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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand if there’s a concern or not about daughter?

45 replies

MaidofMuswell · 12/03/2019 13:17

I’ve got a diagnosis of postnatal anxiety and OCD and have started sertraline but not really kicked in yet.. The HV has come round today and asked about all my concerns and referred me to some sort of clinic I’ve not heard of where they observe you with your baby. Sounds potentially helpful as might well be am doing things wrong with her but am worried is bevahse they think there’s something wrong with her they need to pick up on. I didn’t really think anything honestly wrong with dd at all but was asked what the triggers were for my anxiety so explained that although dd now 8w smiling earlier at 6w than ds did (got all the photos) she tends to do a big one ie full mouth open and gummy staring at you one a day or so but not every day and then lots of half smaller ones in between when just smiley rather than grinning. When Ds started he was grinning loads so feels quite different - she’s super alert and think just watching her too closely as currently mad and post hospital experience etc. I don’t really understand the clinic we’ve been referred to though as had thought was being referred for counselling but is not that and am worried the HV may think there’s an issue. Does this sound like anxious paranoia or anything to worry about?

OP posts:
sproutsandparsnips · 12/03/2019 13:23

You do sound extremely anxious tbh OP (and I've been there). The clinic sounds something that is to help you and not to assess baby, so I would embrace any help that's going. Thanks

justonemoreminutepls · 12/03/2019 13:23

Hmm I may be missing the point....

Are you asking if your behaviour is concerning or your dd?

I think it's important to remember every child is different and I certainly wouldn't be worried about a baby smiling and the frequency.

xxx

foxsbiscuit · 12/03/2019 13:30

It's hard to understand your post. Is your DD 8 weeks old and you are concerned that she smiles differently (mostly not as often) as your other child? If so there is no way that they are observing her, even if she was 8 months old it is too early to have any child observations due to this.

SRK16 · 12/03/2019 13:30

Taking a rough guess from what you’ve said it could be a kind of therapy where they have mum & baby in the room together. I can’t remember what it’s called (I think a type of psychotherapy) but it may be suggested to mums who are low or anxious and is meant to be very helpful?
Though it may not be that as I’m guessing! Maybe ask your HVbfor clarity, remember they’re just trying to help xx

Original poster
MaidofMuswell · 12/03/2019 13:32

Sorry not been at all clear am definitely feeling bit frantic!! I’m worried they think there’s an issue with her smiling pattern and wondering if it sounds like there is I think... I’m definitely going to embrace all support available as god knows I need it just wonder if it’s just our interactions being observed or anything to do with the baby herself. I thought the milestone was can / do they smile not frequency so was sharing my concerns as what I expected to be told were irrational triggers but she didn’t really say that. We were in hospital for a while after birth following concerns she’d had brain bleeds but all came back clear and I’d been starting to feel ok but not 100% and now this so am worried again. I understand it sounds daft to say I shared concerns and they were listened to and i am now worried, but in my head at least somewhere I felt that the concerns were not rational and was sharing them as an example of irrational intrusive thought not serious concerns and am now not sure what the HV was thinking. Seeing the GP tomorrow who might be able to clarify I hope. Terrified that the irrational concerns are not irrational now.

OP posts:
YoLoHogwomanay · 12/03/2019 13:39

they are going to be watching you (not baby) and your interaction, OP, and risk assess you and baby together. They want to ensure baby's safety with you, your ability to cope, etc.

Don't worry too much about this (easy to say I know), and just act as you normally would. I'm sure they will have no real concerns. You just need to have your eyes open about these sort of safeguarding procedures, and also ask them questions about the process if you are worried.

They are not concerned about your baby smiling at 6 weeks old.

lilabet2 · 12/03/2019 13:41

It sounds like there are two things going on- 1. you are feeling very anxious and worrying about little details, as well as suffering OCD; 2. your baby had a difficult start and the hospital were initially concerned but are no longer worried.

I don't think it's helpful for everyone to think that you're just anxious. You might be over-the-top with your anxiety but that doesn't mean it's irrational- there's a very rational reason behind it- your daughter was kept in to rule out a brain injury. It sounds like she's ok now but most Mums would probably worry a bit.

However it sounds like the HV was just making a referral to mother-baby unit so that a therapist can ensure that your anxiety is not too overwhelming and not as though she was sharing any concerns about your baby's smile.

JuniperGinYay · 12/03/2019 13:41

It does sound like it’s more a therapy for you and ensuring you’re bonded?
Ask if they have leaflets or a website for you to look at before hand, I found when anxious it helps hugely to see where I’m going and know a little about it

Celebelly · 12/03/2019 13:43

It doesn't sound like anything to do with the smiling, more that they want to observe you together as they/you have concerns about how you're coping? And they want to see you together so they can help out and check you're both safe?

justonemoreminutepls · 12/03/2019 13:44

I understand it sounds daft to say I shared concerns and they were listened to

Not at all!!!

It honestly sounds like your very anxious and struggling, and that the therapy is for you.

Take care of yourself xx

MaidofMuswell · 12/03/2019 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MaidofMuswell · 12/03/2019 13:46

Thanks everyone - photos didn’t upload but that’s probably for the best in terms of this becoming identifying though not many mates IRL come on here I don’t think. Thanks for being lovely - taking the kids to softplay and waiting for this to pass :) thanks again. Eugh I hate this!

OP posts:
Original poster
MaidofMuswell · 12/03/2019 13:48

Oh they did upload :) ah well, will leave them there as value your guys thoughts!

