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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my lazy a**ehole of a hubby

31 replies

Radley · 02/07/2007 15:20

Yesterday dh wanted to go to a pub for lunch, I didn't want to go as I wanted to tidy up etc, but, in the end he talked me, round. (he wanted a couple of pints more than anything)

We were late getting home and as he has the day off today, he promised faithfully he would tidy round in the living room, do some washing and sort laundry that needs to go away.

I have just got in from work and he has done NOTHING, except open a parcel and leave all the packaging strewn about.

He has been sat on his arse watching the racing ALL day and then he went to the bookes and spent god knows how much.

Am I being unreasonable wanting him to do what he promised and help out a little on his days off (he gets ALOT more days off than me)

He will now come in from picking the kids up and disappear to pub for an hour or more whilst DD1 has her dance class, leaving me at home with this mess

OP posts:
heifer · 02/07/2007 15:29

of course YANBU, but I really don't understand why so many of you ladies on MN marry men like this!

You must have known what he was like before you married him..

Tell him to pull his finger out - or else...

Original poster
Radley · 02/07/2007 15:30

I didn't know he was like this, he lived with his mam until marrying me.

I have a good mind to say I'LL go to the pub, he can stop at home with dd2 and do the tidying he promised.

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 02/07/2007 15:33

I always think it's a Bad Idea for men to go straight from living with their mothers to their wives/girlfriends. They never get used to living on their own.

You'll have to train him that it's NOT on to leave you to pick up after him. Maybe going out and leaving him to it might drive the point home - or clean up your own and children's messes and leave his mess - his washing up, dirty laundry etc, for him to deal with.

MamaD · 02/07/2007 15:37

Sadly it's not just the men that go from their mothers to wives.

My dh left home at 19 to join the Army.
Got married at 25, divorced at 35
Married me at 38.......

....... and STILL doesn't lift a finger around the house.

I thought he was a safe bet - been there done that etc - but no muggins here does it all, coz if I don't, it doesn't get done.

YANBU and he is an arse, but sadly I doubt he'll ever change....

FloriaTosca · 02/07/2007 16:23

Personally dont have this problem with my DH because he lived on his own for 10 yrs and so he's grateful for everything I do.. he likes a tidy house but rather than nag me if it isnt to his standards he just gets on with it himself (I have to say his psychology works a treat on me because I work shorter hours than him and if he does more than his fair share of house work I feel horribly guilty ) BUT I did have the lazy flatmate problem when I shared a house with my brother so I do know how you feel and YANBU! However I found that even in his helpless case (Mum ruined him!) offering to do one job if he did another at the same time worked to a certain extent but only if there was a reward at the end eg "You clean the kitchen while I do the bathroom and I'll cook us the full English for breakfast" ... though there was always the you wash I'll wipe row after .
With a DH you do have a bit more leverage... you can always refuse him his nuptials unless he cleans up his half of the bedroom

casbie · 02/07/2007 16:23

i think you should start controlling the finances - it's harder to go down the pub/bookies/mates house for smokes when you haven't got the cash to do it with!!

mumto3girls · 02/07/2007 16:27

People do and don't do what they can get away with. You are permitting him to treat you like this.

Original poster
Radley · 02/07/2007 17:39

I know i am allowing him to behave like this, but, there is no talking to him sometimes, he switches off.

I did tell him I was annoyed and his excuse for not doing housework?

He was answering my texts and charging his phone so he was in and out of the kitchen

OP posts:
MrsWeasley · 02/07/2007 17:48

I must be married to his brother Radley!

My Dh thinks he should be able to come in and do what ever he wants regardless of the needs of our 4 kids.
If the kids are on the computer they have to get off for him to check out the sporting bits. If the kids are watching TV he will put sport on.
apparently, His day off is a day to himself and he is entitled to spend money on betting if he pleases, I asked him once for the same (a day off to do as I please and the same money as he spends on betting to spend on myself- he wasnt pleased.)

He wants to be in charge of shopping because he enjoys it(Oddball!!LOL) but refuses to buy anything that isnt on special offer! never thinks to buy fruit and veg but always buys biscuits and choc (for himself)

AGH sorry rant over with, feel better now

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2007 17:49

"I know i am allowing him to behave like this"

At least you realise you're doing this but he has all the power and control here. You cannot change him but you can change how you react to his behaviours.

Radley, what are you teaching your children here, that's its okay for you their Mum to be treated like dirt?. Girls in particular pick up on all this and learn from it. You are teaching them this is okay. How would you feel if your children when they are themselves adult were to act in the same demeaning ways towards their own partners?. It could well happen so don't kid yourself otherwise. Damaging lessons are being imparted here by both of you.

Original poster
Radley · 02/07/2007 17:53

Attila, what you are saying is all correct, but, i am suffering from depression and basically do anything for a quiet life.

AND, I wouldn't know how to begin changing things. When I started work, I did a list of things that needed doing and he accused me of putting all the things on there that I hate or need doing rarely and then he got the monk on

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 02/07/2007 17:57

Never marry the ones who have lived with their mother before they marry - a golden rule.
Don't clean up tonight. That's his job.

OrmIrian · 02/07/2007 17:58

radley I sympathise. And FWIW I get so pissed off with people saying that it's my fault for letting him get away with it ! Do the people who say things like this really realise how irritating it is? No-one wants a partner who doesn't pull his weight but you can't be having rows day in and day out. And unless you better reasos than housework you can't get divorced over it! I've been with my DH for 20 years and I've lost count of the number of times we've had the same old arguments. I've tried withdrawing my labour, nagging, shouting, reasoned argument...but the simple fact is that he doesn't see why certain things need doing. He sees food needs cooking, he sees that washing needs doing (sometimes)and ironing but that is about it. He can't really see the need for cleaning and tidying because dirt and mess is something the doesn't impinge on his life at all.

