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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband wants a divorce but I don't

45 replies

morethanaword · 18/01/2019 01:31

Over a month ago, on this thread, www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3445717-AIBU-if-DH-wants-another-child-but-I-dont?pg=1 I posted an AIBU in relation to my DH wanting another child but I did not. OH and I decided to split up after we discussed issues we were having. After a month, we've mutually decided to split up but my OH wants to go straight into a divorce which I cannot accept yet. We have a three year old DS and I'm feeling like I'd struggle as a single parent due to having PND and I've seen how divorce hurts children as my parents divorced and later remarried.

OH and I have had issues which we've tried to resolve but he's very quick to suggest divorce but I want to maintain a healthy relationship and try again.

OP posts:

PlumpSyrianHamster · 18/01/2019 07:14

You need to move on. So does he. There's no chance of trying again or a healthy married relationship. He's recognised that it's flogging a dead horse, you need to recognise it, too and divorce.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 18/01/2019 07:15

Your husband sounds like a prize turd and that’s ignoring the fact he tampered with your meds and utterly failed you when you had PND to the point you had to go to your parents.

The reality is he could easily wait another decade and then go start his new family (which may or may not feature the all important daughter). The fact he has cut and run ignoring the other (allegedly) good bits of the relationship while still only 30 signals he has checked out in general.

Agree on a two year separation for divorce and honestly if you can - get some therapy

He sounds abusive and bluntly from your other posts it reads as though if he hadn’t been such an epically unsupportive plonked first time around you sound like you would have had a second child with him. You made 100% the right choice sticking at one IMO.

Change is always hard and you’ve been with him your whole adult life... But you need to accept your new reality.
I really recommend working on yourself for the time being.in 3 years you are very likely to look back and think thanks god! (Realise this may be unimaginable now)

JagerPlease · 18/01/2019 07:18

If he wants a divorce now he would need to file on grounds of unreasonable behaviour (or adultery but there's no suggestion that applies). He would need to make a statement explaining your behaviour and why he can't reasonably be expecting to continue living with you. If he can't do that, you can't get divorced, even if you were in agreement. We don't have "no fault" divorces until 2 years after separation. But if he does file for divorce, you would need to think really carefully about the emotional and financial impact, particularly on your child, of contesting it

explodingkitten · 18/01/2019 07:23

t does feel like from a few of the comments I just read that some people think you are spoiling his chances of going on to have another family. Um no. If he wants to move on, he needs to find a lady who would like to move on with him, who wants to naturally fall pregnant to him. It's not his right to have more children at all. How can it be his right? He has to have an agreeing mother on board and not someone who's been duped into it.

I don't agree. I think that a lot of women would be hesitant to get pregnant by a man who still is married to someone else. Would you? And he knows he will have to find someone else but delaying the divorce will delay his progress. He has wanted to conceive another child for the past two years, he wants to move on with his life now.

It isn't a right to have a child but neither is it a right to trap someone in a marriage who doesn't want to be in one. They've had this discussion for two whole years and it's not going to be resolved. He didn't make this decision out of the blue. He's done. He's allowed to be done, if this marriage doesn't make him happy enough he is within his rights to leave.

Cath2907 · 18/01/2019 07:33

Divorce doesn’t necessarily take ages. I asked my husband to leave in October and filed for divorce shortly after. My Decree Nisi goes before court today and I expect to get my absolute in March. XH and I are amicable, DD is now fine with it and our new individual lives are starting to get sorted.

Juells · 18/01/2019 08:01

but neither is it a right to trap someone

Isn't that what he did?

BTW your posting name is disgusting, and not funny.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 18/01/2019 08:24

Juells

Explodingkitten(s) is the name of a popular strategic card game, it is one of the most successful croudfunding projects in Kickstarter history. I don't think it is meant to be a literal translation which would of course be extremely distressing.

Erwhatjustcameoutofme · 18/01/2019 08:30

@Juells oh do STFU. It’s not relevant to this thread and it’s based on a card game.

OP I’m sorry your going through this but I think that in staying in an unhappy marriage would be worse for your DS and it’s the way in which the parents handle the a divorce which makes the difference.

