Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? DH using me as PA / messenger

34 replies

MyKitchenIsATip · 19/03/2019 20:18

DH has a mobile, but it is rarely charged or on him. Unless he's at work (sitting next to his work phone), he's a nightmare to get hold of. As a result, his friends contact me and use me as the go-between, asking me to pass messages on. His friends often tell him what a nightmare he is to get hold of, it's become a bit of a joke. Today, his work colleague FB messaged me to arrange something between him and DH. I told DH I was sick of being used as a PA. In terms of frequency, I probably have to pass messages anywhere from twice a week to once every 1-2 months.

He doesn't see why I'm unhappy about it. He sees it as a small favour that I do for him, and that I should be willing to do for him. It's a small thing, he says. I feel like he's taking the piss.

AIBU?

OP posts:
EleanorRigbey · 19/03/2019 20:22

Of course YANBU. You’ll have to go cold turkey, do not pass on messages to him, equally text people back saying ‘sorry you’ll have to message him directly’. He probably still won’t respond but soon enough people won’t bother contacting him if he never responds but he is obviously happy out with being his PA at the moment.

OffToBedhampton · 19/03/2019 20:23

Yes he is annoying.
No 1-2x week or 1x month isn't much. You can refuse to be his PA ...

Does he prefer smoke signals from his friends or would he like to turn on his PAYG mobile occasionally? (As I can't see it's worth him having a monthly contract on mobile if he doesn't ever look at it?)

He'll.soon learn of you stop relating messages.

Btw Is he 79 & finding this new fangled mobile technology too hard? Why can't his friends contact his work number or him via his work email instead?

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 19/03/2019 20:25

Invoice him...

Original poster
MyKitchenIsATip · 19/03/2019 20:25

OffToBedhampton LOL no, definitely not 79. Just doesn't like to be contactable all the time, apparently. Would prefer things as they were in the 80s when you had to rely on landlines and phone boxes. Except he won't let us have a landline because it costs too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
MyKitchenIsATip · 19/03/2019 20:25

@Easterbunnyiscomingsoon I was thinking of making him pay for an extra food shop a month (we usually split it).

OP posts:
Original poster
MyKitchenIsATip · 19/03/2019 20:26

@EleanorRigbey I'm very tempted to become just as unreliable as he is, just as disorganised / forgetful when it comes to replying to the messages for him.

OP posts:
OffToBedhampton · 19/03/2019 20:28

Feeling like his PA, even if only 1-2x a week takes up your headspace. As you then have to ask him and relay back messages. Way to feel like his mum!!! Sooooo unsexy a role to be put into! That's why i'd suggest replying to his mates to suggest they ring or email him at work instead as you're done arranging playdates.

Original poster
MyKitchenIsATip · 19/03/2019 20:30

@OffToBedhampton this is what I said! That it takes up head space and I'm very precious about that these days.

OP posts:
OffToBedhampton · 19/03/2019 20:31

Come on how old is he? ... 73 then?
As it's great he wants to go quiet and not use a mobile but if he refuses a landline, and wants to make arrangements with his friends he has to sort something out instead. His mates will just have to contact him at work. He doesn't get to go silent by using you as a secretary to enable his peace at home!! 🙄🤔😁

YellowFish123 · 19/03/2019 20:31

All depends on whether or not you work full time for me. If you're a SAHM or work part time, I think it's really part of your role in supporting the working parent to perform general house admin duties like passing on messages or taking phone calls etc.

OffToBedhampton · 19/03/2019 20:33

Ach. Defo become unreliable. Delete his friend's texts and don't listen to their voicemails. He'll soon learn he has to sort something else out.
It's cute arranging playdates for kids but not for grown adults!

Original poster
MyKitchenIsATip · 19/03/2019 20:33

@OffToBedhampton in his 40s and works in IT, so no excuse!

@YellowFish123 we work almost identical hours.

OP posts:
OffToBedhampton · 19/03/2019 20:34

Ah, Yellowfish and his/her obtuseness. I'd swiftly move by that comment if I were you. They have "form"

PuzzlingPuzzle · 19/03/2019 20:35

This would really annoy me too. Stop doing it and tell people to contact him directly. I’d obviously make an exception for a genuine emergency like if someone was in the hospital but otherwise it should be up to him to manage his communications with his friends/colleagues. If he misses out on social stuff then that’s his fault, it’s not difficult to check his phone every so often.

OffToBedhampton · 19/03/2019 20:35

@MyKitchenIsATip

So he will have contact details at work..text those back to his friends and he can sort out his mate arrangements via those.
Don't get pulled into being a PA for your Adult partner at home!! He's a big boy now with long trousers!!

Sexnotgender · 19/03/2019 20:41

Of course YANBU. Just bat all correspondence bar emergencies back saying ‘you’ll have to contact DH’. People will soon stop asking.

OffToBedhampton · 19/03/2019 20:43

I'd be so.tempted to reply to texts or messages from his friends with....

"Dear DPfriend, DPname is over 40 and has his own contact details which are Mob (number), work email (details) and work direct line (number). I have enough on my plate arranging my own stuff. It's deeply unsexy to repeatedly be asked to arrange playdates for him so could you please contact him direct for catch ups . And if he doesn't reply because he likes to go off grid, that's up to him. Thanks so much, MyKitchen"

😂😂

BlueSkiesLies · 19/03/2019 20:44

He must have a work email address? His friends can just msg him on that.

OffToBedhampton · 19/03/2019 20:46

But IRL I'd just do what @Sexnotgender said ..
"Please talk to DH direct. Here's his work no./details"

ReanimatedSGB · 19/03/2019 20:57

Yup, just give them his details and refuse to take messages. If he gets stroppy about it, ask him why he thinks you are his employee or a servant.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 19/03/2019 21:08

I had this with DH about 20 years ago. He just didn't want to be contactable so would deliberately leave his phone behind, but would give my phone number as a back up to a few people, I think those few sometimes passed my number on to others who were desperate to contact him. After a few months I ended up just saying "sorry, wrong number" and leaving everyone to sort it out themselves.

MortyVicar · 19/03/2019 21:45

Just doesn't like to be contactable all the time

That's his choice and he's entitled to make it. But he can't have it both ways - he's not contactable but to make sure he doesn't miss out on anything he gives them your number instead, and expects you to take messages.

If he, for some reason, couldn't use the phone then I'd agree that it's a small thing and of course you'd do it. But he doesn't get to opt out while making sure that you're not allowed to do the same.

YeahNah1980 · 19/03/2019 23:49

Tell him you aren’t passing on messages anymore or just change your number and don’t tell him.

ADHMeeee · 20/03/2019 00:04

As PP says, it's his choice to be uncontactable. You didn't opt in to being his PA. So opt out.

Dutch1e · 20/03/2019 14:23

He's not really uncontactable though is he. He's in contact via you when he could just as easily check his mobile once a day or once a week or whatever.

Agree with PPs who say just drop the task