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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband wants a divorce but I don't

45 replies

morethanaword · 18/01/2019 01:31

Over a month ago, on this thread, www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3445717-AIBU-if-DH-wants-another-child-but-I-dont?pg=1 I posted an AIBU in relation to my DH wanting another child but I did not. OH and I decided to split up after we discussed issues we were having. After a month, we've mutually decided to split up but my OH wants to go straight into a divorce which I cannot accept yet. We have a three year old DS and I'm feeling like I'd struggle as a single parent due to having PND and I've seen how divorce hurts children as my parents divorced and later remarried.

OH and I have had issues which we've tried to resolve but he's very quick to suggest divorce but I want to maintain a healthy relationship and try again.

OP posts:

knittedjest · 18/01/2019 01:51

You can't try again if you can't give him what he wants from life. And you shouldn't give him what he wants if it isn't what you want. He has laid his cards on the table and unfortunately they do not match with your cards. That's life. You can't make somebody who wants to leave stay. There is absolutely no reason you can't maintain a healthy relationship once divorced with him but you need to let him do what he has to do. Amicable divorces are not harmful to children, divorces where the parents are resentful and trying to hurt each other hurt children. If you force him to stay you will end up with the later.

BestZebbie · 18/01/2019 01:54

So....you haven't actually mutually decided to split up, have you? There were conversations where splitting up was the agreed outcome, but you don't actually want to split up, you want to carry on being married and try again? :-(
If you are indeed splitting up then your husband is quite sensible to want to get on with it so that you can make a clean break and then both get on with pursuing your incompatible goals.

Disquieted1 · 18/01/2019 01:55

Thread closed.
Knittedjest has said all that's important.

Disquieted1 · 18/01/2019 02:00

And BestZebbie concurs. Nothing much more to be said: he laid down a red line, you couldn't agree. This is as clean as it gets.

SandyY2K · 18/01/2019 02:14

What's the point in staying married if you've decided to split.

You can't force him to want to be with you and he probably wants to get on with moving forward to meet someone else.

I want to maintain a healthy relationship and try again.

And he doesn't want that.

Dvg · 18/01/2019 02:28

:S you sound a bit deranged to be honest...
If you've split up then divorce is natural..whether you do or dont it's not going to change the fact you've split up

MidniteScribbler · 18/01/2019 02:31

I want to maintain a healthy relationship and try again.

That ship has sailed. The best you can do now is maintain a healthy co-parenting relationship for your son.

SandyY2K · 18/01/2019 02:46

Just read your other thread. The birth control swap was awful and he lied to his mum about you ending it and stopping him from seeing DS.

He could well have read all the posts about him being abusive/evil and thought you were going to end it...so he got in there first.

It's strange that only 2 years later did he say his actions were abusive. I know he accepted fault in therapy...but the whole abusive thing could well have come from reading here...hmmm

Either way. Your marriage is over. I hope MIL knows the truth.

To anyone on the pill, check you pills haven't been tampered with. I'm gobsmacked that people would do that.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/01/2019 02:49

Your marriage is over. Your husband is out the door and down the hall. He wants things you won't give him. It's done. Just get on with it and move on.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 18/01/2019 03:01

This is why you shouldn't ask random strangers on the internet for advise about important things like your marriage!

StoppinBy · 18/01/2019 03:26

Whether you divorce or not you need to attend couples counselling. Doing that open mindedly together should either allow for a civil divorce that you both feel is the right decision or allow for a reconciliation of the marriage.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/01/2019 03:29

It does sound as though your marriage is over, so why cling on to the shreds of it?
HE wants more children, you don't.
He is allowed to - and if he chooses to find someone else to have them with, then that is his right, even though it's a bit shit.

So let him go.

StoppinBy · 18/01/2019 03:34

I just read some of your comments from your other posts - wow, he switched your birth control for vitamins?!!!

I don't think I could continue a relationship with someone who did something as sneaky as that anyway TBH.

Maybe it would be best if you went for counselling for yourself and work out where your head is at. I think you legally have to be separated fo 12 months before you can apply for divorce anyway?

Maliea · 18/01/2019 04:38

It does seem like it is over.
You said you would never have another child, he couldn't accept that so has chosen to end it.

