. So glad my Mum didn't think like you and I stayed at my Grans (my Dad's Mum) a lot during my childhood, have lots of memories I still cherish. This isn't "getting passed off". OK your SIL does sound a bit OTT at the moment. But it's not weird or creepy.

user1474894224 · 31/03/2019 07:11

It takes a village to raise a child. Whilst I agree 10 months is too young for sleep overs, do encourage a lovely relationship between your SiL and your daughter. It will be special for them both forever. Why not arrange for you and your daughter to stay at hers one evening? She can do breakfast for you while you lie in?

BeanBag7 · 31/03/2019 07:12

"AIBU to think that I didn't have a baby to pass her off to other people?"

You work full time. So presumably you "pass her off to other people" during the working day (unless your partner is a SAHD). so why is that ok, but a family member looking after her occasionally not?

Maybe 10 months is too young. My daughter started having sleepovers at around 12 months because she no longer needed breastmilk to go to bed at night. She is 2 now and loves having sleepovers at her grandparents. It's good for me too as there is somewhere for her to stay when I'm ill or want to go for a night out.

MistyMinge · 31/03/2019 07:13

At this moment in time YANBU, but if you still have this attitude in another couple of years then yabu.

I loved having my niece to stay when she was younger. At that point I had no children of my own. We have a good bond and I loved to spoil her. I love her dearly. I don't think it's wierd she's set up a room for her. Be grateful she takes an interest. Would the odd night here and there when she's a bit older really be such a problem?

Di11y · 31/03/2019 07:16

it's up to you and she needs to respect that, but there's a big difference between 10months and 2 years. you don't know how you'll feel in a year.

Carpetburns · 31/03/2019 07:39

You'll be grateful for this in the years to come. I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss

Strugglingmum73 · 31/03/2019 08:18

Wow, as a parent I’d love this. What if your little girl wants to have sleepovers with her Aunt?

swingofthings · 31/03/2019 08:25

6ou can do what you want but it is a selfish thing to do to deny kids to build a bond with a close family member. Children are not our possessions and we should encourage them to build strong relstionsholip with the people who are also keen to share their love. I would have loved to have an aunt to go on sleepovers. My SIL looked after my DD for a while when I worked and they build a special bond as a result.

I can understand some nervousness of living her overnight at 10 months old but I think too is a great age to do it. Why are you so defensive at the idea?

BottleOfJameson · 31/03/2019 10:15

I think getting a room ready is a bit much but you're also being a bit odd to deny any sleepovers even when she's older (unless there are issuesyiu haven't mentioned). It's wonderful for a child to have close extended family and yes when they're older that involves 1-1 time. I wouldn't have had either of mine stay over without me until around 3 (and only then with family they were already close to) but it would be weird to say it'll never happen.

HotpotLawyer · 31/03/2019 10:28

It seems odd to me for family members to expect (much less demand) sleepovers and 121 time with young children.

Offering is great “ if you need a babysitter, even over night, you only have to ask, i’ll Be more than happy to have her” is what happens in my family.

10 montb olds are at peak separation anxiety , and I wouldn’t be doing anything that was solely for the benefit of an adult.

She is not a glorified doll.

But it will be nice for her to have an engaged and willing aunty when she is older, so keep the contact up.

nokidshere · 31/03/2019 10:43

I used to love having my sisters children (lots of sisters, lots of children) when they were small. I didn't live close to any of them so they would always stay over for at least two nights and sometimes a week or more in the school holidays. Often we would have children from more than one family together. We had a ball, my sisters got a break and it was lovely having such a good relationship with them.

I don't understand why people see their families taking a genuine interest in their children as creepy or inappropriate (unless there's a back story). They are all grown up now, some with children of their own, but they still meet up, still stay with each other (or any of their "aunties") and have lovely memories from when they were younger. And now their children spend time (without their parents) at each other's homes too.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread