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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I should know what my husband earns

77 replies

Nevertoomuch22 · 22/02/2019 20:04

How do other married couples handle their finances? Been married for 8 years and have no clue what my DH even earns, I have asked and have a rough idea but it seems none of my business. I pay all the household bills including some small personnal depts and he gives me £150 per week from which I use half for our grocery shopping. I have suggested opening a joint account so that we can pay equal money into it each month but then find out my DH had went ahead and opened a separate account and kept it from me. Is it unusual for married couples to keep their finances separate this way

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 22/02/2019 20:06

I don't think this is usual but you'll get others who say it's his business what he earns.

Put it this way: if you divorced he would have to declare his income, because you are seen as a partnership. It's a shame he can't treat your marriage as a partnership.

dementedpixie · 22/02/2019 20:06

It's not good that he keeps it a secret from you. Dh and I have a joint account and we each have the banking app so can see what goes in and out the account

HollowTalk · 22/02/2019 20:07

Is he paying £600 pm in total for rent and bills?

How much do you think he earns?

Do you work full time? Do you have children?

dementedpixie · 22/02/2019 20:07

What does he pay towards?

Crazyfrog007 · 22/02/2019 20:07

Why are you paying all of the household bills?? Surely they should be split 50:50...

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 22/02/2019 20:07

Sorry, do you mean you pay all the household bills personally? What does he pay?

Nesssie · 22/02/2019 20:08

Doesn’t sound normal to be me if I’m being honest. Secret accounts and secret salaries.

greendale17 · 22/02/2019 20:08

Very strange and weird that you don’t know how much your husband earns.

Ivegotthree · 22/02/2019 20:08

Very bloody weird not to know.

Seniorcitizen1 · 22/02/2019 20:09

We have had joint accounts from day one - current account and savings account. Know what each earns. Its our money not individual. All bills come out of current account plus any individual leisure spend. All based on love and trust

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/02/2019 20:09

What does he pay? Rent / mortgage?

Decormad38 · 22/02/2019 20:11

Thats weird. We just have one bank account so I know if he buys a coffee and definitely know what he earns.

mkmo · 22/02/2019 20:11

I would want complete transparency. My partner and I are a team- no secrets. Yes, I think you should know and if he won't tell you that's suspicious.

If you don't want to know that's different

Joint account seems fair

justasking111 · 22/02/2019 20:12

My OH is like this always has been. It is so silly because I have to prepare his tax returns so from his various types of income I know exactly what he earns. It is a weird way of thinking to my mind. But he thinks I am a spendthrift. Every time I buy birthday, xmas presents for the family he tuts.. My credit card statement is scrutinised for frivolous purchases occasionally. He does pay for everything on it that is not frivolous.

I am not the one with a yacht in the marina though, he is very secretive about how much that costs. I know exactly how much it costs

Quartz2208 · 22/02/2019 20:13

No not usual

What does he pay for

Wantmychildrentosleep · 22/02/2019 20:16

I think that’s odd. We have separate bank accounts, mostly because we haven’t been organised to get a joint one (6 yrs in), but I know how much he earns and I know how much he wastes!!!! I don’t feel the need to keep a tab on how many coffees he has a week, but he always lets me see his account if I want to.

Graphista · 22/02/2019 20:21

I wouldn't be happy with that at all, you're supposed to be a partnership secrets like this are damaging to a relationship.

In addition how much are your joint outgoings total? Because if they're £1200 or less I'll be bloody surprised which means you are subbing him.

That's unacceptable regardless of his income imo.

Do you have children? If not I really wouldn't until this is sorted. Children are not cheap and must be provided for.

He sounds a right miser and possibly financially abusive and as things are I wouldn't trust him to contribute to any child's costs

Tensixtysix · 22/02/2019 20:28

Stop paying all the bills! He's fiddling you financially. Do you even have any savings?

Ellisandra · 22/02/2019 20:35

How can you possibly know what the fair split of bills is?

My husband and I could tell you exactly what we each earn - but to within 20%

We don’t have the same issue re bills split because it’s second marriage with kids all round so we have different costs, and also because I earn 4x him so he’s “subbed” by me anyway, and we both know it and are happy with it.

cordeliavorkosigan · 22/02/2019 20:38

Absolutely unreasonable. You can't be partners in life without knowing this basic information. You're vulnerable here as you don't want to be financially abused and you don't want to have to divorce to make sure your finances are ok!

RB68 · 22/02/2019 20:40

Having sat last night with a friend who was in court divorcing her husband of 18 yrs today, with her sobbing "how could I not know he was stealing so much from me" "How could he take all this money and leave DD and I with benefits to house ourselves and foodbank food for weeks on end etc" I would say knowledge is power here. There were some valid reasons for her lack of knowledge for a period of time but he was deliberately hiding stuff

Get him to share and explain he needs to contribute fairly to his family and way of life.

And I think if he has a boat in a Marina he can pull is finger out of his arse and pay for a few birthday presents and frivolities for you just asking

StoneofDestiny · 22/02/2019 20:41

Can't believe posters believe your situation is 'not unusual'. Surely it's more normal when living as equal partners in marriage that all monies, bills, responsibilities etc are pooled for equal access. Sounds more like some arrangement from the 1950's to me.
Why do you allow it?

Stuckforthefourthtime · 22/02/2019 20:43

Very unusual. To me even keeping separate finances after marriage is odd, this is very strange. How much are your outgoings a month? I'd say either he's earning a lot more than you and squirrelling away /using this for control or earning less and feeling ashamed and possibly running up debt - which should also ring alarm bells.

RoryLeighGilmore · 22/02/2019 20:46

Totally unreasonable and bizarre. Why did you marry someone who you don't have completely open finances with?!

Original poster

Nevertoomuch22 · 22/02/2019 20:49

It's just the two of us, we both have grown children from previous marriages. I think the real problem is he is always telling me he has no money especially when I suggest he take me out or something small like takeaways. I'm not a big earner and monthly bills take most of it (live in rented accommodation) I have no savings. I guess he earns at least a third more than me. Guess I'm just wondering what he does with it all and he would never tell me if I asked. He has no friends and doesn't go out socializing and has no hobbies that I'm aware of

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