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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not drop daughter off anymore?

40 replies

galaxy101 · 19/01/2019 07:31

Split with my daughters dad about a year ago, mainly down to him being lazy, not pulling his weight and generally being emotionally abusive. About 8 months ago I had a moment of madness, briefly let him back into my life and during this time he left an expensive jumper at my house. Today, 7/8 months later, the night before he's due to see our daughter for his once a week visit at his house, that I have facilitated since day one by dropping her off and picking her up, he decides he wants the jumper back immediately. I have no idea where the jumper is!!! I've moved house since then aswell! He then goes onto say that if I've lost or thrown it, he'll take its cost out of the measly maintenance payments he gives me. Or in his words "the money I give you". Money that took 6 months after we split for him to even start paying me! Going on to say how it belongs to him and he wants it back so he can wear it tomorrow.

This man has caused me nothing but shit since the day I met him.

So in response I asked him how how plans to pick our daughter up tomorrow since I refuse to help him out while he treats and speaks to me like I'm an idiot.

No reply.

AIBU? And does this seem like a carefully made plan to get out of seeing her tomorrow? Since I said I wouldn't drop her off I've heard nothing at all.

OP posts:
Kikipost · 19/01/2019 07:35

If you suspect he doesn’t want to see her, why would you want to put your daughter in that environment anyway? If he’s trying to wriggle our of spending time with his daughter, then you do something with her instead

RandomMess · 19/01/2019 07:56

Hopefully you are getting the CMS level of maintenance, if not please go through them - any skipped or reduced payments and they can start the process of a deduction of earnings Wink

Stop doing the drop off or pick up - your responsibility is to make her available for collection and be there for agreed drop off.

Hopefully the jumper will turn up once you finish unpacking!

svengoren10 · 19/01/2019 07:59

I can't see how this is a carefully made plan to not see your daughter when YOU are the one making it difficult for him to see her by not providing lifts. You have been providing the lifts for some time now and you're only making that difficult because he's annoyed you about the jumper. You are using your daughter as a weapon. Don't be one of those. Look for the jumper - if you can't find it then have an adult conversation about it. This is nothing to do with his access arrangements and time with your daughter.

Stompythedinosaur · 19/01/2019 07:59

I think you are being reasonable (and yes, I suspect he doesn't want to see her, dick that he is).

If he holds back maintainable for things like that it is worth going through CMS just so you know what money you are getting.

kaytee87 · 19/01/2019 08:00

Go through cms for maintenance. How old is your daughter?

masterandmargarita · 19/01/2019 08:03

I'm sure he was and still is a cock but sounds like you got the best deal out of the split and quite rightly i'd imagine . But he only sees his daughter one day a week and you begrudge facilitating that. It's not the jumper he's really pissed off about. Can't you try to get things a bit more civil

Original poster
galaxy101 · 19/01/2019 08:04

She's 2. I can see from social media he was up until 4am, obviously not planning to be up and ready for a usual drop off time then, he's never ready for her anyway, usually in bed and I hand her to his parents, who he lives with. It's all just a mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
galaxy101 · 19/01/2019 08:07

@masterandmargarita I have facilitated it since day one, I just don't seen why I should. It costs me in fuel, time. I do it so that he can see his child, so my daughter can see her dad, why should I continue to use my fuel when he can't show me a bit of basic respect? Threatening to reduce CMS over a jumper is spiting his daughter, not me.

OP posts:
flumpybear · 19/01/2019 08:07

Tell him to take it from the money he should have paid you in the first 6 months Angry

svengoren10 · 19/01/2019 08:11

If you've facilitated it since day one then you can't suddenly stop just because he's been a dick about a jumper. You need to do it as usual today and then have a civil conversation with him midweek to suggest he comes and picks her up next time. Sounds like you both need to grow up

cushioncuddle · 19/01/2019 08:16

You need to separate his treatment of you and dealing with it from your daughter.

Totally agree he's a waste of space but he is who you decided to have a child with and your daughter deserves to have her dad and grandparents in her life as long as they love her and are kind to her. Yes , it's not great he's in bed when you drop her off but I imagine her grandparents are very pleased to see her.

Your problem with your ex must be dealt separately from from your D and you should not use her in this.

Go through the proper channels to get maintenance so he can't skip or reduce paying. You've agreed to drop and pick up. If that needs changing have an adult conversation with your ex and his parents as well if that would help. But don't use your child.

Pjsandbaileys · 19/01/2019 08:17

It's a horrible situation but I would on his occasion take your little one to see him, go to cms and get your daughter the money SHE is entitled to then contact a solicitor to have contact arrangements drawn up including pick up and drop off responsibility. It's very easy to get caught up in tit for tat but your only going to make yourself angry and upset in the long run. You and your ex are over this is between him and her until he actually says he doesn't want to see her make sure it happens you don't want to play into his hands keep a diary of events and your little lady will have the luxury of making her own mind up about him, trust me went through all this. As for the jumper tell him to fuck off!!! The storage costs for the last few months probably have cancelled the cost out anyway 😂

Ceejly · 19/01/2019 08:21

He sounds like such a ocmplete arsehole.

