To think I should know what my husband earns

[Nevertoomuch22]

How do other married couples handle their finances? Been married for 8 years and have no clue what my DH even earns, I have asked and have a rough idea but it seems none of my business. I pay all the household bills including some small personnal depts and he gives me £150 per week from which I use half for our grocery shopping. I have suggested opening a joint account so that we can pay equal money into it each month but then find out my DH had went ahead and opened a separate account and kept it from me. Is it unusual for married couples to keep their finances separate this way

Does he contribute towards rent/ bills? Is it a joint tenancy?

My Dh is self employed and but I know pretty much how much he earns. If I ask about any quarter or whatever he tells me. I know what he earns for different jobs etc, his income tax and vat etc. He's very happy to tell me about it.

I certainly think that it's very much my business. If anything happened to him I'd need to know where I stood. In fact I know right now.

That’s not what I’d call marriage.

You have a lodger. Who barely covers their own food and bills cost - never mind actually paying rent.

We pool everything.

I don't know anyone who would think that £600 would cover half of everything. Are you subsidising him?

It really is starting to sound like financial abuse.

Extremely unlikely he's covering his half of expenses which op is proving reluctant to answer (understandably here but you need to be honest with yourself at least op and stop subsidising him! He sounds a total cocklodger!)

OP - it's only happening this way because you are allowing it.

I find this very odd. Is he saving it all do you think ? Some people just like to have vast amounts of savings that they never dip into but you really should know if you’re any sort of partnership .

Sorry - that was clumsily put. I am trying to say stop allowing it to keep happening.

This should have all been discussed before moving in together. Like fuck would I marry someone who wasn't prepared to work as a partnership in every aspect of the relationship & in particular something as important as family finances!

He gives you £150 per week to cover a share of bills and food shopping?? He's definitely financially abusing you if you are left with a pittance per month while he has more. I'd be sitting him down with a list of every bill you both have use of - heat, electric, broadband, rent, food etc. Personal mobiles can be paid separately. Other than that everything should be shared. See what it all comes to per month and then tell him you both need to contribute a fair amount as per your salaries. I'd be very resentful of him giving you so little per week.

What are the total monthly living expenses, bills plus rent plus food. If it is more than £1200, he is taking the piss.

I think someone can have their own finances as long as they meet at least 50% of living costs. But if that causes a huge disparity in lifestyle it is not really a marriage or relationship. More of a houseshare with benefits.

So is he paying at least half of the bills? This is not usual at all in my experience. If he’s not forthcoming with more details I’d seriously consider it a dealbreaker. Especially if you’re struggling.

I don’t even know how a situation like this starts.

What do you mean you pay the bills?

This arrangement is utter madness. I’d not have lived with anyone like this let alone marry them.

FWIW I earn about half of my DH’s salary as I’m part time. We pool our money, pay all of our bills, save some and split the rest equally. I know exactly what he earns and there’s no secrecy at all.

What is he paying for??? Who pays mortgage? Why are you paying all bills? Until we know that, we can’t advise.

Yes it's unreasonable and weird. My dh and I earn similar money but even if one of us earnt much more, our money would be shared. We are a family

It's totally weird and odd. No kind of a partnership at all. How on earth did you get married not knowing anything about this man?

But anyway, surely you can figure roughly what he must earn by googling similar jobs/companies?

I think "for richer, for poorer" implies that you know your partner's income.

DH and I don’t know what each other earns - although we probably know/could guess roughly.

However, all household bills are paid for via a joint account which we both contribute to fairly.

Your set up doesn’t sound “fair” at all!

How can you know if you are happy with the way bills are divided if you don't know what he earns? That is the crux of the matter to me. You can't provide informed consent for the current situation as it stands.

He us financially abusive.

However, all household bills are paid for via a joint account which we both contribute to fairly

How can anyone know what is fair if they don't know the other's base? I earn more than DH but not because I work harder or smarter, it's just down to industry and following a management path instead of staying technical. It wouldn't be fair if we split bills equally (or worse, if he paid more, which could well be happening to OP), and I had plenty of cash to splash while he was scraping by.

Who thinks it's normal to not know what their partner earns? This isn't your friend of someone you know down the pub!

I don't know exactly how much my dh earns as he's self employed but could guess to within £5,000 year on year. It's not kept secret from me.

That's weird. I appreciate not all couple's have joint accounts, but it's weird he won't tell you what he earns and is so secretive about his money.

Weird and wrong IMO.

But there are quite a few people in LTR and marriages who don't know each others incomes. On here and in real life who I know. (Though it is the man who is more keen to keep his income a secret.)

I couldn't live like that. I would want to know why, if my husband was hiding his income. I would think 'why does he not want me to know?'