So...it's not your fault. It's his fault. What you do I don't know...if you find out please tell me because I've spent years trying to find out.

BTW he was worse when he wasn't working and was at home all day.

Original poster
Radley · 02/07/2007 18:00

Ormirian, thank goodness, someone who knows how I'm feeling.

I have tried talking,shouting, ignoring etc, but it doesn't work.

He lived in a very cluttered untidy house until he was 35 and therefore doesn't notice it, he drives me up the wall.

OP posts:
MatNanPlus · 02/07/2007 18:02

My hubby went from his mum's to me living there also to our own place.

Due to my job i'm away most of the week, he washes, dries, irons, puts away laundry and bedding, shops and cooks.

Doesn't hoover muchor clean the bathroom fixtures.

He is a star and tho his mum did everything for him he is happy to get stuck in.

edam · 02/07/2007 18:08

Have you tried inviting his mother round, then buggering off until she arrives? He might be shamed into doing the hoovering... of course, there's a risk your MIL will turn up and find a pigsty but then you'll have the opportunity to embarrass dh.

skinnynomates · 02/07/2007 18:24

It is reading threads like these that makes me realise what a wonderful husband I've got! A marriage and a family is about 2 people sharing love and responsibility, not about the woman doing all the work while the husband sits around doing nothing and takes no responsibility. Personally, I wouldn't put up with and would be right pi**ed off!

LoveAngel · 02/07/2007 18:32

YANBU.

I don't know how anyone puts up with this sort of thing tbh - its like having an extra child, and I couldn't be arsed with it at all. You deserve a medal for not telling him to shove it before now.

A frank talk and the setting of some serious ground rules are called for, I reckon.

HonoriaGlossop · 02/07/2007 18:55

I agree with loveangel. Ground rules need putting in place. It is his responsibility to take on a fair amount of the work in the house.

I notice though radley that you say you're suffering from depression, so I reckon you need to get yourself feeling strong first really. Are you having AD's? Or some counselling? If you're not getting treatment I really would get some, so that you feel as near to your old self as you can. I sympathise; having depression can be like walking through treacle every day, and that's without having a great lump of a man about who won't pull his weight. Get yourself as well as you can, then you need to read the riot act to him. It's got to be a case of agreeing on the minimum you will accept from him.

I do agree that this is not your fault, however I think you can't be surprised that you're having to deal with this. A man who lived with his mum for 35 years is not too good a bet. And not living with him beforehand so that you could thrash this out together pre-family, leaves you wide open to this being a problem.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2007 18:57

"Attila, what you are saying is all correct, but, i am suffering from depression and basically do anything for a quiet life".

I do sympathise; I have a friend who also takes this stance but if you're suffering then your children are also feeling this pain. The quiet life that you so desperately want is not within your reach currently primarily because of him. He also does not want you to have it. He's been like this for years hasn't he. Have you also considered that the root cause of your depression is him because of the way he treats you?.

"AND, I wouldn't know how to begin changing things. When I started work, I did a list of things that needed doing and he accused me of putting all the things on there that I hate or need doing rarely and then he got the monk on"

You certainly think you would not know how to change things but you do yourself a big disservice by thinking this. You cannot change him but you can change you one small step at a time. Have you considered talking to a counsellor to work out why you react in such ways towards him; I feel he has done a bang up job of conditioning you to accept all this as your lot in life.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2007 18:58

My BIL still lives at home with his parents and he's blooming 44 years of age!. He is certainly NOT marriage material or even boyfriend material. He's far too infantalised and set in his ways to change.

KerryMum · 02/07/2007 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumto3girls · 02/07/2007 19:26

I would divorce someone rather than spend my entire married life being a miserable skivvy or having to constantly bite my tongue and put up with things not been done and labour not being equally divided and me and my kids being second best to the pub or the bookies..

Just my honest reaction.

FloriaTosca · 03/07/2007 09:14

You say you dont know what to do to change things?
Well, just a suggestion, but there is a book called "Dont shoot the dog"...dont worry it isnt about dog training it is about shaping other peoples behaviour (without them realising it )though it does start off talking about training chickens to dance!. It isnt difficult to read, and empowers you to make small but meaningful changes to a persons behaviour without confrontation (theres nothing more conducive to depression in my experience than rows ) In fact, quite the opposite...it gets you to praise and encourage the tiniest positive things in order to encourage greater positive changes, so the person you are "changing" quite happily WANTS to change to please you. It works on children and animals as well so its a good technique to employ for life and it makes you feel in control. Google it or get it from Amazon and try out one of the suggested techniques in a tiny way...so long as you sound genuinely pleased about the little things (rather than sarcastic ..one of my first mistakes was being just too effusive in my praise!)the bigger things will come in time, you will feel less downtrodden and less depressed, and hopefully will gradually build a true partnership with your DH (just dont let him see the book or he'll do it to you!)

yellowvan · 03/07/2007 09:31

Floria that book sounds great! The Venus and Mars ones take a similar tack, and talk about being v specific about what needs doing, ie
"please wash up and take the rubbish out" instead of
"please clear up the kitchen."
I really think that men DO NOT REGISTER this stuff, and as a result get defensive and argumentative when they are accused of (what they see as) failing to mind read. It's a thin line tho, this biological determinism stuff,and I'm not sure it sits too easy with me cos there does come a point where it IS just lazy arseness. For now tho,I'd get Floria's book and give him the benefit of the doubt. Good Luck

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