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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mothers Day card for dads gf

47 replies

WonderGirl11 · 28/03/2019 10:59

One of many Mothers Day AIBU. I probably am. But I am also sad about this stupid thing! I will be very glad when it’s Monday. Ordinary Monday.

I dropped my almost 3yr old DD at nursery and she had made two Mothers Day cards EXACTLY the same. One for me and one for her dads gf. Who is NOT her mother. And has no responsibility for looking after her. And who she doesn’t see that much. Obviously in no way whatsoever her fault. But it feels like a massive kick in the guts. As a single parent the only thing I will get for Mother’s Day is that card.

OP posts:

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 28/03/2019 11:02

You've raised a child who likes doing nice things for people. Shrug it off. In the great scheme of things, it's not worth getting up tight about. You're her mother, that's all that matters

SosigDog · 28/03/2019 11:03

I’d find that totally inappropriate and would be speaking to nursery to ensure they understand that she only has one mother. Petty but it would totally piss me off. The other card would go in the bin.

JacquesHammer · 28/03/2019 11:06

Shrug it off. In the great scheme of things, it's not worth getting up tight about. You're her mother, that's all that matters

Absolutely this.

Pinkbutton85 · 28/03/2019 11:06

I would be pissed and the GF definitely would not be receiving it!

Original poster

WonderGirl11 · 28/03/2019 11:06

Thank you both. I totally agree PlainSpeaking. My head knows that for sure. My emotional response today is more in line with SosigDog!!

OP posts:

TheYoungOffendersMum · 28/03/2019 11:08

Different situations means some split families have step parents involved who are kind and helpful and loving, and who do a lot with and for the child(ren) involved.

So it's nice if these step parents can be given cards.

Not every situation is like that, understandably.

I'd be upset in your position unless the step parent was really lovely, genuinely kind and nice, and did a lot for my children at visitation.

3boysandabump · 28/03/2019 11:10

I bought a Father's Day card for my step father every year until he died. I lived 50/50 with both parents and my dad was always my dad but it was nice to show my step dad that I appreciated everything he did for me too.

Having said all that though it's odd for nursery to do that unless she asked them if she could make two?

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 28/03/2019 11:10

My DD loves making cards for people for any reason whatsoever. She insisted on making one for our builder when we had some work done the other week. I'm sure she knows who her Mum is and that it's no reflection at all on your relationship. She probably just really enjoyed making the card so wanted to do another one.

I can see why it's upset you though

ThisMustBeMyDream · 28/03/2019 11:11

Honestly? Be grateful that she made you one. What she makes others has no bearings on how she feels about her mum.

My partners daughter who is 2 was asked who she wanted to make a card for. She said ninny (that is her nickname for me). So she made me one, not her mum. BUT i am under no illusion where her loyalties lie and how much she favours her mum. In that moment, she was given a choice, and she made one. It isn't reflective of anything she feels.

I hope you have a lovely mothers day with your daughter. I had to plan my own for years. I've had some dreadful mothers days over the last 17 years. I get it. I really do. But it isn't worth being upset over. It was just your daughter showing kindness to another.

Lemonsquinky · 28/03/2019 11:13

I can see why you are hurt. But maybe your dd likes her and didn't realise (because she's so young,) how it could be upsetting. Most dcs don't realise that grown ups have feelings. You know that you are the most important woman in her life. You will be the one she wants when she's ill. You are her whole world and no one can replace you.

Lllot5 · 28/03/2019 11:13

I’d be spitting chips over this. No way would that card be given to gf no way. Furthermore I’d give the nursery both barrels too fucking cheek.

Original poster

WonderGirl11 · 28/03/2019 11:15

Some difference between step parent and dads gf I think. They only been together a few months.

Total respect to all hard working step parents!

OP posts:

Original poster

WonderGirl11 · 28/03/2019 11:23

And thanks to you all for not making me feel silly. I absolutely understand she was just being sweet and enjoying making the cards and I am definitely the one she runs to in times of trouble!

