To not drop daughter off anymore?

[galaxy101]

Split with my daughters dad about a year ago, mainly down to him being lazy, not pulling his weight and generally being emotionally abusive. About 8 months ago I had a moment of madness, briefly let him back into my life and during this time he left an expensive jumper at my house. Today, 7/8 months later, the night before he's due to see our daughter for his once a week visit at his house, that I have facilitated since day one by dropping her off and picking her up, he decides he wants the jumper back immediately. I have no idea where the jumper is!!! I've moved house since then aswell! He then goes onto say that if I've lost or thrown it, he'll take its cost out of the measly maintenance payments he gives me. Or in his words "the money I give you". Money that took 6 months after we split for him to even start paying me! Going on to say how it belongs to him and he wants it back so he can wear it tomorrow.

This man has caused me nothing but shit since the day I met him.

So in response I asked him how how plans to pick our daughter up tomorrow since I refuse to help him out while he treats and speaks to me like I'm an idiot.

No reply.

AIBU? And does this seem like a carefully made plan to get out of seeing her tomorrow? Since I said I wouldn't drop her off I've heard nothing at all.

I'd tell him I'll look for the jumper and will find it.
Also from next week he collects and returns his daughter and you go through CMS for her money. TBH from day 1 he would have had to collect and return, why should you do it? Its for him to do, hes making no effort at all with her and sounds childish.

He needs to grow up , how old is this man child ?
I'd still drop your daughter off don't drop to his level . Say calmly to him you don't know where the jumper is but if you do find it will promptly return it . Don't react to the threat that will reduce maintenance to pay for jumper. I'd just calmly say will have to seek legal advice regarding the maintenance payments if that happens. Honestly don't get into a argument with him he sounds a complete idiot.

I agree with PP's don't get into an argument with him and ignore the jumper bit. See this as a line in the sand though and stop facilitating. He will step up or maybe not but ....just stop this now.

If does stop paying, go through proper channels. Being more businesslike as a PP put it will help you put boundaries in too.

He is a total no hoper. He loses his own pullover and you have to sort it for him. I bet he is the same with his Mum. The wimmins in his life doing all the work in the background. Fuck that shit.

Are you even sure he left the jumper at yours or is it just him saying it's the last time he had it? If you don't recall packing it then perhaps it was never left at yours anyway!

It drives me crackers people who do this. I had a boyfriend in the 90s who did exactly that with a jumper (I’d moved house too!) just so he could had an excuse to make himself look hard done by. He’s not called Simon is he? Could be the same bloke still pulling the same shit. The social media thing isn’t reliable though. It says you’ve been online if you switch on to see the clock in the night. Anyway...

It’s not an elaborate plan, he had no way of knowing you would react like that. I’d say it’s more likely he hoped he’d ruin your free day by making you spend it looking for his jumper.

Take DD today because it’s short notice, she’s expecting to go. But calmly and firmly tell him this is the last time.

He’s trying to get into a game of point scoring and tit for tat and you’re calling for it. It will really negatively impact your daughter, upset you and gives him control over you. He’s not even with you and he’s managed to really get to you and upset you. He’s done this to upset you deliberately.

Don’t give him power over you like this. You need to disengage, don’t give him & and don’t let him wind you up.

Take twenty minutes to calm down. Email him and without arguing or getting into personal attacks, tell him you can’t be held responsible for his carelessness with his possessions and it’s not convenient for you to look for it right now but you’ll return it when you come across it. And that speaking of convenience, it’s no longer convenient for you to do pick ups and drop offs after this week so he need to make his own arrangements.

Drop off DD, forget about him. Relax and enjoy a free day. Don’t get into his games and attempts to provoke an argument. Stay detached and civil.

He wants to provoke a fight. Don’t give him one.

He's 7 years younger than me, with a big maturity gap. I haven't heard anything this morning, this just shows he had no intention of seeing her today as I'd have usually dropped her off by now.

I think I'm going to stop facilitating contact, he can make the effort if he wants to see her, it'll be interesting to see how long it lasts. Also going to go through CMS. Fed up of dealing with his dramas.

This man has caused me nothing but shit since the day I met him

Forgive me, but why have a child with him then?

Tell him the jumper was his responsibility.

Tell CMS about missed maintenance etc. Do it properly.

Tell him he has to collect your dd at agreed times.

Keep a diary of every visit/missed visit. late visit, who did dropping of etc.

As he has messed you around since day one, not sure why you thing he is going to be anything other than a dick now.

Def go through the cms, he can't jus deduct for a jumper. Always amazes me how some men think the money is paying for your social life / shoes not gas and electric and food

Wdoes she want to see him?

It's amazes me that he thinks his measly contribution even touches what I spend raising her. Barely makes a dent in the nursery fees so I can work let alone food in her belly, a warm home etc then he wants to deduct money for a bloody jumper, it's disgusting.

I think he was using the jumper as an excuse to start a fight and not see your daughter.

He is an idiot.

OP you don't seem to be taking anything we are suggesting on board. Clearly, by not contacting him today you have set him up to fail. Yes, he should be contacting you and making much more of an effort but you seem to have let him get away with that for a long time. You just seem hung up on the maintenance side of things. It's your daughter who will suffer if you both don't change your attitude towards access.

@galaxy101
Ha! The money he 'gives you' - my XH says that as well!!! KNOB!

I hope you're appropriately grateful for this luxury he bestows upon you OP - do you email your thanks every month when it comes into your bank account?!

This 'given' money has also failed to be given to me three times over the years the first two for a period of 3 months on each occasion and just recently, he was out of work (pretty much his own fault) for SEVEN months.

The amount of shit you have to eat to support contact is shocking isn't it.

It will literally come down to how much do you want to support the contact - I've not stopped supporting contact but due to poor experiences during contact, DD hasn't gone consistently for years now - essentially, it's got to the point (from meeting half way as it was before, when contact was regular) to where contact only ever takes place for her if I drive her there - 80 miles there and 80 miles back.... he doesn't even approach anything that can be described as fair.

And sadly no amount of CMS or reason or shouting works with this type of bell end - they're hardwired to be utter knobs and all you can do is make the best of it. When your DD is a teen, or even a pre-teen, she'll probably not want to go every weekend/EOW anyway.

@svengoren10 yes perhaps I have set him up to fail, but it's not my job to make him want to put on his big boy pants and facilitate his OWN contact with his daughter. He's not even tried to send a message or make a phone call today regarding seeing her. I'm not hung up on the maintenance side of things, I could support her just fine without it, it's the principal, the fact he didn't think he needed to support her for the first year of her life and then the 6 months after we split shows what kind of a glorified twat I'm dealing with. That's why I refuse to help him out anymore. If he wants to be a dad he can bloody well put some effort in! I can say with absolutely certainty that if I hadn't been facilitating contact for this past year she wouldn't know who he is, so for him to then start being so disrespectful and threatening to stop his financial support that my daughter deserves, is a downright insult after everything I've done to ensure he has a relationship with her.