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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy SIL a plane ticket?

44 replies

Planeticket · 26/02/2019 19:32

I'm kicking myself because last year SIL and I did not get along. She made an enemy out of me, and we tried to keep her at a distance (dh would talk to her all the time but I wouldn't because she was upset we got married). Anyways this culminated to dh's parents re-writing their will and allocating 75% to SIL and 25% to dh. I honestly don't care about money and wills but I was tired of the stress of family in-fighting so we tried to make amends. I offered to fly SIL and MIL to visit us from South Africa this Xmas.

Right now we have become short of money unexpectedly, we had to pay for car repairs and the money I wanted to use for plane tickets has gone to fix the car. We currently have cc debt and I don't want to add to it.

AIBU to have dh tell his family that we cannot afford the plane tickets because of unforeseen expenses?

OP posts:
Whereareyouspot · 26/02/2019 19:34

What is Dh’s take on the situation? Surely he knows you don’t have the money to fly them over.

gamerchick · 26/02/2019 19:35

I wouldn't have offered in the first place.

Maybe suggest due to unforseen financial circumstances that they'll have to put off their trip until you have money again?

Original poster
Planeticket · 26/02/2019 19:36

My dh understands but I know he wants to just put it on the cc. I want us to pay down our debt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Planeticket · 26/02/2019 19:36

gamerchick that's a good idea

OP posts:
Theknacktoflying · 26/02/2019 19:38

Flights during Xmas are ££££.

Is there any way you can delay ?

SpiritedLondon · 26/02/2019 19:39

Hmmmm it seems like there is an aspect of this falling out that you haven’t really explained - covered by the phrase “she made an enemy of me”. I think if you honestly can’t afford the tickets then you’re going to have to tell them but I would think carefully about how you tell them. If you genuinely want them to come ( rather then paying lip service) then I would explain it as a postponement rather than a cancellation and start discussing a time later in the year when the trip could be moved to.

OlennasWimple · 26/02/2019 19:40

If you haven't got the money, you haven't got the money

I always recommend putting plane tickets on a credit card, because of the added protection you get, but only when you know that you have the cash to pay it off straight away

RomanyQueen1 · 26/02/2019 19:42

I'd have nothing to do with the lot of them, I'm surprised your dh is after his parents obviously favour their daughter.
Let her have the other 25% and have nothing to do with them.
I can't stand people who hold inheritance over their dc, which is what your ils are doing.

Original poster
Planeticket · 26/02/2019 19:43

spiritedlondon it's a really long story but she wasn't happy her brother got married and never really expected it because he never had a gf before me. He was helping her out financially (getting his nephews iPads and things) but this stopped when we got married because we wanted to get a house so we needed to be more responsible plus he was in a lot of debt.

OP posts:
GoGoGadgetGin · 26/02/2019 19:48

Why don't your in-laws use the 75% or even some of this inheritance and pay for their own tickets?

frazzledasarock · 26/02/2019 19:48

No way would I put airline tickets or major expenses on credit cards, unless I could pay the balance off before interest kicks in. You’d be mad to do that.

Say you don’t have the money. And don’t invite them. Why would you want her around if she’s sulking because her brother is no longer financing a lavish lifestyle for her?

She can buy her tickets and iPads with her 75% Inheritance.

BlueMerchant · 26/02/2019 19:50

Tell them due to unforeseen circumstances you can no longer afford it. They are welcome to come but will have to pay for themselves. If they don't empathise with you then forget them. They don't sound very nice people anyway. I wouldn't have offered to pay in the first place and if zi had been them I wouldn't have accepted your offer if you have 'history'.

mummmy2017 · 26/02/2019 19:53

Tell them Brexit is causing job and money worries, and so you need to delay by a year

AllTheGoodUsernamesTaken · 26/02/2019 19:54

Say you don’t have the money. And don’t invite them. Why would you want her around if she’s sulking because her brother is no longer financing a lavish lifestyle for her?
this

sonjadog · 26/02/2019 19:56

If they have money to divide up in an inheritance, they have money to buy their own plane tickets.

NotStayingIn · 26/02/2019 19:59

It's quite a leap from you and SIL not getting along, to your Dh's parents re-writing their will... Surely there must be more to this then his sister not being happy about her brother being in a relationship.

If they really changed their will for the reasons you mentioned then its neither here nor there if you buy them a plane ticket - they are bonkers and if not this then something else will soon cause a new fall out.

PinaColada1 · 26/02/2019 20:00

I have a sil who does not like me, and no way would I be trying to make amends. It’s different if you have in any way contributed to the conflict, however if you haven’t done anything, then there’s nothing you can do.

I do however think that once you offer something, you shouldn’t restrict it. But if they don’t care about you, then I wouldn’t care either. Just don’t offer again!

winterisstillcoming · 26/02/2019 20:01

If you retract your offer, it will make them see you as the person who is withdrawing their treats, as it stopped when you came along. Cave brain will lead them to think it's your fault, not the fact that your DH's circumstances and priorities have changed.

Therefore, try and get DH to tell them. If he doesn't, then the problem is between you and DH, not between you and your SIL.

However, in circumstances like these, a compromise may be reached - agree to pay half (I wouldn't myself), or 'postpone' until you can afford it.

If you do withdraw the offer, do apologise as you promised them a holiday that you can't afford.

TedAndLola · 26/02/2019 20:02

I'm guessing the family's version of this story is very different and a lot closer to the truth.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 26/02/2019 20:06

That’s a very expensive gesture TBH. Also would they fully appreciate coming over in the middle of the summer to the miserable gloom of Britian and a very over commercialised Britian? And it puts a strain on you over one of the busiest times of the year.

Personally I would worry about giving them more ammunition to fire at me if I didn’t follow through what I had said I’d do.
I would get a new CC with a zero interest deal and fly them over in June. Much cheaper flights, nicer weather here ( less so there) and stuff to do so you’re out if each other’s hair. You want to make amends and you are getting 25% of something when she eventually goes.

StoneofDestiny · 26/02/2019 20:06

Tell them you cannot afford to pay their tickets and why. Not sure why you are paying, but if you feel obliged to pay, tell them you will need to defer to another year.

XingMing · 26/02/2019 20:07

I get that you would like to mend a family rift, although you didn't cause it, but it sounds as if you're rowing up Sh*t Creek without much paddle. SIL and PIL need to be bought to be brought around? And your DH is not inheriting equally with his sister? Someone somewhere has their priorities very wrong. I think Brexit concerns over money and jobs offer an impersonal get out of jail card here; postpone their visit until the issues are more settled.

caughtinanet · 26/02/2019 20:08

If they have money to divide up in an inheritance, they have money to buy their own plane tickets

Not necessarily true at all, my own parents are lucky enough to live in a house that's fully paid for that will be worth something when sold but currently only have pensions that can pay the running costs of the house. Asset rich and cash poor is very much a thing for many older couples

There seems to have been lots of threads recently about people supporting their siblings, in this case you can no longer afford the tickets so the only sensible thing is to apologise and postpone the offer

IvanaPee · 26/02/2019 20:09

She made an enemy of you.

Then PIL rewrote their will, which you don’t care about.

Then you offered to fly the enemy and the MIL to South Africa because apropos of nothing you wanted to make up.

And now you can’t fly them over...

Wtf?!

XingMing · 26/02/2019 20:09

I also think, like TedNLola that there may be another version of history playing out in which the OP is not the good guy.

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