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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just want to go home

35 replies

Footloose80 · 12/02/2019 00:53

On holiday with dh and dds. Dh is unable to much due to a deterioration in mobility. I drove down Friday evening after I had a tummy bug. Since than all the stress had fallen to me. I loaded and unloaded car. Did all the cooking, clearing up and childcare etc. Yesterday dh got the hump because I didn't hand the snack he wanted directly to him in the bedroom as I was distracted by dd2.
Today he posted about our first attempt at going out and about with the travel wheelchair. He joked about my inadequacy steering online.
I just feel like this isn't a holiday and that we might as well go home. Also really starting to question future with dh.
Tbh right now I feel obliged to support dh during illness but once well things may change.

OP posts:
Longdistance · 12/02/2019 01:01

Pack up and leave him there. He can steer himself then...

MissTook · 12/02/2019 01:06

Take yourself off somewhere or put headphones on and plan a better life op and let him go bloody snackless.
.

Lovingbenidorm · 12/02/2019 01:08

Certainly doesn’t sound like much of a holiday.
Why do people post their disgruntlement instead of talking?

Springwalk · 12/02/2019 01:15

If he is illl he is probably suffering from a lack of being able to do things himself, it can be very frustrating! If he is joking on line, all he is doing is making light of the situation.
I think you may have chosen the wrong holiday. You need a hotel, where you can be looked after too, pref one with a spa and an indoor pool for dc. Cleaning and cooking is not a holiday! Call a local hotel and book the disabled room, if you have a little spare money, and see if that helps? It is better than going home.

Your sound worn out

Springwalk · 12/02/2019 01:16

Flowers FlowersHaloWine

Original poster
Footloose80 · 12/02/2019 01:44

The holiday was booked before this recent decline in his health. Tbh I have enjoyed bits of the holiday but or her bits have been hell. I think he is a really bad back seat driver and I have always hsged driving or her drivers. This does cause issues. I have tried to explain how much I am struggling but it judt seems that I an the stoic one who just gets on with it. I just don't don't know how long I can do this before cracking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Footloose80 · 12/02/2019 01:46

Sorry garbled by autocorrect. Other bits have been hell
Hated driving or get drivers

OP posts:
Jux · 12/02/2019 02:02

It does sound awful, you poor thing.

You are having a miserable time because you are stressed and need a BREAK not a holiday which is always harder work if self-catering. Tell him that you'll be having a holiday next week when you will be booked into a nice 5 star hotel with absolutely everything laid on.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 12/02/2019 02:07

I’m not dismissing how upsetting this is for you, this must be awful. But it’s 10x worse for him being unable to look after himself and having to rely on you, has he had counselling, I take it this is permanent for him? It’s a lot to handle mentally

Original poster
Footloose80 · 12/02/2019 02:17

The problems are hopefully temporary. He will get better.
I think I probably just need to tell him how what seemd like an innocent post on social media make me feel. I feel like I am having to split myself into several pieces. I am providing support and care for 3 dc 2 of which have some additional needs. Plus caring for dh too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Footloose80 · 12/02/2019 02:18

I guess counselling could be an option down the line.

OP posts:
Original poster
Footloose80 · 12/02/2019 02:23

Tbf I have has some SPA experience prior to holiday (Won and vouchers held) but they are now distant memories. J now see how hard it was for my mum to care for my dad as his health worsened.
Sadly we no longer have spare funds as dh is on ssp and mg hours have reduced.

OP posts:
pineapplebryanbrown · 12/02/2019 02:25

It's rotten really OP, you've brought all your work on holiday with you. I don't know how you will get a break when you are essentially caring for 4 people. I'm not surprised you feel fragile at him "joking" about you when you must be shattered. If you felt better you would shrug it off.

Original poster
Footloose80 · 12/02/2019 02:31

Thank you. I go feel fragile right now. I think tomorrow ( today) will be spent on site.

OP posts:
Springwalk · 12/02/2019 02:37

Op you need to have at least one day off. Call your mother or friends and ask her/them if she can have the dc for one day. She can perhaps organise someone to look after your father, or leave him dinners and drinks. Your friends can look after dc if not.

Your can book a spa day, they are not expensive with groupon or similar. You can sleep, rest and enjoy silence. A massage. A swim. Some proper down time. You can’t continue to care for everyone when you are so depleted yourself.