OP posts:
TescoValue · 12/03/2019 13:51

In the nicest and kindest way possible, you're worrying about absolutely nothing. That is a gorgeous smiling beaming baby! Just because it's not a big gummy smile doesn't mean it's not a smile, and worrying about the frequency of a baby smiling at less than 2 months old is most definitely just your anxiety saying something is wrong, at that age it is absolutely nothing to worry about. She's clearly happy (in those photos at least) so if I were you I'd try to relax, enjoy the baby and take on any and all support.

Tinty · 12/03/2019 13:53

She looks as happy as larry a perfectly lovely smiley baby, beautiful and bonny. I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Let the medication work and try to enjoy your happy smiling baby. My DS did the huge mouth smiles. DD didn't, both perfectly fine and smiley babies.

Witchend · 12/03/2019 13:54

You sound as though you're looking for things to worry about.

They are different even at that age. For mine:
Dd1 smiled at 5 weeks. That big wide toothless grin. She smiled during the night feed two nights running, then discovered doing it during the day was fun too. Then she smiled if anyone (or a camera) came near her.
Dd2 didn't smile like that. I wasn't totally sure at 4 months that she'd actually smiled. If she had it was with a closed mouth. She was just a more serious baby. If anyone spoke to her she glared. (or cried)
Ds smiled at 1 week. Again the big open mouth smile. He smiled at anything that could be considered to be a face-even a picture or a soft toy and then babbled at it.

As a toddler (and even now as teens) dd2 was the smiliest and the other two are quite serious, so it didn't show anything.

Tinty · 12/03/2019 13:55

Oh and she is gorgeous, I almost definitely not happening at 47 want another one now.

Original poster
MaidofMuswell · 12/03/2019 13:56

Thank you so much - I just didn’t really think there were different kinds of baby smiling weirdly - but I do think / hope this is nothing and if it wasn’t this would be (as it was last week) worries about sleeping too much or too little. Right. Onwards and upwards - thank you so so much :)

OP posts:
Littlebluebird123 · 12/03/2019 13:59

Those look like a baby smiling. She's so cute. :)

It sounds much more like the anxiety talking. It sounds like you had a rough start so it's totally understandable that you would be anxious.
My first was prem and it was so stressful. She was hospitalised several times over the next 3 years, mainly due to breathing difficulties and I became quite anxious (but understandable I think.) I have some PTSD symptoms too, even though she's fine and has been for years now.
It sounds to me like the HV has referred you so that they can see how your anxiety is affecting things. It may even be that they'll see baby smiling and be able to point out positives to alleviate your stresses.
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Anxiety is so horrible.

Lndnmummy · 12/03/2019 13:59

Hey OP, I think that they might be following up to help you with your anxiety? Your posts are very similar to how I felt after my first was born. I too was medicated for PN anxiety and I was very concerned that my son had a hereditary heart condition (my dad and my cousin have). When he was referred to the Evelina cardiologist I was terrified but I think that the babies are so so tiny that they tend to follow up on almost every issue. I really feel for you, it’s awful to feel like this (I’m currently medicated with child number 2 for PN anxiety).
Instead of “trying not to worry” which is impossible - like trying not to cough with a chest infection, try to accept the anxiety. This has helped me somewhat while waiting for themeds to kick in. So try telling yourself “hello anxiety, it’s you again you silly devil. I recognise you and I’m dealing with you, you will be a distant memory soon. I can’t wait to get rid of you etc etc.

Most of all, just hang in there OP. It will get so much better.

HeritageCarrot · 12/03/2019 14:00

I can so relate to your post. What a beautiful (smiley) little girl you have. I know what it’s like to analyse every single smile, days where they don’t seem to smile as much, roll over as much and the feeling of dread and panic that something’s wrong. We had a fraught start too and it can really up your hyper vigilance and in my case, completely spoil the first few years with your baby.

You’re right to get any support offered and it’s true that anti depressants can make you feel more anxious /depressed initially.

I just want to let you know you’re not alone. It’s crap and exhausting feeling on red alert 24 hours a day. It will get better with support and the right medication. Look after yourself and know that how you feel now is not now you’ll feel all the time.

I won’t say relax and enjoy your baby because when you feel like this it’s almost impossible to do that. If only we had a relax and enjoy button we could switch on it would be so easy. But you will feel better. Your baby is a little smasher .

AnneOfCleanTables · 12/03/2019 14:01

She's gorgeous!
I don't think the HV is worried about her smiling. I think she's just offering support because of your anxiety.
You might want to ask MN to delete the pics since they are quite identifying.
Enjoy your day at the soft play Flowers

HeritageCarrot · 12/03/2019 14:02

The first few years were spoiled for me because I got no support either medical or from partner or family. With help I’m sure I’d have felt better much much quicker btw.

Springwalk · 12/03/2019 14:02

I would embrace their support op.

Your baby looks perfect, and this is definitely the anxiety talking. If she had a brain injury you would see other symptoms - smiling lots or otherwise is unlikely to be one of them.
The hospital would not have discharged your baby if they thought there was even the smallest chance she had anything medically wrong with her.

Do you have support with your baby op? Are you getting lots of help?

The HVs are there to help you both. Good luck Flowers

Springwalk · 12/03/2019 14:04

Please talk to your family and dp about this, are they aware of how you are feeling? The more they can do to support you now, the better things will be for you and your lovely baby.