By all means don’t rush to sign the papers if your not ready but you two want different things and they are things that can’t be compromised on. You can’t give him what he wants so it’s kinder to let him go... not that he was a catch anyway

YetAnotherSpartacus · 18/01/2019 08:36

Stop thinking emotionally and start thinking strategically. If it is over - and especially if he is forward planning to having more hypothetical children with a woman he hasn't even met yet - then you need to make sure that your bases are covered and that you don't end up financially disadvantaged.

erinaceus · 18/01/2019 08:58

@Cath2907 Divorce doesn’t necessarily take ages. I asked my husband to leave in October and filed for divorce shortly after. My Decree Nisi goes before court today and I expect to get my absolute in March.

Fair point, yes. (I hope yours goes smoothly today and going forwards.)

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 18/01/2019 09:35

A OP: 'you sound a bit deranged to be honest...'

Charming, I'm sure. Is there really any need to bash someone in this unnecessary way when they're hurting and asking for advice?

OP, I'm so sorry but the majority voice is right (even though some posters have put it in such brutal terms): when one party in a marriage decides it's over then unfortunately it's over. It's reaching a point of acceptance that's so difficult in these circumstances. You can divorce based on two years' separation with both parties' consent, or five years' with one-party consent. Otherwise the grounds for filing an immediate petition are either adultery or unreasonable behaviour. To separate and petition for divorce after two years is probably the least painful for all concerned, and will give you time to work on the mechanics of childcare and contact. Things can get bitter when allegations start being thrown around on paper.

Incidentally, it's all very well having incompatible wants and needs but sabotaging your birth control was an unforgivable act that in my view should carry legal ramifications. That's a serious case of unreasonable behaviour if ever I heard of one.

Wishing you all the best for your future. I hope in time you can find a happier life without this man. He doesn't deserve you.

TheSquiffyQuiff · 18/01/2019 11:57

Yeah. He’s a manipulative twat. Be careful he’s not pushing to see if you will agree to another child to save your marriage.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 18/01/2019 18:31

My parents started divorce proceedings, it took a while, my DP moved with the OW at the other end of the country... and then they got back together and 20y later they are still happily married.
You never know how it will end up!

JustTwoMoreSecs · 18/01/2019 18:31

DF not DP!

Original poster

morethanaword · 30/01/2019 22:54

Apologies for not replying for nearly two weeks, it has been hectic.

I don't think my reasons for not wanting a divorce as of yet are absurd, I'm just concerned it hasn't been more than two months since our split and that we still haven't managed to find an agreement that suits us both for our DS as he is our main priority. As much as we no longer get on, I can't stop DS from seeing his father and need to make sure that my ex is responsible for his DS as much as I am.

Contary to the belief, I have no intention of trapping a man who, albeit hurt me, I will not do the same. We are no longer together so yes he can date other women and start a family but I do not want our son to be let behind. I've discussed divorce proceedings with a lawyer as I have now accepted our relationship is over but it may take some time as my ex is still living at home and is trying to find another place to live so he can support our son at weekends etc. Plus I quit my job and have started to run my own business in order to make sure our son can be picked up from nursery etc.

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 30/01/2019 23:22

It's good you've accepted and are trying to move forward OP.

No need to explain you're not being "absurd" etc. Some people just revel in being as harsh and blunt as possible in their replies. Easy from behind a keyboard.

Good luck

katejames42990 · 25/11/2019 01:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BillHadersNewWife · 25/11/2019 01:59

We are no longer together so yes he can date other women

That means that the next step is divorce OP.

we still haven't managed to find an agreement that suits us both for our DS as he is our main priority.

What agreement? Do you mean financial?

itwaseverthus · 25/11/2019 02:13

It's very sad but you both want different things. It's better to call time on it now rather than drag things on. You don't want another baby, he does. You don't want a divorce, he does. I know he ought to bloody well honour his marriage vows to love and support you no matter what but hey, they seem to count for nothing these days. Anyway, some could argue you don;t honour him by giving him another child so what do i know? I am so sorry for you, this is a mess.

PlumsGalore · 25/11/2019 02:54

Zombie tgread

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