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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be jealous of my nanny

29 replies

curiouscat · 27/06/2007 16:31

Kind of embarrassed about this but here goes: I am starting to envy the good times my au pair has with my children. I know it's great that they like her, it lets me go to work etc.

BUT I sometimes wish I could have the free days she gets while kids are at school and I'm at the office. Coming home to find them in pyjamas hugging and cuddling her makes me feel horrible not happy for them all.

I know it's contradictory but surely I'm not the only one who has felt this?

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 27/06/2007 16:33

no au pair/nanny and I don't think DS has such a close relationship with CM but my mum looks after him one day a week and I'm very jealous that she gets to go to music class with him and I don;t.

merryberry · 27/06/2007 17:33

yanbu but

thank your lucky stars
start to build in some extra things that only you do with them, that are you and your kids good times?
thank your lucky stars
give her to me if you jack work in

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 27/06/2007 17:37

Yes you are being unreasonable.

But we are not just reasonable beings, we are also emotional ones, so you're entitled to feel a bit jealous.

Do you work full time? Are there times you can set aside to spend time with them both with her and on your own?

MrsWobble · 27/06/2007 17:49

and remember that the children are yours for ever - her involvement is not

but you have my sympathy - I know the feeling well

Spandex · 27/06/2007 18:28

Oooh no, I can understand totally where you're coming from. I'd feel a huge pang too. It's so hard having to juggle, to decide what goes where, what we should be doing as parents.

But you are their mummy. Don't you get hugs and cuddles too?

Do you work full time?

amidaiwish · 27/06/2007 18:33

no YANBU, just honest.
tbh that is one of the main reasons why i chose a nursery...

cornsilk · 27/06/2007 18:34

I used to be jealous of other mums I saw pushing prams down the street.

goingfor3 · 27/06/2007 18:40

Alot of mothers with nanny's/aupairs feel like that. I used to babysit for a little girl whose mum would be disapointed if her daughter didn't cry for her when she left!

tuppy · 27/06/2007 19:54

Could you arrange things so that you could pay her for a few extra hours once a week after you're home from work, so that she could, for example, sort out some laundry or tidy their rooms while you and the children go for a swim, an early evening meal, or just chill out at home together ? How old are they ?

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 27/06/2007 19:57

I would be counting my blessings...

Kewcumber · 27/06/2007 20:05

I suspect in reality Isabel whilst you may be counting your blessings (as I suspect curiouscat does really), you would feel just the tenniest bit jealous too.

after all day wiht my mum DS turns to her rather than me if he's upset and I do find that hard. Its normal because hes with her all day that day but I still wince a bit.

juuule · 27/06/2007 20:06

yanbu. This was one of the reasons that I became sahm.

blueshoes · 27/06/2007 20:20

That is why I co-sleep

WinkyWinkola · 27/06/2007 20:24

I do know how you feel! Take heart though. After being with me all day, my DS still turns to DH at every opportunity. Perhaps he's sick of the sight of me!

Seriously though, is it making you that unhappy? Are there changes you want to make at work so that you can be with them more?

eleusis · 27/06/2007 20:56

Oh God. I know you didn't mean it this way but if ever there was a thread to make working mums feel guilty, this is it.

I remember when I used to pick DD up from the childminder when about 12 months old. When she saw she waould run the other way because she didn't want to leave. Now that was a lesson in putting my ego and feeling aside to be happy for her. She obviously enjoyed her day and that was great,but it did make me feel bad. I just told myself that her happiness was more important than my bruised ego.

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 27/06/2007 20:59

Yes Kewcumber, but at the end of the day I find it easier to cope with DS feeling loved and comfortable with the person who takes care of him in my absence, than leaving my child crying because he doesn't feel comfortable/happy with the setting.

DS moves from the former to the later, and back again, I find the later more distressing.

Ah, and I don't say she must not be feeling jealous as it is only natural to feel bad about it, but at the end of the day it is good to know your children are in good hands.

BecauseImWorthIt · 27/06/2007 21:01

Don't think you are being unreasonable - it's just a reflection of the fact that you can't have everything.

One of the reasons I chose my first nanny, and why she worked with us for 7 years, was that she was so physically affectionate with my boys. I thought it incredibly important that if I was leaving them all day that they should be with someone who loved them so much.

There was never any doubt though that they knew who mummy was - and they just got twice as much love.

Don't be jealous of her (although make sure you are doing nice things with your dc as well) but be pleased that she is giving them such a lovely time.

And don't be hard on yourself either - we all have difficult choices to make and there are so many ways that we make ourselves feel guilty.

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 27/06/2007 21:06

You can comfort yourself with hte thought that you'd feel much, much worse if she wasn't cuddling them btw. It's really horrible to leave your child with someone you're not sure is treating them with affection.

WaynettaSlob · 27/06/2007 21:13

Am sooooo glad to see these posts - having gone down the nursery route for the past three years, DS1 starting school means we need to do the nanny route.
I have been feeling really about the fact that someone else is going to be loving my boys in MY house - but as long as they are being loved, I am still Mummy, and that's what counts.

Still , but thank you. (sorry for a mini-hijack curiouscat]

MrsScavo · 27/06/2007 21:17

As a mother I understand totally how you must feel. I agreee though. It would be worse if your children were miserable with their carer.

However, I have been on the otherside, when I worked as a nanny cariong for a 3yo and 4 yo.They were super little boys, who's parents worked full time. I became incredibley close to the 2 year old, as I was with hime from 7am to 7pm 5 days a week. He would cry every evening when I left, and when his mother was around at the same time as me, he would prefer to come to me if he was hurt, etc. At the time I could not understand the mothers growing hostility towards me, which eventually turned to bulying, and resulted in me leaving the job. Now as a mother myself, I totally understand why she behaved in the way she did.

Anyway, my point is, not to let your au pair realise quite how you feel, and to be thakfull that your children are so happy.

MrsScavo · 27/06/2007 21:19

When I say "I have been on the other side", I mean the other side of the situation, obviously.

BecauseImWorthIt · 27/06/2007 21:20

I heard a terrible story once of a woman who only employed her nannies for 6 months because she didn't want them getting too close to her children.

FFS - what on earth must her children have felt like, losing someone every 6 months? What did that teach them about love/certainty/consistency?

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo · 27/06/2007 21:22

"When I say "I have been on the other side", I mean the other side of the situation, obviously. "

Thank you, I was wondering if child care was needed in heaven!

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 27/06/2007 21:31

BecauseImworthit - that is so selfish. And so insecure.

MrsScavo, your ex-employer was bonkers. I sacked an au-pair because although she was wonderful with my DD, she was awful with DS. And I kept her longer than I should have, but DD loved her so much that I felt torn. I now wish I'd got rid of her sooner - I'm not really sure he's recovered from it yet, tbh.

Carers who love your children and are loved by them are worth their weight in gold. They have power over your children, not just when they look after them, but in the long term. They matter.

BecauseImWorthIt · 27/06/2007 21:33

Goodness VSS - I thought you were talking about me for a minute! I came over all self-righteous!

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