I'd be concerned about ensuring a fair residency arrangement of your ds as your other thread shows that your dh appears to be the primary carer (sahd for the first 5 months when you were living away from home without your ds with pnd, he also picks your ds up from nursery in the evenings as you work late).

Get some counselling for yourself and some good strategies to help you move forward, as well as a good supportive network of family and friends around you to help your mental health.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 18/01/2019 04:55

It’s over sorry, I hope you find support

erinaceus · 18/01/2019 05:13

Divorce takes ages. My H chose to divorce me; I would have worked harder on the marriage but he chose not to. He and I agreed to separate for two years (one of the grounds for divorce) as neither of the other grounds which take less time ("unreasonable behaviour" or adultery) appealed to us.

So, two years down the line we are still married. This gave me time to adjust mentally to the separation, which took about a year. What I am trying to say is, if I were you, I would try if you can to assume divorce is going to happen, sort of postpone your emotional reaction and handle the practicalities particularly regards the care of your child, and separate.

Will you be able to stop living together sooner rather than later? When my husband moved out of our flat leaving me there that helped with the adjustment.

MarchInHappiness · 18/01/2019 05:23

If you do stay together, he will just resent you and your relationship will be even worse and that will ultimately impact on your son negatively.

MissedTheBoatAgain · 18/01/2019 05:23

I am with KnittedJest all the way.

Only thing I would add is that OP should give priority to what the 3 year child needs as opposed to "Husband wants a divorce but i dont..."

cakecakecheese · 18/01/2019 05:47

Do you actually want to stay married to this man really or is it just the idea of being divorced you don't like? I hated the idea of being divorced it made me feel like I'd failed but staying in my marriage wouldn't have been good for either of us.

I don't think you can save your marriage as he doesn't want to and even if he did, the switching your pills incident is not the behaviour of someone who can have a trusting relationship with.

erinaceus · 18/01/2019 06:07

I hated the idea of being divorced it made me feel like I'd failed but staying in my marriage wouldn't have been good for either of us.

^^ I got to this point eventually, it took me some time though. (Thank you @MissedTheBoatAgain for sharing.)

FrowningFlamingo · 18/01/2019 06:33

You mention your own experience of parental divorce. My parents also divorced and I found the uncertainty of the time preceding it far worse than once they'd properly split. There's a lot of evidence that supports this being the case for most children. Dragging the process out might not be in your son's best interest.

Ninjafox · 18/01/2019 06:37

Sorry not read the other thread BUT my understanding of divorce is that you can go straight into it if someone is to blame i.e adultery, unreasonable behaviour etc.

My friend is in the process of separating, but she and x have agreed to take the long path or else they'll have to start pointing fingers (tbh he deserves to have fingers pointed at him but my friend is too nice). I suspect he'd make up some unreasonable behaviour if she did try and divorce him straight away. I'd be asking questions about what he intends on divorcing you for.

explodingkitten · 18/01/2019 06:47

He wants to divorce so he can find another woman to have children with. You still need him as a parent to your children. If you fight fhis divorce you will be taking his precious years away while he could use the time getting what he wants. It can make him resent you and will make it more difficult to parent the kids together. This would give a much messier divorce than just giving in.

TidyDancer · 18/01/2019 06:51

OP, in what practical way do you see any chance to save this marriage? I understand you love him but you want different things. You are being very unfair if you delay the divorce for selfish reasons. That's not okay.

Ninjafox · 18/01/2019 07:02

OP doesn't need to fight it, BUT knor should he. If it's going to be amicable they need to wait the time. OP shouldn't be bullied into speeding things up for him.

It does feel like from a few of the comments I just read that some people think you are spoiling his chances of going on to have another family. Um no. If he wants to move on, he needs to find a lady who would like to move on with him, who wants to naturally fall pregnant to him. It's not his right to have more children at all. How can it be his right? He has to have an agreeing mother on board and not someone who's been duped into it.

What's to say new women is duped into pregnancy, but doesn't want to and wants to end it. It's not his right that she has to continue because he wants it. Plus it's very old fashioned to think you need a ring in your finger before you can conceive.

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