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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not buy SIL a plane ticket?

44 replies

Planeticket · 26/02/2019 19:32

I'm kicking myself because last year SIL and I did not get along. She made an enemy out of me, and we tried to keep her at a distance (dh would talk to her all the time but I wouldn't because she was upset we got married). Anyways this culminated to dh's parents re-writing their will and allocating 75% to SIL and 25% to dh. I honestly don't care about money and wills but I was tired of the stress of family in-fighting so we tried to make amends. I offered to fly SIL and MIL to visit us from South Africa this Xmas.

Right now we have become short of money unexpectedly, we had to pay for car repairs and the money I wanted to use for plane tickets has gone to fix the car. We currently have cc debt and I don't want to add to it.

AIBU to have dh tell his family that we cannot afford the plane tickets because of unforeseen expenses?

OP posts:

Margot33 · 26/02/2019 20:10

I wouldn't pay for something that I couldn't afford. You'll regret getting further into debt. I would tell the truth, that we 're in debt and cannot afford it for this Christmas. But that we will try for next Xmas. Put yourselves first.

Jaxhog · 26/02/2019 20:15

Wow! Dh's parents have cut his inheritance, SiL is upset he married you and cut off her money stream, and you've offered to pay for Mil and Sil to fly to you from S Africa at Xmas?? Are you mad?

You can't afford it. Don't do it. Ever.

Drum2018 · 26/02/2019 20:20

Just tell them you can no longer offer them a trip to see you - end of. Don't say postpone, some other time, hopefully next year ... Don't offer them anything, ever. Stop pandering to them.

AlexaAmbidextra · 26/02/2019 20:24

Tbh I’m surprised you offered to fly them over anyway. If an unforeseen car expense means you now don’t have the money then you really couldn’t afford a grand gesture in the first place. I certainly wouldn’t feel bad about it though. I think your DH is unreasonable wanting to get into debt to please someone who has been unpleasant to you.

Original poster

Planeticket · 26/02/2019 20:26

Ok I'll try to go in to this long story a bit:

DH and I eloped in California. He didn't tell his family because they wanted him to have a wedding but we didn't have the money. According to them, he never lied to them until he met me so I was the bad guy for this but I told him to tell them we were eloping but he was dead set against the idea of telling them. They found out because my husband was on Skype and they saw a picture in the background. They were very very angry about this (understandably).
After I gave birth to twins, my SIL caught typhoid and I told her she couldn't come to visit until I was sure she wasn't contagious. She got really offended because typhoid is contagious for quite a while (I researched this) and she felt like she was fine to visit but I said no.
MIL always took SIL's side so again, I was always the witch and I tried to just ignore them/not talk to them. This seriously stressed my DH when my MIL called him to tell him that the will had been changed.

I tried to make amends by offering this idea of paying and flying them out, but I didn't know are debt would balloon and I really want to get a handle of it.

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 26/02/2019 20:30

It's a tricky situation, you will have to tell them you can't afford it, but I suspect it will damage the relationship more. I would definitely make sure you let them know that you are sorry for messing them around.

If you are wanting to salvage the relationship then maybe try emailing or sitting more regularly?

Stompythedinosaur · 26/02/2019 20:31

Sitting = skyping

Stompythedinosaur · 26/02/2019 20:32

Having read your update, they sound a bit crazy, and possibly it won't be the end of the world if the relationship stays as it is!

LittlePaintBox · 26/02/2019 20:34

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it, and you need to tell them. What alternative is there? Putting it on a credit card is no answer if you're trying to pay off your debts. I wouldn't worry about their feelings, as they're not worried about your DH's feelings about the will.

Springwalk · 26/02/2019 20:43

Wow

This is not good. You are grown ups you can elope if you want to!

IvanaPee · 26/02/2019 20:47

So your dh caused it and now wants to get into more debt flying them out cause the will has been changed?

Springwalk · 26/02/2019 20:51

No way would l be paying for flight tickets. Not now not ever.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/02/2019 21:01

This sounds awful for you.
Your SIL sounds like a complete cow, wanting to visit two newborns despite not having the all clear from typhoid and then throwing a tantrum about it until MIL decides to cut her son's inheritance in half and hand it to SIL. (wtf?)
To make it up to them you offer to pay to fly them to you from SA. Een though you only eloped in the first place because you were too broke for a wedding. Now you have twins and not enough savings to cover car repairs.
Having to pay them when you are hard up and have two babies to provide for is just not on.
You or rather DH will have to tell them the offer is withdrawn.As Ivana said, he caused it by not telling them in the first place, even though you asked him to.
They will probably have another fit at this, but ultimately, I don't think paying their airfare was really going to make people who behave in such a tantrum ridden and spiteful way suddenly like you or forgive you. They've got a lovely grievance to knaw on.
It's awful for you, but they don't deserve to have you piling up debt on their behalf after the way they have behaved. If they loved DH, they would want him to be happy, not behave like this.
You are very lucky they live in South Africa.

kateandme · 26/02/2019 21:10

make it seem like you still want them to come "we are unfortunately having job and money worries so wont be able to pay,but is there anyway you could buy them because we would still love you to come?"

kateandme · 26/02/2019 21:13

please don't make yourself more unself with more debt.its one of the worst and most crippling things to have in your life.your family comes first right now.
if you put more on ur card its a ripple effect.it will impact your stress.your emotions your family life.debt is fucking awful epxeically right now in the current climate.get it under control or it never will be.there is always something to put paying it off-off. what happens if next time there is a death,or something to fix in the house.no this is deff one time you can do smoething about it by paying it and cutting this cost.do so.

CalmdownJanet · 26/02/2019 21:15

No way pay for the flight. I'd offer her the remaining 25% just to not have to ever see her again

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 26/02/2019 21:25

So you can’t have a wedding (small) registry office and a meal but can afford to fly to California to get married? You can see why the family don’t believe it. Had you said we’d rather spend £1,500 on our own special day rather than” we can’t afford it “ they might have understood. Even you can see why the lie might get to them.
The typhoid thing was unfortunate and now you are letting them down again.
I agree with a PP that you need to let them know they are able to visit anytime and apologise over the airfare. Really be honest and say you can’t afford it

LondonHuffyPuffy · 26/02/2019 21:29

I agree with other posters who say your DH needs to tell them that, due to unforeseen circumstances, as a couple you cannot currently afford for them to come at Christmas.

I sympathise. I have fallen out with my SiL. Over 500 Rand (about £30). DH’s family are also South African. SiL is an entitled, selfish bitch. Even her own Mother agrees (I love my MiL, she’s like a second Mum).

If you do end up having to bring them over, if they are coming from CT look at Thomas Cook for reasonably priced direct flights. If they’re coming from JHB you have much more choice.

Good luck x

Travis1 · 26/02/2019 21:36

Don’t get into anymore debt over this.

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