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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For feeling bemused and pissed off at the same time regarding a question my MIL asked me?

51 replies

funkimummy · 04/07/2007 08:52

I have two children. Both favour me more than their Father. DS is dark like me (hair/eyes) but with pale skin like DH.

DD has fairer hair (like I had as a child) and has brown hair and very olive skin. She does take after my side of the family, but my skin is not that dark.

MIL turns to me and says 'So who DOES she (DD) look like then, because she looks nothing like xxxxx (DH)?' with a wry smirk on her face.

I wasn't sure where she was coming from at first, but then it dawned on me that she was insinuating that DH might not be the Father. I'm gobsmacked. We've been together six years and are besotted with each other.

Am I reading too much into this...she wasn't really interested in the answer I gave (i,e - she looks like I did as a child, and favours my Father for colouring.)

OP posts:

EffiePerine · 04/07/2007 08:55

She's either being a bit insensitive or rude - either way just ignore her!

suzywong · 04/07/2007 08:56

The Official Answer is;

"The Milkman"

because it shuts her up and rubbishes her question.

Original poster

funkimummy · 04/07/2007 09:00

suzywong, I wish I had your courage! Trouble is, she asked me when DH wasn't at home, so it's not like I've got him for back-up.

OP posts:

Megglevache · 04/07/2007 09:01

Message withdrawn

Carmenere · 04/07/2007 09:01

Oh yes , I'll second Suzy on this, she needs the wind taken out of her nasty sails.

Original poster

funkimummy · 04/07/2007 09:05

Well we did try that once before. It wasn't worth the aggravation!

She is a complete pain in the arse when she wants to be, and is one of these people that will 'send you to Conventry' and you'll never know what you've done to upset her. (breathe in my case, I think!)

I am truly dismayed that she thought to even ask in the first place. She hates my family, and when we're altogether in one room she does her utmost not to talk to any of my lot. I guess she just thinks I'm the spawn of Satan or something!

We do have a name for her (DH has no idea) the white witch! Makes me feel better anyway!

OP posts:

Megglevache · 04/07/2007 09:06

Message withdrawn

gingerninja · 04/07/2007 09:08

Sounds manipulative to me. Don't let it get you down. She's probably jealous of the relationship you have with her son.

southeastastra · 04/07/2007 09:08

she sounds like a battleaxe.

i would have turned on the water works if my mil had said that and sent her to coventry.

Original poster

funkimummy · 04/07/2007 09:14

Thanks gingerninja. You're probably right. MIL and DH don't have the best relationship in the world. Actually it can be positively strained sometimes.

OP posts:

Original poster

funkimummy · 04/07/2007 09:16

Southeasastra - I would have loved to, but I think FIL would have wondered what the hell was going on! And I have eldest child syndrome - you know, keep it all together all the time not matter what happens!

I'm annoyed at myself really for haphazardly trying to explain that she looks like my side of the family (which is bloody plain to see!) instead of telling her to F.O or coming back with 'the milkman' as Suzywong said.

OP posts:

krispiecakes · 04/07/2007 09:34

my mil is very manipulative too, it went on for YEARS until i had the guts to answer her back. needless to say she didnt like it and stormed out, but once the dust settled things were actually much better. She was a classic bully, the more i allowed her to get away with the sly digs and loaded comments, the worse she got. As soon as i put my foot down her attitude changed - she's actually a bit of a simpery suck ass now!

NAB3 · 04/07/2007 09:36

I nannied for a family who had 3 girls and they all looked completely different. One had dark hair and olive skin, one red hair and white complexion and one was blonde and blue eyed. It happens. Silly MIL.

GreebosWhiskers · 04/07/2007 09:39

My MIL goes on about dd being the image of her dad at that age every time she sees her. I do get the feeling she's actually trying to convince herself. She also keeps asking who ds takes after, even though he was the image of dd for the first few months - in their 0-3 month photos you have to look at what they're wearing just to work out who is who. Now that ds is 8 months he's changing & favours my side more & I think it makes MIL uneasy.

I do think it must be a bit harder for the parents on the father's side. There's never any denying who the mum is & even though me & dh both know he's their dad in-laws can never really know exactly what's going on in your relationship.

However to ask for a DNA test is & deserves a slap.

Original poster

funkimummy · 04/07/2007 09:58

Krispie, I ought to take a leaf out of your book. Trouble is I like to keep the peace, anything for a quiet life. Even if it means I sit and stew. Silly really!

OP posts:

krispiecakes · 04/07/2007 10:02

yeah, they only need to watch some documentary which tells them that 4/10 men are unwittingly bringing up children that arent theirs amd the seed of doubt is sown!

krispiecakes · 04/07/2007 10:02

sorry x posts

Original poster

funkimummy · 04/07/2007 10:06

I wouldn't mind but both my children look like their Father, although they do favour me more as I obviously have the stronger, better genes

Mental note - never to be the MIL from hell when my DS gets older and gets married / has a partner.

Stoopid blardy documentaries.

OP posts:

MarshaBrady · 04/07/2007 10:07

These little wry comments are so irritating. Mil loves the fact that ds is the spitting image of dh and therefore of her and goes on and on about it. (although one cutting comment back and it did stop, oops) It could also be trying to establish a feeling of 'ownership' too. She looks like you and your family! your family is not going to be a reproduction of hers, since you are the mother and have some input
gaah

sweetkitty · 04/07/2007 10:13

My Mum on seeing DD2 for the first time turned around and "same father" WTF as if she was reassuring DP!

Everyone sees children differently every member of the family says the DDs look like someone different. I can see bits of a lot of people in both DDs. Both have my eyes and hair colour but their fathers curls and nose.

krispiecakes · 04/07/2007 10:13

ive often thought that too funki but it defo is harder for paternal grandparents, they are not often as involved because most of us instinctivally turn to our mothers for advice / childcare. My dcs are closer to my mum than my MIL and that must be quite frustrating / upsetting for her. 'specially as she just has 2 sons and no daughters.

Original poster

funkimummy · 04/07/2007 10:16

Yes that's true Krispie, I do turn to my Mum for more advice than MIL, but then my Mum is at home a lot more than MIL is.

OP posts:

duchesse · 04/07/2007 10:17

My (Sri Lankan, tiny, very dark) friend's sister is married to a very pale Englishman, and they have a set of twin girls- one Asian, one English. How would your mil cope with that I wonder?

You may be reading too much into it, but I'd just laugh it off personally as it is the sort of thing my mil would say just to be annoying. It's like she can't help herself. She just can't say it about the children's looks as they are all three a perfect meld of my husband and me.

ComeOVeneer · 04/07/2007 10:22

My 2 look nothing like their father. He is brown haired/brown eyed/ olive skin. DD is blond/blue eyes/pale, ds blond/brown eyes/pale. MIL frequently comments how they look nothing like their father and despite her faults (of which there are many) I have never interpreted it as anything other than a factual observation (perhaps I am naive ). I think it is more her sadness that they take so much after my side of the fmily (in fact people have seen photos of my dad with the children and asked if he is the father as they are the spitting image of him {blush] (guess people think that I have a sugar daddy )

Original poster

funkimummy · 04/07/2007 10:24

Comoveneer, people assume the same of my kids (that my Dad is their Dad!) Because we all look so alike!

OP posts:

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