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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be feeling a bit bloody miffed!

43 replies

CustardCream114 · 14/03/2019 11:55

Hi! Namechanged as my other posts could make this outing!

I'm just having a whinge..

I'm very new to working out, I hate it, I can't get motivated. Until the last couple of weeks. I stopped going after work when it was super busy and started going early. Getting up at 5.30am instead of 7am. I've been loving it, I feel energised all day and really enjoy the quietness in the mornings. I feel confident enough to use various pieces of equipment and there are no queues for things!

My DP (lived together almost 6 years now) comes to bed very late. Usually wakes me up for a cuddle and to say goodnight, so my sleep is broken but I nod back off after around 20 minutes. I go to bed at 10/10.30pm, he follows at anything up to 2am (!).

I changed my working hours last year from 8-4 to 9-5 because I was disturbing him in the morning, and he couldn't get back to sleep. I hate leaving at 5pm as traffic is a nightmare, and a usual 20 minute drive takes up to an hour. But, compromise and all that..

Well, he was really keen on me getting to the gym. He exercises at home and loves sport. I am lucky to be naturally slim but I would like to tone/build muscle and improve my health. He always comments on how my legs are getting bigger and I should do something before it's 'too late'.

I've been told today that the early morning sessions aren't going to work long term, as he can't get back to sleep after I get up (I have a silent alarm and try not to wake him, but I sleep on the side of the bed up against the wall - suggested swapping but he said would make no difference!). He said I need to go after work. I explained all the reasons not to, reminded him of the cancelled membership when I thought that was my only choice (and that was when I finished at 4pm!).

I am really pissed off. I support everything he wants to do, put myself out to fit in with his choices. Yet he can't support this?

FWIW he is self employed and works from home, so doesn't have a regimented start time. I usually hear from him around 9.30am so I assume that's when he's getting up..

AIBU to be really put out by this?

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 14/03/2019 11:59

He sounds like a selfish prick to be honest.

Badwifey · 14/03/2019 11:59

Omg yes. What a dick. The comments on your legs alone is enough to be a dick. Do what works for you.

Badwifey · 14/03/2019 12:01

As an aside.... my Dh gets up at 4.30 some days to go to work. At first it bothered me because no matter how quiet he was he was waking me. It took me ages to get back to sleep. I did talk to him about it... not in a nasty way but the solution I fou d was for me to get to bed earlier instead and get up a bit earlier. No big deal.

Treaclesweet · 14/03/2019 12:01

He is being v.v.reasonable. mostly for telling you to go to the gym in the first place! He can either go to bed earlier, or switch sides.

DoneLikeAKipper · 14/03/2019 12:01

No this is totally ok. Why on earth would you think that a man ‘suggesting’ you tone up ‘before it’s too late’ even though you don’t like the gym, or breaking your sleep ‘for a cuddle’, tip-toe around his precious sleep, or changing your work patterns to suit him, isn’t ok? I mean, why even question it?

I’m sure you can detect the sarcasm, I just don’t understand why you’d possibly need to ask if your test partner is being a twat Hmm. To be quite honest, it’s going to take a huge overhaul of his ways to change this and do you really think he’s going to do it?

mynameiscalypso · 14/03/2019 12:02

Ugh, he sounds horrible. My DH gets up 1-2 hours earlier than me to exercise in the morning. Sometimes I can go back to sleep; often I don't. That's fine though, it makes him happy and he feels so much better for doing it. An hour in bed browsing through mumsnet is hardly a sacrifice for that!

Easterbunnyiscomingsoon · 14/03/2019 12:03

Well we all know the quick route to weight loss op.....

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/03/2019 12:08

He can wake you up when it suits him. You can't, when you're doing something that HE WANTS.

And he comments negatively on your body.

He's a keeper. Hmm

SurgeHopper · 14/03/2019 12:09

What everyone else said

Either tell him to get to fuck or ditch him

k1233 · 14/03/2019 12:12

So it's perfectly ok for him to wake you up at 2am for no good reason, but you can't get up early to go to gym at a time you enjoy? Nah, not on.

LoadOfUtterBoswellocks · 14/03/2019 12:13

YANBU to feel a bit bloody miffed at this shit show. He expects you to tip toe around him, meet his needs and also put yourself through stuff you don't want to do in order to meet his arbitrary standards? He can shunt himself up the khyber with a plastic recorder, frankly, who died and made him Lord and Master??