I’m simultaneously pissed at her dad and his gf as they decided to go away this weekend, although it was his weekend to have her. He doesn’t like Mothers Day apparently. I will have the nicest weekend I can with DD!

OP posts:

purpleme12 · 28/03/2019 11:31

Well I have to say this would really hurt me too in spite of what some of the above people say. If you ask me you only have mum/dad. I grew up with stepparents but I never got them mother's or father's Day cards

BlackCatSleeping · 28/03/2019 11:36

I'm confused. Did she ask to make an extra one or did the nursery insist?

If she asked to make it, then I think you should suck it up and be glad that she likes his GF.

If the nursery told her she had to make an extra one, I'd question that with them.

Have a nice weekend with your daughter. I'm a lone parent, but we usually buy in a cake or go somewhere for lunch.

BlackCatSleeping · 28/03/2019 11:36

By "we" obviously I mean "I".

outpinked · 28/03/2019 11:39

I’d be mightily pissed off but my DC have never had a particularly great relationship with exH’s GF (for very good reasons) so this wouldn’t happen. If your DD has a fantastic relationship with her then it’s more understandable and you should let your own insecurities fall by the wayside. It’s great for children to have a stable relationship with their parents new partner’s where possible.

Original poster

WonderGirl11 · 28/03/2019 11:41

I never got my dads partner a card either. I think she’s great. I make sure to get her nice birthday and Christmas gifts. She isn’t my parent though and I never had any inckling from her she expected anything for Mother’s Day.

Other people do things differently I guess!

OP posts:

ChanandlerBongsLeftShoe · 28/03/2019 11:43

I'm assuming your daughter asked to make a second card and wasn't forced to by the nursery?

Why would the nursery stop her from making a second card if she wanted to? It's not for them to dictate which relationships they think she should value. And to be honest, it isn't for you to either unless it's a particularly unhealthy one.

Honestly I understand why you're upset, it would sting me too but saying 'theres no way his GF is getting this card' is a bit cruel. Not to the GF but to your daughter, if she wants to give this card to her she should be able to.

Is the GF particularly awful? How long has she been around? Is there something she's done in the past that makes you so angry that your daughter may have wanted to give her a card?

I think you need to be happy (through gritted teeth maybe) that your daughter obviously likes this woman which would imply she treats her well when at her dad's.

Original poster

WonderGirl11 · 28/03/2019 11:43

And I’m not sure exactly what nursery said to her as they just gave me two identical cards!

OP posts:

Original poster

WonderGirl11 · 28/03/2019 11:45

No way would they force her to make an extra card! My guess is they asked if she wanted to make anyone else a Mothers Day card and she chose to.

OP posts:

ChanandlerBongsLeftShoe · 28/03/2019 11:46

and I never had any inckling from her she expected anything for Mother’s Day

But what makes you think she's expected this? She may have no idea your daughter has made her a card.

Unless she has asked your DD to make her a mother's day card I don't think your anger can be placed in the direction of the GF.

CabbageHippy · 28/03/2019 11:47

I always without fail send my step mother a card & flowers even though I have only known her as an adult but it means the world to her.

DSS on the other hand I get nothing from even though i've fed him, washed his dirty clothes etc etc every other weekend for the past 11 years & it's fine because i'm actually not his mother

ChanandlerBongsLeftShoe · 28/03/2019 11:49

I think you need to try really hard not to take this so personally. You are her mother, everyone including your DD knows that.

She has chosen to make another card for her Dad's GF and as she has asked to do this, I think the right thing to do would be to let her give it.

You say yourself the GF is nice so I think these are your issues (and most people would have them too!) that you need to deal with without letting it affect your DD.

NWQM · 28/03/2019 11:52

I totally get why you might be upset. If it helps though my then 3 year old insisted on making her Mother's Day cars for the dog so nursery encouraged her to make two. Her key worker was very (unnecessarily) embarrassed when she gave me the dog's card.

My DD explained that the dog never gets a card so she thought he should.

I do think though that you need a chat with nursery and see who thought of the other card.

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