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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect ex to collect and return DS?

39 replies

cfkch · 21/10/2018 15:11

Me ex pays no child support and is expecting me to collect DS from ‘anywhere in the Uk’ when he has him, or pay for petrol. Advice please? I’m going to enter into mediation but what do I do in the meantime? Stop access- which seems pretty unfair in DS!! Help

OP posts:
Aprilislonggone · 21/10/2018 15:16

You need a court order sorted. Or he wil likely keep hold of him to prove a point imo.

fastfooder · 21/10/2018 15:17

He drops him off wherever he picked him up simple

LaurieFairyCake · 21/10/2018 15:18

I don't think it's unfair. He's not prepared to return your DS to you without being paid for it.

I wouldn't bother with mediation. I'd go through cms for child support and let him go to court for contact, where a judge will decide he has to pick him up and return properly.

(Unless you moved away?)

Incognito8522 · 21/10/2018 15:24

Who is responsible for the distance between you?

If you moved away (whatever the reason) then fair enough that you cover the cost of the travel.

Original poster
cfkch · 21/10/2018 15:24

@lauriefairycake No - haven’t moved away and not planning to. He’s bitter (even though we’ve not been together for over a year) and I think it’s sll down to control. What about the stopping access until the situation is resolved - I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do

OP posts:
PrincessWire · 21/10/2018 15:25

What do you mean by anywhere in the UK? What would happen if you don't pick DS up?

Incognito8522 · 21/10/2018 15:26

Unless you have established and agreed drop off/collection points prior to contact, I think it is reasonable not to allow the contact.

Incognito8522 · 21/10/2018 15:27

Is he the type to spend the weekend driving to scotland and then want you to collect from there just to spite you.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/10/2018 15:27

Not being controlled by an arsehole ex is ALWAYS the right thing to do ;)

The flowers emoji isn't working but here's some for you

Original poster
cfkch · 21/10/2018 15:29

@PrincessWire they were his words
@ incognito8522 well, he’s chosen where to live so I would say he is.

I still can’t understand in what world I would be responsible for paying for it.

OP posts:
GemmeFatale · 21/10/2018 15:29

CMS for financial support. Offer access to the child(ren) in a contact centre. He can take you to court if he wants something else and you can negotiate appropriate travel arrangements at that point.

Muddlingalongalone · 21/10/2018 15:34

From my perspective I always said to exh that if he chose to move away he could do the travelling - not sure a judge would agree with me but he's to lazy to argue it.

However somebody more knowledgeable may be able to advise but at 1 point I was told by a solicitor that he could deduct "reasonable travel costs" from maintenance. He doesn't know this and never has, but if it's still true worth being aware of.

upsideup · 21/10/2018 15:37

I think if you want ds back you should go and get him, if he wants to see ds then he has to come and get him from you.

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 21/10/2018 15:40

The travel costs thing cms is a really tiny amount they can deduct and it would be from his address, not wherever he fancies that week.

I would be vary wary until you get a coirt order because he would be within his rights to randomly not return your child and not tell you where he is and then you have an emergency court situ on your hands.

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 21/10/2018 15:43

And I would usually agree with the you want them you get them as above BUT he cant just randomly drive to random places it would need to be somehwere consistant

Original poster
cfkch · 21/10/2018 15:52

@Muddlingalongalone if he paid any child support I’d be happy to have reasonable travel costs deducted but he doesn’t!
@upsideup I can’t see how that’s fair - he drives, I don’t - it’s always going to cost me more to pick up ad he doesn’t make any contribution at all to DS upbringing (aside from weekend visits)

OP posts:
BabyNumberDeux · 21/10/2018 15:54

Two can play at that game... 🤷‍♀️

Lovemusic33 · 21/10/2018 15:54

If he wants to see DS he can come and collect him, if you want DS back then you will have to go and collect him. No way should you be taking and collecting but you may have to compromise (by picking him up).

Yes he is being unreasonable to expect you to pay travel costs. It’s his son and he should be putting in more effort.

Also if your going to collect him it should be from his house, not some random place he has driven too miles away.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 21/10/2018 15:57

I appreciate that it is harder when you don't drive, but it is fair to do one leg of the journey each, IMO.

But I think you need to agree, in writing, where the child will be picked up from at each end. And it would be fair of him to consider your public transport options when agreeing where you will collect from.

RedHelenB · 21/10/2018 16:06

How old is ds?

DerelictWreck · 21/10/2018 16:08

Why doesn't he pay child support?

LemonSqueezy0 · 21/10/2018 16:15

He's obviously going to make this as difficult as he can for you, so I agree with PPs. Get a court order so you both know where you stand.

Prevention is better than cure.

Feefeetrixabelle · 21/10/2018 16:15

Cms, offer contact with a pick and drop off being the reception area of a police station between the two of your addresses otherwise he can arrange contact via court.

It wouldn’t be fair to your child to teach him that mothers are to be treated like shit.

nicenewdusters · 21/10/2018 16:18

I don't think you have to pick him up. It's his time with his child, which includes picking him up and bringing him home again. It's all part of being a responsible parent.

From what you've said it's just manipulative game playing. Don't even engage with it. Tell him what the best arrangements are for your son, and if he doesn't like it he can go and see his solicitor. He's choosing to not financially maintain him, and using him as a pawn, so I doubt he'll spend any money or time on seeing a solicitor.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 21/10/2018 16:22

Why is he not paying maintenance?