I agree with pjs and baileys though. You need to keep to moral high ground. He sounds like the type who might one day try to manipulate your daughter and you'll want to be able to say you've never done wrong by him.

RandomMess · 19/01/2019 08:24

You need to become more "business like" with him.

Leave it up to him to collect her, if he doesn't bother his parents may or may not want to make the effort to see their DGC 🤷🏽‍♀️

You (and his parents no doubt) have enabled him to be a lazy cheapskate parent but you are pulling the rug and he may just step up once he's stopped playing the victim Wink

ChrisjenAvasarala · 19/01/2019 08:25

You're punishing your daughter though. Anything between you and him is strictly between you and him. You absolutely cannot involve anything to do with her as a weapon or consequence. You go through CMS, and then he can't mess with payments. But you cannot change contact plans at the last minute when it's been the status quo for months just because you're annoyed about a different issue. You're using her as a weapon. It's not on.

Yulebealrite · 19/01/2019 08:28

If he's not going to be reliable seeing her when she is older and more difficult then I'd start leaving it more up to him now - not because of the jumper though. That's a separate issue. Just because it will be easier and less emotionally damaging for her to stop seeing him now at age two than it will be when she is older.

He needs to see her because he wants to, not because he's forced to.

ILoveChristmasLights · 19/01/2019 08:31

If he wants to see her, he can come and pick her up. If he can’t be arsed then it’s better he drops out of her life now while she’s so little. If his parents want to see her (and you’re happy with that) then they can make arrangements that suit them and you - like any other grandparents.

Tell him you will give him the jumper if/when you find it, but he can consider 6 months of non payment to cover more than a bloody jumper.

Bit baffled though as to why you didn’t just return it immediately as you’ve been taking DD to his house every week?!

Mix56 · 19/01/2019 08:31

he lost his jumper 7 months ago, & now he's threatening to withdraw child maintenance, just get it paid officially, & if he wants to see his child he will have to get dressed & collect her preferably from a neutral place.
Tosser

RandomMess · 19/01/2019 08:32

Do it today as the last time. I would notify his parents separately that you have informed X that you won't be doing the travelling anymore and you hope he makes the effort to maintain contact with DD.

Effort being the key word to his situation!

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 19/01/2019 08:33

I agree with Random if he wants to see her he can pick her up from yours. Assuming he does do that, you pick her up from where he lives. You’ve made it so easy for him so far and as he’s a dick he’s taking advantage of it all and assuming he holds all the cards. Time to show him he doesn’t.

FWIW I don’t see a woman using her child as weapon I see a mum who has had enough and wants to fight back. As for the jumper, if you can’t find it, you can’t find it. If it mattered that much he’d have taken it with him or asked for it before. Tell him it’s not at yours and he must have taken it with him when he moved out. And then go through the CMS.

BrokenWing · 19/01/2019 08:39

Give him the jumper, do your daughter off.

Let him know you are going through CMS so he can't threatened to withdraw maintenance. Agree access arrangements, times and how you communicate if one or other wish to change that week. Tell him to pick his daughter up starting next week.

Do not get into an argument.

Both of you need to grow up and stop using your daughter as a weapon.

ElsieMc · 19/01/2019 08:46

I see this with regard to CMS all the time. My dd has just split with her dh and I told her to immediately register with CMS. You can agree direct pay between yourselves but if he stops payment, they can take action and assist with arrears. She says she wants to remain amicable. Funny how it is only amicable to some men if you dont ensure payment for their children.

I am a gp carer and the father of my eldest gs pestered me not to carry on with CMS. He offered me slightly more money not to do so. I refused as I would rather have less than leave my gs without. He then rang CMS to say he earned 25% less and wanted payments reducing but refused to supply evidence. He was paying based on £20,000. After months of investigation with the fraud team, he was in fact earning more than double. They are currently collecting arrears.

He needs to pay up op, the jumper is a red herring to reduce payments. You need a secure system in place. Dont hesitate, go to them today they are open Saturday.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/01/2019 08:48

Agree with @BrokenWing.

diddl · 19/01/2019 08:48

I'd take her this time & tell him that after this he needs to collect.

Do you remember packing the jumper when you moved?

If so root it out in your own time.

I would have thought ypu at least know whether or not you have it.

Jamiefraserskilt · 19/01/2019 08:54

Like you placed the jumper in a glass display cabinet in your sitting room, awaiting claim!
Tell him you will look for it, you have moved and it has been eight months so will not happen overnight.
Also, that he can deduct the second hand value from your arrears.
Twat.

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