LoadOfUtterBoswellocks · 14/03/2019 12:14

I also echo the calls for you to lose about 12 stone of useless flesh 'before it's too late'.

Singlenotsingle · 14/03/2019 12:14

It's clear who wears the trousers in your house. And he's saying "jump" - you're saying "how high?" ConfusedShock

MzHz · 14/03/2019 12:14

Listen my dear... this guy is showing you that only his situation and circumstances are of any importance at all

You changed your hours at work to suit him - despite the fact that he doesn’t even have a specific start time! You now battle traffic and take an hour to get home because of his preferences.... you suffer this schlep home and he doesn’t have any reason to legitimately make you out yourself through this!

Now you go to the gym- at a time that works for you, and again - despite the fact that he feels entitled to disturb your sleep a little when he comes to bed at 2am (ffs!) - he’s telling you to give that up and to go when it doesn’t impact on him at all

The thing is, you are being asked to take lol of the impact of your life/work etc to make his mornings marginally more accommodating (to him)

How about you tell him to go to bed at a more sensible hour? No? You’d not dream of telling an adult what time they go to bed? Well he has no qualms in telling you what time to work, what time to exercise and what time to get up!

If I were you I’d change the hours at work back, I’d go to the gym early and then go straight to work, finishing at 4pm.

He needs to understand that he doesn’t get to dictate all this stuff to you, not when he’s not even tied to a specific set of work hours!

Ultimately, this won’t work out if he’s this selfish. Imagine what it’d be like if you had an early waking baby...

Think on, this is all one way. That’s not viable.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 14/03/2019 12:17

What compromises has he made?

He sounds like a selfish, critical dick

MzHz · 14/03/2019 12:17

Oh and the legs quips? Embrace your form! Enjoy the gym and understand that your legs will get more shapely as they get stronger. Do the gym because you want to, because you enjoy it, any changes in shape are happy side effects that are your business only.

I predict this guy would get more and more controlling. You’ll end up a shadow of your self if you go down that route

No bloke is ever worth that

FrozenMargarita17 · 14/03/2019 12:19

He's a knoooooooobbbbb

gamerchick · 14/03/2019 12:20

How about tell him to knob off? You've compromised enough. I wouldn't have even changed my work hours and would have told him to pack in waking me up when he comes to bed though. You're being far too accomodating so now he thinks he can call the shots.

Whynham · 14/03/2019 12:21

Separate bedrooms, then no-one wakes anyone up.

Redwinestillfine · 14/03/2019 12:21

Carry on getting up when you want, switch your hours back and if he says anything tell him that he disturbs you coming into bed at 2am and your legs are just fine thanks ( not that you asked or care about his opinion).

Original poster
CustardCream114 · 14/03/2019 12:22

Haha @Easterbunnyiscomingsoon and @LoadOfUtterBoswellocks !

Thank you all - I knew I wasn't in the wrong. Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying the working out. I am seeing a shape in my lower legs which I've not seen for a good decade!

If I go after work, as well as being busy, the resistance machines and free weights areas full of muscle bound men and not free, I would get there about 6pm, home around 7.30pm. I then have to eat and bathe (I can't eat too much later than 8pm due to health issues). I am a control freak with food so I cook each night. And I like to do 45mins yoga before bed. I just wouldn't have any 'me' time in the evenings.

I'm glad INBU, I will talk to him this evening and say we need to switch sides of the bed and he needs to come to bed earlier!

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 14/03/2019 12:22

What everyone else said.

But also, he’s clearly lying. No on goes to bed at 2 am and then can’t get back to sleep after being woken 3 or so hours later. He just likes controlling you.

I suspect if you admit it to yourself there will be a hell of a lot more things you’ve compromised on. Which in this case, means you doing what he wants.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/03/2019 12:22

He's a selfish twat.

There is no compromise here; it's all about him and his needs.

He actually WAKES YOU UP when he comes to bed at 2am, but then moans that you disturb him when you get up for work? What a twat.

Original poster
CustardCream114 · 14/03/2019 12:25

He doesn't compromise.. at all.. No, tell a lie - he stopped palying loud music at midnight when I was trying to sleep!

We are polar opposites..

I did suggest separate bedrooms (we have space) he said no way are we sleeping apart. I thought it was a good idea during the week so we don't disturb each other..!

OP posts:
yikesanotherbooboo · 14/03/2019 12:34

It's not a question of being polar opposites it is that his life is all about him. Even you doing exercise is about him. He isn't very nice OP.

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