Find a way to have a break for at least a day.

This is not dh, I am sure his post we harmless. It must be awful for him too. This is the situation and your exhaustion. You poor thing.

Fortunately it is temporary and it will come to an end, hold onto that thought for dear life. It WILL get better.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 12/02/2019 02:37

This is horrible all round and you must feel so depressed having to cope with this, I can only share my knowledge of being on the other side, of the one being cared for. It’s awful, you feel guilty all the time, you want to please but everything is exhausting but you want to lead a normal life for your family. When people, especially someone close tellls you you could have responded or done something better you get defensive. You want to be the person you once were. You want someone to understand. This is generalisation and may not be what he thinks, but an insight

Springwalk · 12/02/2019 02:41

If you can’t afford a spa, then send dc to your parents or friends, dh to his parents or friends when you get back, and spend the entire day in bed watching a box set and eating something delicious. Phone on silent and no interruptions. A long soak in the bath, face pack on, music. Wine. You need a day off op.

Springwalk · 12/02/2019 02:48

If it is any consolation whatsoever, the reason I am awake is because I am recovering from major surgery. I can’t do anything for myself not even getting to the loo. I am aware I am putting a huge strain on my dh and dc. My dh is white with exhaustion.
I feel terrible. I have snapped a few times as I am tired and in pain. I have cried quietly more times than I can count. I realise asking for things all the time is driving him quietly mad, but I can’t do anything else, I need to drink, take meds, eat and wash to survive.
I am so tired of being like this. Helpless and vulnerable. If is wretched. I would do anything to help my dh more but I can’t. It is so shit for both of us. You are not alone.
To the outside world we are managing just fine, inside it is a constant tiring battle to stay afloat.
Stick with it, it is not forever.
Better times are coming. 💐💐

Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2019 03:06

Your life revolves around caring for him and as a reward he humiliated and degraded you on social media. Fuck. Him. His illness does not give him a pass to be an absolute cunt. I would tell him this "holiday" is over and you're going home. If he refuses to leave, he can wheel his arse back home.

MissTook · 12/02/2019 08:25

Aquamarine1029 Is spot on.

And I bet he's no bundle of joy and helpfulness when he's100% fit either.
I'd put his phone/ipad and whatnot on a high shelf out of his reach -
but then I have a short attention span for ungrateful bits.

Original poster
Footloose80 · 12/02/2019 15:33

Thanks for replies. Was feeling so much better today. Did some fun stuff with kids and had time for coffee and cake whilst the entertainment team entertained the kids.
Down again now as when I tried to make conversation ( bearing in mind I haven't seen him all day) his response was a huffy anything else. Clearly his tv programme was far more important!

OP posts:
EyeOfTheTigger · 12/02/2019 15:52

It sounds like your DH's frustration at his decline in mobility is coming out and you're bearing the brunt of it, on top of all the chores/caring you have to do. This would be exhausting for anyone. His 'jovial' posts on social media are probably just banter, but in your tired state you're not seeing it like that and taking it very personally.

I think you need to sit quietly with your DH and explain to him calmly that you know he is suffering but it's affecting you too. You need to support each other through this, not just you supporting DH. take care of yourself OP Flowers.

Totaldogsbody · 12/02/2019 16:33

I agree with Tigger men make really bad patients, having a debilitating illness leads them to feeling weak and unmanly, after all they're supposed to be the hunters. You really do need to support each other through this. You haven't said much about your relationship before his illness, does he always make disparaging remarks about you on social media or has this come about with his illness. Just remember you must take care of yourself as well as everyone else, what would they do without you if you were also to fall ill. BrewCake

Original poster
Footloose80 · 13/02/2019 16:48

It is so difficult. Over the years I have had situations where I have been in pain but I am unfairly stoic and just grin and bear it.
Th screams out in pain and upsets dc.
I know he is in agony and try to be sympathetic but it is so tough doing it all.
I also feel that deep down I have taken the strain at home for a long time now. This is fine as I work part time.
I just feel sometimes that he is using his illness to opt out of everything.
I have been trying to get him to take on managing the reading that the dc do but it just doesn't happen.

OP posts:
FiveRedBricks · 13/02/2019 16:55

OP regardless of his mobility issues right now he sounds like a bit of a dick. Is that an accurate portrayal? If my husband spoke to me like that he'd be out on his arse. Wheelchair or not.